I Was Suicidal.

In honor of Suicide Prevention Month, and for those who are still struggling. Life is hard, but it does get better. You're a fighter and a survivor. 

I was suicidal.

I was suicidal and I woke up every morning to go out and play.

I was broken and I put a smile on my face while trying to fix those around me.

I was overwhelmed and I walked into work to do my job day after day.

I was hurting and I was searching for God because someone told me He was the key.

I was exhausted and I was wide awake at night just trying to breathe.

I was stressed and I fought to keep those around me comfortable and alive.

I was crying and I was alone in my room pretending not to grieve.

I was losing and I was holding onto hope that I would somehow survive.

I was suicidal.

And you didn't even notice.

       by Katelyn Marie, 9/20/23

In 2014, I was 1 in 275,000. Which is the estimated number of suicide survivors each year.

Worldwide, nearly 800,000 people die by suicide each year, averaging one death every 40 seconds. Suicide is currently the 2nd leading cause of death for ages 15-24 years.

I'm angry that we aren't doing more to prevent this. We aren't given the resources we need. I was on a waitlist for 7 months before I was able to see a therapist this year. 7 months. 212 days. And I wanted to be dead more than half of those.

According to the CDC, to prevent suicide, we need to:

• Improve household financial security
• Stabilize housing
• Reduce access to lethal means
• Create healthy organizational policies and culture
• Reduce substance use
• Cover mental health conditions in health insurance policies
• Increase provider availability
• Provide rapid and remote access to help
• Create safer suicide care
• Promote healthy peer norms
• Engage community members in shared activities
• Support social-emotional learning programs
• Teach parenting skills to improve relationships
• Support resilience through education programs
• Respond to crises
• Plan for safety and follow-up after an attempt
• Provide therapeutic approaches

And you are allowed to be angry at the fact that we do not have access to these things, because we should. Mental health support is a basic necessity. But there is hope, and there is help. If I can get through this, you can too. You are not alone.

Call or text 988

Chat at 988lifeline.org

An Apology Letter

"The cry we hear from deep in our hearts
comes from the wounded child within.
Healing this inner child's pain is the key to
transforming anger, sadness and fear."
-Thich Nhat Hanh

It has been so hard to write lately because I don't feel like myself. I lost myself again, and I haven't quite found her yet. I can't find the little girl inside me that was so full of hope and promise. But all I can do is apologize to her. Tell her I'm sorry for not nurturing her the way I should have, because she deserved so much more. She still deserves so much more, so this post is for her. This is for the little girl with curly hair and big brown eyes, because that little girl knew her worth. And someday, she's going to recognize that worth again.

It's time to rehash old wounds. 

I wouldn't say I had a rough childhood, but I've spent my whole life focusing on the trauma surrounding my parent's divorce. It's been 20 years, and everything about it still hurts. At 7 years old I felt abandoned, and I don't think I've ever recovered from that. That little 7 year old girl started to believe she wasn't worth loving and people were going to leave her. And that single belief has turned into an endless cycle. I've turned into someone who pushes everyone away. I don't let people get close to me because in my heart I truly believe that they're going to leave anyway. But they have, and they do.

So to my 7 year old self, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you took the blame for something that was out of your control. You are so worthy of love, and I promise somebody is going to stay someday.

My mama got remarried when I was 8, before I could even comprehend the full extent of the divorce. My life was uprooted and I was thrown into an unknown family. I spent my days in an unfamiliar house and I couldn't crawl into bed at night with my mom anymore. In my little mind, I no longer felt like a priority. I experienced betrayal trauma, which resulted in throwing tantrums to get attention. It was the only way I knew how to express the emotions. And this continued for years.

So to my 8 year old self, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you didn't feel like you could safely communicate your thoughts and feelings. You deserve to be seen and heard, and I promise your voice will be heard someday.

My daddy married my best friend's mom right before I turned 9. How cool to have a friend living in the same house as me, right? But I was only there four days out of the month, so my room didn't get to be my room anymore. I was moved into the smaller one, and it's so strange the way children are affected by change. There was so much of it in such a short amount of time that I just didn't feel safe. I lost my security because four new people lived in my house, and it didn't feel like my house anymore.

So to my 9 year old self, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you felt like your sense of security was ripped away from you. You have since become the safe place you always needed, and I promise you will have your very own home someday.

Fast forward 10 years.

I graduated from high school, but never had any idea what I wanted to do with my life. Little, naive 19 year old me was trying to figure out how the real world worked. I downloaded all the dating apps because I didn't know how else to meet people at that age. And I trusted everybody. I saw the best in people the same way I always had. So one day I drove down to Logan, Utah to meet a returned missionary boy from Utah State. He always said the sweetest things, and he really had his head on straight. But in the late hours of the night, I was trapped under his body begging him to get off. I haven't trusted anybody since.

I attempted suicide 2 weeks later.

So to my 19 year old self, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you were put in a position to see the darkness in this world, and I'm sorry you believed that killing yourself was your only escape. You are worthy of so much good, and I promise that you'll be able to trust again someday.

A couple years later, I settled for the first man who saw me for me and not my past. I hated myself so much that I thought someone else's love could save me. But I was back in the middle of another trauma cycle. At 21, I realized I deserved better. I wanted more than just something surface level and mediocre. So I packed my things and I left. My divorce was final two months later. There was never a single regret, even to this day; however, the divorce left me feeling unlovable. If my own husband couldn't love me the way I needed, how could anybody else? That feeling hasn't changed.

So to my 21 year old self, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you ever thought you needed to settle for half-ass love. You are more than enough, and you deserve to be loved. I promise you'll find a love that sets your soul on fire.

...

To everyone I've hurt because I blamed my trauma, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that I projected my pain onto you. You deserve better than that, and I promise I'll do better.

...

Dear me,

You're 27 years old. It's okay to let go of the past, you're safe now. I'm sorry I ever made you feel unworthy and unloved. I'm sorry I let you hold so tight to your trauma that you forgot who you were without it. You were never made to feel small and insignificant. You were made to move mountains. Nobody, including yourself, can make you feel inferior without your permission. Stop giving away your power. You know what you deserve, so chase after it. Believe in yourself a little harder. Life is going to work out the way it's supposed to and I know you know that. You're brave and strong, and you've been through so much. And you will continue to get through it because you're a fighter. You are loved beyond measure, even if it's not always by the people you hoped it would be. If they don't see your worth, that's their problem. They'll come around.. but if they don't, say goodbye. You were born worthy of every good thing in this world. That worth never goes away.

I love you, and I forgive you.

Love, me.

A Misunderstood Life

 "You may think you know what autism 'looks like'.
In fact, though, when you've met one person with autism
you've met ONE person with autism. Some autistic people are
chatty; others are silent. Many have sensory issues, gastrointestinal
problems, sleep difficulties and other medical problems. Others may
have social communication delays - and that's it."

What is Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)? It is defined as "a serious developmental disorder that impairs the ability to communicate and interact". But honestly, autism is so much more than that and it's not as simple to understand as you might think. Autism Spectrum Disorder is identified in about 1 in every 54 children. It is also 5 times more likely to be found in boys than in girls. Before autism was an official diagnosis, it was associated with schizophrenia, and it did not get it's own term until 1943. Some people believe ASD is caused by vaccines, while others believe it's because of certain medications taken while pregnant. But what science has learned over the years is that ASD comes from genetics, or a genetic mutation. In other words, autism is a syndrome/disorder - not a disease. Therefore, there are certain traits/characteristics involved, not symptoms. There is no medication. Autistic people are not sick, and I think that is a common misunderstanding.

7 Common Traits of Autism Spectrum Disorder:

1. Difficulty w/ social interaction*
2. Unusual interest in objects*
3. Difficulty w/ changes in routine*
4. Excel in one area, while struggling in another
5. Unusually strong reactions to one or more senses (sensory overload)*
6. Will do (or talk about) the same thing over & over again
7. Intense and prolonged emotional reactions*

I have 5 out of 7*. When I was younger, autism wasn't nearly as common as it is now. Not very many people were familiar with it, and it's one disorder that commonly gets misdiagnosed. I was often referred to as a "spoiled brat" because I would throw tantrums, as in, throw myself on the floor kicking, screaming and crying. I also had the worst social anxiety, and refused to look people in the eyes when they were talking to me. The older I got, the more I learned how to "mask" these characteristics. "Masking is a survival strategy. It generally involves intentionally learning neurotypical behaviors and mimicking them in social situations." This is very common among autistic girls/women, which makes for a harder diagnosis.

I've independently studied autism since middle school. I've worked in schools and group homes with autistic children and adults. I also have autistic cousins. I recently did a poll on instagram asking if self-diagnosis (of anything) is valid. 40% of voters said no, which honestly kind of shocked me. I know, I know some people do it for attention, but not everyone. We are the ones who live with ourselves every day. We know exactly how we are feeling at all times and what is going on in our own bodies. Hard fact.. doctors don't know everything; however, they do know a lot. But sometimes what we're feeling can't be explained, so how can a doctor make a diagnosis based on that information? Tests can be wrong too, unfortunately.

From what I know now, those 'tantrums' that I was having as a child were meltdowns from being overwhelmed. They still happen, which once resulted in a misdiagnosis of bipolar disorder. The real diagnosis is Sensory Processing Disorder. I've had it my whole life, but was not aware/familiar with the term until about 4 years ago. I have since learned how to notice the warning signs of an upcoming meltdown and when to remove myself from overwhelming situations. As an adult, I've become very much an extrovert and crave social situations; although, I still struggle with social cues. I don't make eye contact because it makes me very uncomfortable and I typically speak in a monotone voice, without much expression. I'm not a being a brat - this is my normal, and it's okay. 

The older I get and the more understanding I have, the less I mask my characteristics because I want to bring awareness to them. And the less I mask, the more characteristics I notice. Unusual interest? Yes. I get fixated on specific items or hobbies. Sometimes it'll last a few months, and other times it will be a couple years. Such as my wonderful and childish obsession with all things Beauty and the Beast. That didn't come from childhood. Difficulty with change? I suppose it has always been a struggle, but I didn't acknowledge it until a few years ago when I had a meltdown in the middle of DisneyWorld. Intense emotional reactions? I feel all the feels.. and I feel them hard. Someone can say no to me over the smallest thing, and it can cause me to cry (sob, even) for hours. Example: my brother not letting me eat some chicken nuggets that were in the freezer, because they were bought for him. This has become a joke in my family and it's pretty funny to me now. But in the moment, I was starving and I was very upset.

Trigger warning

So do I think self-diagnosis is valid? Yes, because growing up with 5 out of 7 autism characteristics, explains a lot. It has come to my attention that using the words high or low functioning though, is wrong. It can be hurtful. And even the people that you think are "high functioning"? They are until they're not. Autistic people have highs and lows, and it has nothing to do with their strengths and/or struggles. World Autism Awareness/Acceptance Day is coming up on April 2nd. With this in mind, here are some facts to be aware of: Autism Speaks is not a safe organization to donate to and support. Only 4% of their proceeds are used to support autistic people and their families. In 2009, they released a video comparing autism to aids and cancer, while indicating that autistic children are to blame for breaking up their parent's marriages. This organization also excludes autistic people from their leadership roles. Instead, please support: Autistic Inclusive Meets, Autistics For Autistics and/or Autistic Self Advocacy Network. Thank you.

If you have any question, please feel free to reach out and ask.

Love, 

Miss KatieBug

www.appliedbehavioranalysisprograms.com

www.aboutkidshealth.ca

www.healthline.com

Trauma, Part 2

"Owning our story and loving ourselves

through that process is the bravest

thing that we'll ever do."

-Brene Brown

trigger warning: rape

Okay, okay.. It has been sooo long since I've written a post. Many of you have reached out and held me accountable for it. Thank you. I promise I've been trying to write and I have like 7 drafts in my folder. I've felt kind of stuck. I want to say so many things, but I haven't been able to process and articulate the words correctly. All of my drafts (this is not one of them) will be posts at some point. As for what I'm about to talk about, I never wanted to. I hold a lot of shame and guilt for it. But like I've always said.. writing heals, and this post will get to the people who need it.

For a long time, I didn't believe that the rape affected me. And maybe for a long time it didn't. My brain took way longer to process it than most people. The trauma was never immediate for me. It took about 3-4 years to surface. I openly talked about my trauma process in my April 2019 post, and I'm still going through that. So with my fears aside, please let me tell you the most vulnerable pieces of my story that I don't quite understand.

It came up in casual conversation tonight, "so why do you just have sex with so many people?" And my heartbreaking response was, "because I'm too afraid to say no". Oof. I do not like saying that out loud. I don't want to admit that because it means I'm giving up my power. I'm so easily giving my power away to people who see me as an object. People who simply don't care, and don't even know that they're taking something away from me. But I could never put that blame on them. It's mine, and I acknowledge it.

I never wanted this kind of life for me. I never wanted to give a sacred piece of myself to so many people, so why have I done that? When we think of trauma we think of panic attacks. We think of sexual assault survivors who live in fear and anxiety. We think of war heroes who struggle with post-traumatic stress disorder. We think of lives lost to suicide because their thoughts overwhelmed them. We don't think about the guilt, the coping mechanisms, and the need for control. We don't think about the underlying issues.

In my traumatic experience six years ago, I didn't have any control over the situation. I felt helpless. Unlike the normal fight or flight, my emergency response is to freeze, so I did. And I do. But the key word here is "control". Unfortunately, some sexual assault survivors (including myself), use sex as a way to regain control of our bodies. "If I give it away, then they can't take it." It's an unhealthy thought process. But in victims minds we think that even if we say no, they'll do what they want anyway. I've said no, and men have been angry. I've said no, and men have begged. I've said no.. and I've been raped. So it's easier, and less scary, to just let it happen.

Maybe now that I understand this part of my trauma, I can change the cycle. Nobody has the right to take away my power. It's mine. I own it. 

To all women, and men, remember that you have the power inside of you. You can say no, and you don't ever have to give an explanation. You don't owe anybody anything. Your body is your own, and you deserve to fight for that. You are worth so much more than you will ever know. Even through trauma, you've survived up to this point. It's okay to acknowledge the pain that got you here. Give yourself some credit, and actually -- you do owe somebody something.. yourself. You owe yourself love. You owe yourself forgiveness. You owe yourself compassion. 

"What we don't need in the midst of struggle

is shame for being human." -Brene Brown

You never know the underlying issues in someone else's story. I beg of you to look at people with every ounce of love and compassion. Not shame, not judgment. Just love. We're all human, and we are just trying to survive. You deserve the love that you are so freely giving to everyone else. You are made of stardust and magic, and you deserve to be seen as such. If you need anything, please reach out. To a therapist, to a trusted family member, to me. I will always listen, but if you're not ready to share your story yet, that's okay too. I see you. I love you. I believe in you. You are strong, and you will get through this.

Love,

Miss KatieBug <3

Crisis Phone Line: 1-800-273-8255

Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741

Un-Apologetically Me

"You are not defined by someone's partial view

of your life, your strengths, or your history.
Their inability to see or appreciate the complete
version of you only limits them, not you.
Stand strong in your truth and purpose
and continue being your bad-ass, unapologetic self."
-Steve Maraboli

December 8th, 1994 - Chandler Regional Medical Center.

Katelyn Marie. 8 pounds, 3 ounces.

We're born into this world and given a name. That's it. That's what we're supposed to be known by for the rest of our life. One name. We're perfect--untouched by the world around us. Then we start getting older.. and the labels arise. Our names are used less and less by people.

You're 6 years old and you are annoying.
You're 12 years old and you just got called fat. Maybe a loser?
You're 18 years old and now you are being sexualized and looked at differently.

And what about the stigmas surrounding mental health? Shame. Embarrassment.

Does anyone really know you? Do you even know who you are anymore?

Maybe you're a wife, mother, father, son, teacher, engineer, leader, follower, etc.
Maybe you think you're afraid, lost, broken, unworthy..

-
-
-

Who am I?
I'm Katelyn. At 12 years old, I was diagnosed with a chemical imbalance (depression) in my brain. At 22 years old, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety & panic. And now, at 24, I recently found out that I have sensory processing disorder (*SPD). I've been in therapy on and off since I was seven, and society teaches me to be embarrassed about it. I'm taught to stay quiet, because I'm the "crazy" girl when people realize I see a therapist and a psychiatrist. I'm overly sensitive. When I'm dressed up and going out, I'm 'sexy' or 'hot'. I'll get on your nerves, and sometimes I'm a brat. I lash out and throw tantrums that I still haven't figured out how to control. I heard someone refer to me by saying, "Oh her? You don't want to deal with her. She has depression and stuff, so she's a mess". These damn labels..
*SPD is a condition in which the brain has trouble receiving and responding to information that comes in through the senses.

We grow up hearing these horrible things about ourselves, and somewhere along the way, we start to internalize them. We believe them. We use what someone else said to define who we are. And then we say things like, "Look at this girl on Instagram, she's so _______". We've all done it. It's never positive. I wonder what her story is though. Everyone has a story.
     --Maybe that girl who you think is fat has poly-cystic ovary syndrome. She's struggling and she is already self conscious. There is more to her.
     --Maybe that father who you think is a "dead beat" never had a fighting chance. He's hurting and he wants those kids. There is more to him.

Maybe there is more under the surface that you'll never know or be able to see about someone. Just like there is so much more to you. You are so much more than your mental illness. You are so much more than the labels and the stigmas. You are so much more than every trial you have to fight through in this life. You are so much more than what people say about you. Believe that. If you ignore the labels, they won't stick. The labels are not yours to carry.

So who am I really?
I'm Katelyn. I am an advocate, a writer, a daughter.. but you know that. At 12 years old, I took piano lessons and although I'm not musically inclined, I found a love for music. At 22 years old, I truly learned how to love and accept myself on my own. And now, at 24, I'm back in my parent's house and learning to let go of people/things that don't help me grow. I go to therapy every week, and I'm a better person because of it. I am a fighter for what I believe in. I don't want to be called hot.. I just want to be pretty. Because I am. I am a lover of Jesus and know that I'm saved through him. I was blessed with a heart big enough to love every person in this world. I forgive easily. I like to dance alone in my apartment. I sing in front of anyone, without a care. I'm fascinated with the stars, and I love to play in the dirt. I still believe in magic and fairy tales. I am thankful every day for what life has put me through. I am strong, brave and powerful. I'm just me. The good, the bad.. it's all there! And I won't apologize for it.

Let the one who created you be the one who defines you. Don't let the labels stick. So who were you before the world told you who you should be?

Love, Miss KatieBug <3

Trauma.

"There are wounds that never show on the body
that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds."

*Trigger warning: rape

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. My story is not a secret. It is out here for the world to read, because I don't want anyone to feel alone the way I did for so long. But.. there is always suffering beyond the story. The story is the easy part. The trauma is the part that nobody ever talks about.

Trauma: "Emotional shock following a stressful event, which may be associated with 
physical shock and sometimes leads to long-term neurosis."

Denial. For a long time, I would not let myself believe that it was anything other than sex. I didn't want to believe that something so awful really happened to me, so I made up stories in my head. I took the blame. I tried everything I could to suppress the memory.

Fear. This one was rough. I wanted to be afraid of men, but I wasn't. In my mind, I needed them to help me feel better about the situation. But I was afraid of judgment. I was afraid of being labeled a slut. I was too afraid to ever say no to someone again..

Anger. How could he? He chose a girl so innocent and loving. He took something from me that I could never get back, and I hated him for it. I hated him for having power over me. I hated him for believing he didn't do anything wrong. I hated him, because I said no and he still did what he wanted.

Shame. I was humiliated. I could not claim to be a virgin anymore. I didn't save myself for marriage, like I always thought I would. He clearly had no respect for me; and in turn, I had no respect for myself. I had nothing left to give, and I did not want to be alive anymore. 

Guilt. Maybe this really was my fault. I always trusted people too easily.  Maybe I gave him the wrong look or sent off certain vibes. Maybe I didn't say no loud enough. Maybe he thought my cry was a good sign? I may have said no, but I didn't fight back. 

Moral Injury. So now I've had sex.. and I've tried to kill myself. Do I go to church and confess my sins? Did I lose my place in heaven? A returned missionary did this to me. I couldn't bear to go back to church. In my mind, I was broken. Past the point of no return. He damaged my spirit and my faith.

These are the six main emotional responses to trauma & these were my own thoughts in the midst of each one. They are a constant cycle. Today, even 5 years later, I still have several of these thoughts. "What could I have done differently?" is my most common. I know the truth, but trauma is tricky. I was raped, and it was not my fault. I never sinned. The God I know will still welcome me into heaven with open arms. We can talk ourselves through the thoughts, but what about everything else? What about the self sabotage and panic attacks?

So, here's to being vulnerable:

Because of him, I try to control others so they can't control me. I do not know how to properly handle being told to do something. Because of him, I do not know how to trust anyone, even after they prove to me that I can. I'm afraid to be left alone with people. Because of him, I purposely ruin good things/relationships to save myself any future pain. I leave people before they can leave me. Because of him, I am afraid to say no when I am in an uncomfortable situation. I just let unwanted things happen. Because of him, the panic attacks happen just from a kiss. And that is trauma.

I am working through this. I am in sexual assault counseling & support groups. It's okay to reach out and ask for help. It's okay to talk about it. It's okay to be vulnerable. It is not okay for someone to hold so much power over you that you lose yourself. And if you don't take anything else from this post, know this: I AM NOT WHAT HAPPENED TO ME. And neither are you. You are not the assault, abuse, pain, hurt, neglect, loss, or trauma. You are love. You are magic. You are worthy. YOU are whoever you want to be.

And absolutely none of what happened to you is your fault.

Love,

Miss KatieBug <3

Like a Storm

"Depression is like a storm. It starts slow,
Eating away at you slowly, then it becomes stronger,
And causes more damage. Then it stops,
And you think you're fine, that it's getting better.
Like it's safe to go outside now, and enjoy the finer things in life
Kind of like the eye of the storm. Then out of nowhere,
It hits you again, knocking you down,
Harder than before, until you're no more.
It swallows you, clogs your vision.
So then you can't see how close to ending it is.
And some don't make it, thinking that the only way
To stop the storm, is to stop themselves."

-Unknown

*trigger warning: suicidal thoughts

Journal Entry: August 14, 2018
I failed myself. I failed {all of you}, and I'm sorry. At least, that's how I feel right now. I thought I was better. I thought my depression was gone forever. But it's back, and it's worse. And I'm scared. I hate being alive most days again, but not exactly in a suicidal type of way. I don't want to hurt myself, but maybe a coma or something would suffice. I'm not opposed to getting hit by a car or something though. That's how I know I'm not safe.

I have been trying to write this blog post since that day back in August. I can only seem to get out a little at a time, because this hurts. This struggle is painful and I'm afraid of judgment. But today (Nov. 4), I will finish, so here it goes:

I've always been told that depression comes in waves, but I had never experienced it that way. Mine was terrible for years and years. I learned how to cope with the daily struggles and just accepted that I would live like that forever. Sleep my days away. Then one day, about a  year and a half ago, my depression disappeared. It was completely gone and life felt perfect. I was genuinely happy for the first time in my life, and that feeling lasted through the seasons. Not even winter depression showed up. I thought I was "cured". But sadly, the storm found it's way back to me.

The very first sign of my depression coming back (which started about mid-July) was anger. I'm not typically an angry person, but I was livid all the time at everybody. I was so confused and I honestly could not understand what was wrong with me. I was hurting myself and I was hurting those around me. I lost all of my patience. Every situation became too stressful and I couldn't cope. Because of this severe anger, I had to quit one of my jobs in fear that I would lash out and cause physical harm to somebody. I'm afraid of myself.

At the beginning of August, I went to my doctor and requested to be put back on antidepressants. If you've kept up with my blog, you know that I was medication free for over a year. It was hard to accept the medication again, and I was humiliated. I cried, a lot. But I need them for now. I've been taking them for 90 days, and they haven't helped entirely. I know I may be going through the trial and error process for a while. This post is different from my others, it's not about hope-it's about awareness. This disease is real and it is painful.

I also fought up the courage to start counseling, which I've been doing every week for about 2 months. I just recently started opening up to my counselor and we've had a couple of breakthroughs so far. I have come to realize certain things about my past and how they've affected me today, but I haven't gotten to a point where I know how to fix things. I am a work in progress right now, but I'm doing everything I can to seek help. And for those who are struggling with any type of mental illness, I highly suggest finding a trusted counselor to talk to. Talk things out weekly. Write things down daily.

The good days are alright. The bad days are extremely hard, and seem to happen too often. I cry and I beg the pain to end.
"Why do I have to live like this?"
"I don't want to be here anymore."
"I don't deserve to be happy."

I think about these three things at least once a week, sometimes more. But I do deserve to be happy, and I want to be alive. These thoughts creep their way in and my mind can't seem to let them go on the bad days. Why do I have to live like this? I don't know. Why does anyone have to live like this? It doesn't seem fair. We are at war with our minds daily.. but maybe, just maybe.. God needs warriors like us for something bigger. I'm trying to believe in myself. I'm trying to understand what I need to learn from this experience. I am here for a reason, and so are you. I am here to fight, so fight along with me. We can beat this. We can win. WE ARE WARRIORS.

Love, Miss KatieBug <3

Learning to Love

"The most exciting, challenging, and significant
relationship of all is the one you have with yourself.
And if you can find someone to love the you
that you love, well, that's just fabulous."
-Carrie Bradshaw

I tried really hard to have this post out for Valentine's Day, but I'm going to be honest with you.. I know I make it seem like my life is always good these days. Let me tell you something though, I still struggle. The whole month of February was a struggle. I didn't want to go out. I didn't want to work or see people. I just wanted to relax and sleep. I don't even remember the last time I had a depressive episode like that. I beat myself up sometimes because I feel like a failure. A failure for all of the times I've loved and lost. For all of the times people have left and I've blamed myself. The month of February is for love, but how can I write about that when I don't know if I've ever really known love? 

Here's the thing, I may not know how it feels to be truly loved by someone else or to know how it feels to truly love another, but I do a damn good job at loving myself most days. So let me try writing this again.

In honor of Valentine's Day being, well, a month ago - let's talk about love. I don't mean the sappy, Nicholas Sparks movie kind of love (which is my favorite btw). I mean, the most important kind of love, self love. Most of us are so worried about finding love that we forget to show love to ourselves. Even when we're in relationships, we believe that only our partner's love is enough, but it isn't. We have to love us too! This topic is such an important one to me. Maybe because I remember a time when I didn't know how to love myself, and I never thought that I'd be able to. I used to believe that I'd find the love of my life someday and I would have everything I ever wanted and finally be happy. I didn't understand that it was possible for me to be happy on my own. And because of those toxic thoughts, I felt like I was dying a little inside every time I went through a break up. 

For the past year or so, I've really put my focus on loving myself. I've learned how to let go of people who aren't right for me. I've learned how to turn to God when things get hard, instead of wallowing in self pity. I've learned how to give myself a break when needed and teach myself healthy coping techniques. I've learned how to be in tune with my mind and body. I know what I need and when I need it. So I'm sitting here tonight and I can honestly tell you that I love everything about myself. Some days I may not like myself, but I always love me. I want you to love yourself too, even on the days that you don't like yourself very much. Here are a few steps that I took to improve myself, which in turn, taught me a lot about how to love myself. I hope you will try them, and I hope they will make a difference. 

• Positive Affirmations. Write them down, and say them out loud. You may not believe them at first, but you will start to the more you repeat them. Add details. Make your words mean something, and trust them.

"I am a radiant, confident, and inspirational Daughter of God-

that serves with joy, listens intently, and wholeheartedly loves

others and myself because I am worth it." 

• Remove, Block, Delete. Please do this! It's totally okay and super healthy to remove toxic people from your life, and/or delete them on social media. If they are filled with negative words, posts, and thoughts - bye bye!
• Ground Yourself. Do this daily. It helps you stay in a more calm and positive state of mind throughout the day. This one is hard to explain, so you might need to go look it up..
• Believe in Something. Believing in something makes it easier to believe in yourself. Find your thing. Whatever gives you a little extra strength. I, personally, pray to God for peace because He believes in me the same way I believe in Him.
• Find Hope. It's hard to live this life if you aren't hopeful. To me, hope is in every sunrise that starts a brand new day, and in every sunset that ends my tough days.
• Give Yourself a Break. If you can't handle life at the moment, take a day off of work/school. Remove yourself from a rough situation. Practice self care.
• Self Care. So important! *My personal favs and go-to's
• Read a self-help book.
• Free write in a journal*
• Do some yoga.
• Talk to a friend or a therapist.
• Buy flowers for yourself.
• Take yourself on a date*
• Bake cookies.
• Take a bubble bath*
• Plan a vacation.
• Shut off your phone.
• Solo dance party!*
• Watch your favorite movie.
• Declutter.
• Stargaze*
• Go get a massage.
• Dress up and go out*
• Practice deep breathing.
• Give yourself a pep talk in the mirror.
• Forgive. Forgive everyone who has wronged you, even if they aren't sorry. Forgive those who have hurt your family and your friends. Forgive yourself for the hell you've put others through, even if you meant whatever you did at the time. Forgive yourself for the hell you've put your own mind and body through. Just forgive.
• Choose Yourself. Just like one of my previous posts. Sometimes it's perfectly fine and needed to put yourself before others. Be selfish, when your mind and body call for it. Choose yourself. Love yourself. 

Loving yourself won't happen overnight. It may take months or years. It may take the help of others so you can see your own worth. It may take a lot of things. But when you learn to love yourself, everything else just kind of falls into place the way it's supposed to. Life becomes a little bit brighter and easier. I hope you find that love in every single part of you.

Love, Miss KatieBug <3

A Harsh Reality

Journal Entry: January 13, 2018

"I'm sick and tired of guys telling me that I deserve better than them, but they're never willing to treat me better. Why aren't I worth the effort? They say I'm such a good person, but they are never good to me. They leave me feeling like I'm not good enough. But I know I'm good enough and it's not fair for them to make me think otherwise. I deserve so much better than half-ass 'relationships' that never turn into anything. Women should not feel like less of a person because of the way guys treat us, but it's something we seem to deal with everyday"

-Katelyn Marie, age 23

*Trigger warning: rape
     If any of you women, and even men, haven't yet watched Halsey's speech from the Women's March, I highly suggest watching it. She explains the truths behind what all women go through. Rape, harassment, unplanned pregnancy, miscarriage. We need men to know. We need to raise awareness, and stop the inappropriate behavior. We need more women to speak up and prove that we are not treated right. Men assume that they are superior and that women will do whatever they ask of us.. this has to stop. They do NOT and should not have power over us. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKddxONWn78

     Because of Halsey, I have decided to put more of my story on here. Some parts are painful. Some parts have been left unspoken until this moment. Part of me is scared to write this, but I've always believed in putting my story out in the world. Telling our stories help others heal, learn, and understand. I am raising awareness.
      I never went on dates in high school. My first kiss was right before I turned 18 years old. My best friend was raped in junior high. My sisters had been heartbroken before. I didn't want to be a part of that, so I steered clear. And honestly, I wouldn't have been able to cope with heart break at that age. My depression was already too much for me to handle. So as a young girl, I was never personally around any kind of sexual harassment. It wasn't as common to read about it back then either. I'm not sure I really believed it existed. I lived in my own little world and I didn't want to know what bad things were happening around me.
     After I graduated, I started to notice the change. Maybe it had to do with being out in the real world.. I'm not sure. All of the sudden, guys were asking for dirty pictures, and would send them without warning. I was 19 the first time a guy, who wasn't my boyfriend, smacked my butt. I was 19 the first time I got "felt up" without giving permission. I was 19 when I remember starting to get cat called. I was 19 when I got raped. Rape: 'unlawful sexual activity and usually sexual intercourse carried out forcibly or under threat of injury against the will of another person'. Rape.. I hate that word. 1 in 6 women are the victim of an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime. How gut wrenching and disgusting is that statistic. Most women stay silent. Most women have both physical and emotional scars that nobody notices. I will not be silent. I have emotional scars that I can't always hide. Because of him, I have break downs and flash backs when I'm in relationships now. Sometimes, I still hurt.
     A week after my rape, I was home alone and I let a guy come over to watch movies. I didn't know him very well, but my friend and I had hung out with him before. We started kissing and he took my pants off. I was still trying to cope with what happened the week prior. I was too afraid to say no a second time, so I didn't. I just laid there. I let him do what he wanted and then he went home. Before he left, he asked me if I was on birth control then got angry at my answer. I wasn't using any kind of protection, because I wasn't sexually active. I had just been raped.. again. Twice in one week. But I wouldn't let myself believe it. I told myself it was all my fault because I didn't try fighting them. I just laid there. I had never even been touched before they came along. I didn't want to be.
     Both unprotected. I took about 6 pregnancy tests within those next couple weeks. Everything in me was telling me that I was pregnant. I was sick. I was tired. I was terrified. I planned out exactly how I would save up my money for the next 9 months. Each test came back negative, but I never believed them. Then my period didn't come, and when it did, it could have easily been a miscarriage. Or maybe it was just different because of the trauma. I'll never know.
     A year and a half after that incident happened, I found myself married to a man who I thought could protect me. I thought I was safe with him. He never physically hurt me, but he put my feelings aside and mentally abused me until I couldn't take anymore. He didn't want love.. He wanted a woman to take care of his every need. I was working 60+ hour work weeks to pay the bills. He expected me to cook dinner at 10pm every night when I got home. I had to do all of his laundry. I had to make the bed and clean the apartment. I had to do the grocery shopping. I had to do everything a wife is "supposed" to do, and I just didn't have the time. So, to him, I was never good enough. I was never enough to make him happy.
     I went on vacation without him that winter. I noticed that I was the happiest I had been that whole year. I also noticed how, when people asked about my marriage, I had more negative than positive things to say. It broke my heart. I failed, because I knew divorce was my only option at that point. But I knew I deserved better. I got home on New Years Eve and I was ready to discuss my plan with him. He said to me, "because you think you're leaving me, and because it's a holiday, you owe me". He was talking about sex, of course. I didn't feel like I had a choice. So I did what he asked of me. Why? Because I was his wife, and I really believed that I owed it to him. I moved out three weeks later. After that, he would text me and blame his drinking and inappropriate behavior on me.
     Are good men really so hard to find these days? I have dated 4 guys since my divorce. I don't mean like one single date. I mean, they were guys I was seeing almost every day for months. Guys I was falling for and giving my heart to. Each of them proved that they liked me and each of them put in a lot of effort, but none of them wanted to be in a real relationship. Men know how to get what they want. They all made me feel special, and they all made me believe there would be a future with them. I have proved time and time again that I will do everything I can to make people happy. I give so much of my time and effort because I believe that people deserve it. But men know exactly how to use and abuse. Some men think they can walk all over women. They treat us like we're dirt. And do you know what? We let them. We let them hurt us and leave us heartbroken.
     We don't have to let them. I hope we, as women, understand what we really deserve. We deserve respect and love. We deserve so much more than half-ass relationships and such little effort. We are powerful and we are full of beauty and love. We should be able to say no, without fear. We should be confident and be able to walk away from the kind of men who just want us to fill the spaces in their lonely lives. We need to put a stop to the way we're being treated. Nobody else can stop it for us. We need to be bold, brave, and strong. We need to show ourselves respect. We are women. Let us prove that we are unstoppable.

Love, Miss KatieBug <3

Another Year Wiser?

"I love getting older. My understanding deepens.

I can see what connects. I can weave stories of 

experience and apply them. I can integrate the lessons.

Things simply become more and more fascinating.

Beauty reveals itself in thousands of forms."

-Victoria Erickson

I just turned another year older, but does that make me wiser as well? I'm 23 now and I'm not where I thought I would be, but I know I'm where I'm supposed to be. I also think that I am more myself than I've ever been. I decided to write down the things I've learned this year, so here it goes. 22 things I learned in my 22nd year of life:

1. Makeup doesn't measure your worth or beauty. Learn to be comfortable in your own skin - you shouldn't have to use makeup as a security.

2. Everyone has a story and a past. Everyone acts the way they do for a reason. The best thing we can do is love people, for everything they are and everything they aren't.

3. Don't ever accept anything less than what you deserve. (I'm still trying to learn this one)

4. Singing does wonders for the soul. So sing your heart out. Sing in the shower. Sing in the car. Sing karaoke every chance you get.. even if you're terrible. Just sing.

5. You have to test your limits and take a step outside of your comfort zone once a week. How else will you know how brave you can be?

6. The best thing you can do for someone is lend a helping hand and/or a listening ear.

7. It's nearly impossible to be sad while eating ice cream. So eat ice cream every chance you get. Seriously. If you get fat, at least you'll be fat and happy, right?

8. It's okay to do something for yourself that nobody else understands.

9. We need to spend time with little kids. Children teach us much more about love and compassion than we'll ever be able to teach them.

10. Crying is okay, especially in front of someone else. It may be healing for both of you. 

11. Take the time to go on long night drives. They'll give you the best alone time that you never knew you needed.

12. You can still choose to be happy & positive even when everyone around you is crabby & negative. Sometimes it's hard, but it is possible.

13. Hug people until they let go first. They usually need that hug more than you think they do.

14. It is so important to spend time outside under the stars. They were created by the same God who created us.

15. You will only hurt yourself if you waste time hating someone. It is okay to take some time to hate what they did, but also forgive and don't let it define them.

16. Always have money set aside for vacations or spontaneous trips. Sometimes we need to take a break and explore.

17. Life isn't always fair, and it's not supposed to be. But just because it isn't fair, doesn't mean it's not a good life.

18. It's okay to be the only person who believes in the impossible.

19. Choose to spend time with the people who believe in you and who love the things you have a hard time liking about yourself.

20. Comparing yourself to others will either make you feel superior or inferior. Everyone was made to be equal.

21. There is more good than bad in the world, you just have to look for it.

22. Now is the best time to do something new. Later may not always be a possibility. 

I may not be who I thought I was going to be, but I like who I am and who I'm becoming. I'm so grateful that I survived another year, so I'll just keep living and learning as long as God allows me to.

Love, Miss KatieBug <3

Love During Tragedy

1999: Columbine, 12 killed.

2007: Virginia Tech, 32 killed.

2012: Aurora, 12 killed.

2012: Sandy Hook, 27 killed.

2016: Pulse Nightclub, 49 killed.

2017: Route 91 Festival, 59+ killed.

Las Vegas was not the first mass shooting of my lifetime, and sadly, I'm sure it won't be the last either. My thoughts and prayers go out to everyone involved in such terrible tragedies. I've been trying to write this post for a couple days now, but my heart is so broken and I can't help but cry when I think about it. I don't want to take away from the grief and pain people are feeling. I don't want or mean to offend anyone with this post, but I feel like there are some things I should say about this matter. Some will agree with me, some won't, and that's okay. Here is what I believe:

[To start off, my whole blog is centered around mental illness and suicide awareness. I've been through it and I've spent a lot of time learning about it. It hits close to home for me and I'd love to make more people aware. I realize that some people will never truly understand depression, anxiety, and/or any other kind of chemical imbalance in the brain. But I'm asking you to hear me out and bear with me on this next part.]

#1. Terrorism is defined as "the use of violence or threat of violence in the pursuit of political aims, religious, or ideological change. It can only be committed by non-state actors or undercover personnel serving on the behalf of their respective governments." So was it really a terrorist attack? I don't believe it was. It was a personal problem inside of himself. Why he felt like he needed to kill so many innocent people before taking his own life.. we'll never know the answer. But I do know one thing. No person in their right mind would ever go on a killing spree. I have heard several people explain the unfairness of how whites always get let off for mental illness; whereas, anyone of another race is accused of terrorism. Truthfully, it all stems from the brain. No normal, happy person will kill innocent people. Put race, gender, religion, etc. aside for once. It is all mental illness in the case of taking lives. Supposedly the ones we call "terrorists" grow up learning that they'll make it to the highest level of heaven by killing themselves, along with others, for government or religious reasons. Is that not a mental illness? They grow up learning it, which is changing the way their brain is programmed. It is causing a chemical imbalance to the point of them not being able to understand right from wrong. Terrorism or not, every attack can be linked back to some kind of illness or imbalance in the brain.

#2. This is not a gun control problem. I wish I could post those words everywhere and explain it in a way that will make sense to people. If someone wants a gun, illegal or not, they will find a way to get a gun. If someone wants to kill people, they will also find a way to do so. Guns don't kill people; people kill people. Auto weapons are already illegal, but the gunman used one anyway. Mexico has strict gun control, but their murder rate is 5 times higher than the U.S. Thousands of people died on September 11, 2001, but not a single gun was used. So please, someone explain how gun control will help the situation. It's a hate problem. Hate for the country. Hate for the president. Hate for each other and sometimes ourselves.

#3. So many people out there believe that there isn't a God because He "let's things like this happen". First of all, God doesn't make our decisions for us. Could God have stopped the attack if He wanted to? Sure He could have. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason though and I think awful things like this bring the nation closer. Every time a tragedy happens, whether it be a terrorist attack like 9/11 or a mass shooting, we all learn to love a little harder. We realize that there are good people in the world. We stand together and fight for the things we believe in. We grow closer to our families and we learn to say the important things because we never know when the words we say will be our last to someone. It's terrible that we need bad things to teach us this, but maybe for now it's our only way of learning. Things happen in the blink of an eye, and I think we understand life better after a tragedy happens. Prayers are answered, so let's pray for healing and peace. Pray for the families of the ones who lost their lives. Pray for every first responder and person who put their life on the line to save others. Pray for the family of the gunman. They're confused and hurting just like everyone else.

#4. There is more good than bad in the world. One coward stood at his hotel room window to shoot into a large crowd of people for no reason. Several people stood in that crowd sacrificing their lives and using their own body to shield and protect strangers. Hundreds of people lined up, no questions asked, to donate blood and save lives. Thousands of people cried, prayed, and donated money to the many GoFundMe accounts that were created for the victims. So let's honor the people who have lost their lives by living a little better and loving a little more with every breath we take. We don't know when we'll take our last.

I know that this post is very sensitive and controversial. Many people will disagree with it. I just felt like I needed to speak up and try helping others understand some of the important topics, even if it's just my own opinion. My heart truly goes out to everyone who lost a friend or loved one in any of the past tragedies of this world. Sometimes bad things happen to good people, usually the best people. Hold onto the memories and don't let the bad things make you bitter. Resentment will only hurt you, so choose love and kindness to make you stronger. We all have different battles to fight and demons to face. "But I say to you who hear: love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, and pray for those who spitefully use you... And just as you want men to do to you, you also do to them likewise." -Luke 6:27

I love and pray for you all.
Love, Miss KatieBug <3

To Hit Rock Bottom

"...You might have hit rock bottom, but it's the perfect place to start,
Where the only thing that you can hear is the beating of your heart,
You have to almost lose it to remember what you've had,
And that there's been a share of good times mixed in between the bad,
So don't wait for the ending until your last breath starts to leave,
Before you finally remember how much you like to breathe."
-e.h.

It's suicide awareness month again. This year, it wasn't me. It was my beautiful little sister. The warning signs were everywhere and we all saw them. She had never been to the doctor for it. She never tried medication. She silently struggled every day, alone in her room. The depression was there. The anxiety was there. We didn't need a doctor to tell us that, because we could see it. But you can't help someone who isn't ready to be helped. Sometimes, you just have to let them hit rock bottom. In April of this year, my sister hit her rock bottom. She hit the point of hopelessness that she didn't think she could recover from. Nobody saw it coming--not that soon anyway. Alone in her room, late at night, my little sister swallowed more than a handful of pills. Which is a lot, especially for a tiny 98 pound girl.

    "It was such a quick decision. I didn't even really think what I was about to do. What everyone who loved me would do if I was gone. I never thought about any of that. The only thing I was thinking was 'everything here is too hard for me and I can't be here anymore'. It was so hard feeling like the weight of the world was on my shoulders and I just wanted all of it to be gone. I felt like I was a burden for just being here and that was so hard on me. As soon as I did it, I realized it was something that I didn't want. I want to be here, I just needed help."

If it wasn't for her friends, my sister wouldn't be here today. She called one of them and he knew something was wrong, so he drove straight there and took her to the emergency room. At that point, she was almost completely incoherent. I'll never forget the messages I was receiving from my 13 year old sister after she found out what our other sister had done. She called me crying, but I live an hour away and I was at work. I thought I was never going to see my sister again. We were all terrified.

     "I never knew how many people actually cared for me until I had people coming into my hospital room and just crying to me about what I had done. It's something that I will never do again because once I did it I realized how much I really did want to be here. It takes time to get better and you just have to be patient about it and push yourself to get better."

She had to drink charcoal to absorb the meds, just like I did. But she was in the hospital for a few days so the doctors could observe the tylenol levels in her system. I don't think she ever spent a minute alone in there. Family was by her side the whole time. Once she was released, she was admitted into BHC. Same as me three years ago. And I knew it was the best place for her, even though she fought it. She was in there for about 5 days.

     "At the time, BHC seemed like the worst idea and I did not want to go at all. When I look back on it, I realize that I learned a lot of coping skills and how many other people are going through the same thing as I am. Sometimes you feel absolutely alone and it's so terrifying."

Today, she is okay. She still struggles each day but she's slowly getting better. She has a counselor now. She is on medication. She decided that online school was the best option for her. She was even able to get an emotional support animal. 

     "I deserve to be here, and I'm glad I'm still here. It was something that was so hard for me and something that I'll never do again. I will never forget that day and how scared I was."

Depression doesn't care how old or how young you are. It doesn't care if you are pretty, skinny, or smart. It's a darkness of the mind that feeds off of the smallest insecurities. Depression is one of the worst illnesses, because it can't be seen on the outside. Sometimes suicide feels like the only option, but there is help and there is hope. You are not alone. Once you've hit rock bottom, there is only one direction to go. And that's up. Rock bottom is just the beginning, so let it make you stronger. Don't let that darkness win. You deserve to be here. 

Love, Miss KatieBug <3

Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1 (800) 273-8255

*Dear Lacey May, you deserve to be here. You are not and never have been a burden. I'm so sorry that depression chose such a sweet girl to fight against. You are needed and wanted. You are so beautiful and I'm grateful that God sent you here to be my sister. Don't ever think you are broken. Pray for strength and courage on the hard days. And always remember that I've been where you are at. I'm here for you, no matter what. I love you more than anything.

Choose Yourself

"Happiness is a choice, not a result. Nothing will make you
happy until you choose to be happy. No person will make
you happy unless you decide to be happy. Your happiness
will not come to you. It can only come from you."

Who made you feel unworthy of being happy?

Who planted in your mind that you're unlovable?

They are wrong.

We are all born so tiny and innocent. We come into this world untouched, without ever knowing pain, unhappiness, or heartbreak. And eventually the world turns us into people we don't even recognize. It turns us against ourselves and each other. I think we're all just living the best we can, but we constantly search for affection and approval--which is just human nature. We come here with so much worth, but we tend to forget it along the way, and we seek it from others. So let me ask you a question..

What if the only approval you really need is your own? Honest answer: It is.

When we depend on the opinions of others, we lose our power. We lose the ability to see ourselves how God sees us. It makes it easier for us to forget how to be happy. We look for love because we want someone else to tell us how amazing and beautiful we are. We seem to stop believing all of the good qualities about ourselves, which means we need another person to believe them for us. But what happens when that person isn't in your life anymore? You fall apart. You blame everything on yourself and you let them hold power over you. 

"I'm not good enough for anybody." 

"I'm too fat, ugly, sensitive, annoying, etc."

"I'm broken."

You're none of these things. 

You're more than good enough. God made you, and I don't recall Him ever making a mistake. Maybe you don't look like that model in the magazine you are reading every day. You're not supposed to. Maybe you feel things so deeply that you cry more than the average person. That is okay. And you are never broken. It took me a long time to learn that one. Society uses that word too often. Broken minds, broken bones, broken hearts, broken homes, broken promises. No wonder we use it to describe ourselves too. Let me say it again though, you are not broken. You may be hurting, but you are alive and you're healing.

How would it feel to choose yourself? Stop caring what everybody else thinks, and learn to love every part of you. Start with the things you already know you like about yourself and go from there. It may only be 1 or 2 things for some of you. The more you focus on those little things, the more you'll start to see the big things. You can train your mind to see yourself differently, and when that happens, you'll be happier. You won't seek out happiness and love anymore because you'll have it inside you. So what if someone leaves your life? It's not your loss. So what if someone cancels plans or stands you up? Dress up and take yourself out--You deserve it. So what if the adversary, or satan, is against you every day? You don't have to fight him.. He already lost. 

It's you against you in this world. Choose to love yourself. Choose to be happy. Choose to depend on you. You'll win every time.

Love, Miss KatieBug <3

To The Boys Who Broke My Heart

"The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process
of loving someone too much, and forgetting
that you are special too."
-Ernest Hemingway

An open and honest letter to the boys who have "broken" my heart:

And yes, I do mean boys, because you clearly don't know how to be men. I've learned some things about myself thanks to all of you. I used to think relationships would just always work out if I fought for it and put in all of my effort. But sometimes it had nothing to do with me at all, and you were the one to blame. I'm the kind of girl who would cross oceans and move mountains for the people I love. You know this, and you took it for granted. My first heartbreak was sudden and unexpected. I thought I was completely broken and I didn't know what to do with myself. I felt like a failure and I put all of the blame on me. 10 months. That's how long it took for me to get over you, and I hated you for doing that to me. Even 6 months after you left, I was still crying every day. I don't know if you'll read this but I hope it hurts you to think about me.

I shut down after you left and I started pushing people away. I didn't go on dates because I never wanted to be that close to someone again if they were just going to leave. I blamed you for making me that way, but it couldn't possibly have been your fault. That was on me. I was putting up a wall and protecting my heart. I was turning cold and I wouldn't give myself a chance to find love, and it took me a while to learn that I wasn't being fair to myself. I've had more guys leave since you. All of you leave the same way. Either you find someone who you think is better, or you just shut me out and stop talking to me. And I just want to say thank you for leaving--I wouldn't have been able to do it on my own. You have taught me that I deserve better, because I do.

I remember a time in my life when I didn't know my self worth. I know it now. I learned how to love myself a little bit more with each piece of my heart that you guys took. But you do not get the credit for that love. The truth is, I've always known how to love, it just took longer for me to realize that I could love myself with all of the love I was giving away. Each of you said to me, "I am so lucky, and I don't deserve you." Maybe you were right. Do you know what I believe though? Every person who has lived, is living, or will live deserves all of the love this world has to offer. Whether you are good or bad--You deserve to be loved. But you'll never end up with that kind of love if you think you don't deserve it. That's the honest truth.

"We accept the love we think we deserve." -Perks of Being a Wallflower

God took you guys out of my life for a reason, but I know you won't forget me. I know you often think about how much I cared, and how I would have done anything for you. You think about every long, heartfelt text that I'd send when you were having a bad day. You think about how effortlessly and deeply I loved. Someday I'm going to find someone who loves me that same way, because I deserve it. You will never have the satisfaction of breaking me, because I can not be broken. I will not lose myself because I lost you. I'm worth more than the heartaches you caused. I'm worth more than the small amount of effort you put into our relationship. I'm worth more than you'll ever realize. But you are also worth more than you'll ever realize. I hope you find a love that sets your soul on fire.. a love that you will never have to question if you deserve it or not.

I hope that, because of me, you understand how it should feel to be loved.

Love, Miss KatieBug <3

The Truth Behind the Reasons

"If only we could see the endless string of consequences

that result from our smallest actions. But we can't

know better until knowing better is useless."

-Jay Asher, 13 Reasons Why 

*Spoiler alerts
**Trigger warnings: rape & suicide

    Everyone has been discussing the newest Netflix series, "13 Reasons Why", which is based off of the book written by Jay Asher. The series is shedding a new light (or darkness) on the realities of rape, suicide, and mental illness in the lives of high-schoolers. Back when I was a sophomore, my English teacher read the first couple chapters of this book to our class. Right at a cliff hanger, she shut the book and told us it wasn't appropriate to read at school but it was an important one to read on our own time. I searched the whole week for the book and I bought it without question. Immediately, after arriving home, I started and finished the entire book in one sitting. Yes, it is that good! 

    So, let's talk about Hannah Baker. The story is all about her. Hannah records 13 tapes to pass around to the classmates who were "reasons" for why she killed herself. Each person had to go through and listen to the tapes, then pass them on. The reasons start off as small as name calling, and turn into as serious as rape. Her classmates, as well as several people who have watched the series, believe that Hannah is just overreacting. But the truth is, if you've never been suicidal, you wouldn't understand. It always starts with the little things that wouldn't affect a normal person, and then everything starts to hurt the same. You never know how much a simple thing can affect someone who already hates them self or their life.

"...And at some point, the struggle becomes 

too much, too tiring, and you consider letting go. 

Allowing tragedy, or whatever, to happen."

    I realize that you can't blame someone else for suicide. It is a personal decision, and it always will be. But what people don't realize, is that every little awful thing they do and say to someone, could be slowly pushing them over the edge. I know this because it happened to me, and I was almost a Hannah Baker. If you've been a follower of my blog, you already know this. What you don't know is.. I wrote letters to every person who led me to the decision of wanting to end my life. I did this after the attempt. I survived, but I needed a way to heal and feel at peace. Writing has always been my way of escape. I pulled out a journal, I jotted down 10 names, and I wrote letters. They were detailed and they were not nice at all. Although, instead of ruining those people like they ruined me, I burned each letter. Those ten people did not need to know, and they never will.
    I remember though. I went through the same things as Hannah. I remember being called names. I remember being rejected, used, and hurt. I remember being raped. I remember thinking, "my life will never get better, and I can't live like this". In a short episode called "Beyond the Reasons" at the end of the series, a doctor explains, "young adults haven't fully formed their frontal lobe, or executive function as we call it, so everything that happens feels like 'this is forever'." That statement could not be more true. The teenage years are so hard and it seems like they'll never end. But guess what? They actually do end. Life has a funny way of showing us how strong we can be. Suicide survivors feel weak for a little while, but they seem to gain back a strength that they never knew existed.
    In this series, they show not one, but two rape scenes. To the people who are offended by these explicit scenes, I hope you understand that rape is something we need to learn about. It is so common, and they made those scenes uncomfortable for a reason. The producers put this out there for victims to know they're not alone, and for predators to see the pain it leaves on the person they assault. Statistics get higher and higher every year. 1 in 5 women get raped or sexually assaulted in their lifetime. Now is the time for us victims to take a stand and bring rape to people's attention. I've put my story out in the world because someday, we will get justice and our rapists will be stopped. I said no. I was lying there, stuck under the weight of his body, with all track of time lost because I could not breathe and the tears wouldn't stop falling. But him? He was fine. He got what he wanted, and I was the one who went home feeling broken.
    Now for the suicide scene. It is painful and hard to watch. They don't leave anything to the imagination in that episode. It shows everything and it is graphic. In the book, we find out that Hannah overdoses and the author just leaves it at that. In the series, however, Hannah fills up the bath tub, slits her wrists, and bleeds to death. I listened to the producers side of this story and why they chose that ending for her, but it's awfully sad. In the world today, people seem to "romanticize" suicide and they believe that there is something "beautifully tragic" about it. If you watch this episode, I promise, you will never think that again. One producer said, "The way she does it, you can't watch it and feel like it's glamorized in any way". I chose to overdose because most women choose to end their life in what they think will be a beautiful way. Watch the episode. Tell me if it's beautiful for her parents to find their only daughter dead. It doesn't matter how you do it, it's tragic any way you choose, but it's never beautiful.
   You know my story. You know Hannah's story. So what's your story? How are you changing the lives of those around you? Were you once the person who recorded the tapes, or were you the person on the tapes? Maybe you are just somebody who stands by and watches. Maybe you were someone's saving grace. Listen to the words that come out of your mouth. Choose your actions carefully. "No one knows for certain how much impact they have on the lives of other people."

    Here's to the survivors (of anything), and to the people who struggle in silence:

"You're not a victim for sharing your story. 

You are a survivor setting the world on fire with your truth. 

And you never know who needs your light, your warmth, and raging courage."

-Alex Elle

Love, Miss KatieBug <3

Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

Our Home

"Temples are more than stone and mortar.

They are filled with faith and fasting.

They are built of trials and testimonies.

They are sanctified by sacrifice and service."

-President Thomas S. Monson

As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I'm in awe at how many beautiful temples we have and the ever growing need for more. As a member of the Pocatello community, I'm ecstatic that they have announced a temple to be built in this city! As a church, we have faced persecution since the very beginning and we know how to handle it. We are not a perfect people, only the gospel, itself, is perfect. We may judge people and say things we don't mean, just like everybody else. We believe in our religion with our whole heart, and I wish Mormons received the same respect that the majority of us give to other religions and their beliefs. Here are a few things that myself (and others) have heard or read since the announcement of the new temple, and let me try to set the record straight.

"The mormons announce that they're building 5 new temples but there is poverty and starvation running rampant throughout the world."
**This point is invalid. The LDS religion is known for the charity work they do all over the world. We can afford new temples alongside of helping the poor and needy. In case you weren't aware, several hundred Mormons dedicate their lives to serving others. They continuously donate their time, money, and belongings. We help where and when we can. I've seen this first hand.

"Lol Pocatello is building a temple but said no to funding a homeless shelter???"
**First of all, this is not our religions fault. Our church pays for temples with their own money and they do not take anything, but land, from the city. Yes, Pocatello was denied a homeless shelter, and maybe nobody even knows the reason. But it could be because the city can't afford one right now. Also, the property that they would like to use for this new temple, is already owned by the LDS church.

"Don't preach equality for the building of the temple in Poky when you know most of your ward members opposed the Mosque and it's members."
**This is not the truth. A new mosque doesn't affect how we worship, so why would it matter to us? Maybe a few people were bothered by it, but "most" of us understand that we are not the only religion in this community. Muslims are very common around here, and they should have a place to worship as well. If you are not LDS, a new temple being built does not affect you in any way. Let us be excited.

Several people also made comments about how disturbing it is that we are getting a temple before certain stores or restaurants.
**Again, there is a difference in church and state/city. Not our fault. If you want something specific in the town, then go to the city hall and complain.

I realize that several people just don't understand the meaning and importance behind LDS temples, and I don't know if I can even explain it. Pocatello is considered "home" to those who grew up here. A temple is considered "home" to those who are active in the church. We don't expect any non-members to understand this concept, but we do expect you to have a little respect. If you really are so offended by a temple in your community, send a letter to our prophet. If you are angry that you aren't allowed inside of it, there is an option for you. Once the temple is built, they will do an open house for a couple weeks where it will be available to the public. You are invited.

We are proud of our temples, and we use them for sacred ordinances that maybe some of you will never understand. If you have questions, ask. If you want nothing to do with it, that's fine too. Just because Pocatello is getting a temple, doesn't mean they are undermining any other religion. What you say and do always affects others. There is no need to bash on another person's beliefs if they are different than yours. This is the kind of thing that makes the world go round. We all look and act different from each other. We all have different upbringings, beliefs, and stories to tell. That's diversity. We need to lift each other up and have more respect in this world. If something was not meant to offend or affect you, please do not let it. Be the calm in this world of constant chaos. Be the love in this world so full of judgment.

Love, Miss KatieBug  <3

A Letter to All Women

"Women were made to be warriors, full of hope and love. We were made to overcome and fight our own battles with strength and dignity. We are here to lift each other 

up and brighten the days of those around us."

-Katelyn Marie, Age 22

To the girl who is feeling weak,

To the girl who is losing herself,

To the girl who is breaking down,

To the girl who is giving up,

You are enough. Always.

Maybe right about now you don't quite know who you are and middle school is a struggle. Friends are constantly turning their backs on you and you can barely make it through school each day without falling apart. I've been there, and I'm telling you that even the toughest day will only last 24 hours. Everyday is a new day and sometimes it's best to start over. You don't have to go back to that friend who hurt you so badly that you thought you would never recover. You can move on. Focus on yourself, and love yourself despite what they say to you. Besides, all of the other kids in middle school are just trying to figure out who they are too.

Maybe you're at home dealing with your first heartbreak, and you are all out of tears to cry. Honey, this probably won't be your last. It sucks, and I know that it feels like the end of the world. You gave him everything and you loved him with a love that you didn't even know existed. It doesn't matter if you are 15 or 50, heartbreak is heartbreak and it all hurts the same. Don't you dare let this break you, and do not let someone tell you that boys aren't worth your tears. Let it out and cry until your heart starts to mend itself. It's okay and things will start looking up eventually. Everyone heals at a different pace. So cry. Cry for a day or cry for a month, but don't lose yourself because you lost him.

Maybe you're a single or young mom and you're at your breaking point. Maybe you prayed for this baby forever, and now you are struggling with postpartum depression. Life was hard enough when you were just taking care of yourself, and now you have someone that depends on you to take care of and protect them. This was not meant to be easy, and maybe you didn't even choose this. Don't listen to the ones on the outside who are judging your every move. People will try to break you down, but it's your job to get back up. Get up for your children. Get up for yourself. Get up and love this beautiful mess you are living in, because you are stronger than you think you are. Children were made to love unconditionally, and they think you are amazing. You are amazing.

Maybe you are trying to live this life in the midst of crippling anxiety and depression and you're about to give up. Maybe you consider ending your life every day. I know what this is like, and I know that you're hurting. Sweetie, carving your skin won't take away the pain. You are beautiful, and you need to realize that. Please don't hide away from the world, somebody needs you, and it could be somebody that you haven't even met yet. You can overcome this, and trust me, I know it feels impossible right now. Never let someone tell you that you're just begging for attention, or that you're being pathetic. Your struggle does not define you. Mental illness exists, and just because you have to rely on medication to get out of bed in the morning does not mean you are weak.

We are women. We feel the pressures of the world every day and sometimes it feels like too much to bear. You've come this far, so please don't give up now. The world needs you. I need you. You are doing great, and you are alive. So continue to breathe and conquer each new day that comes along. Bad days are bound to happen. Good days are promised. You are, and always will be, enough.

Love, Miss KatieBug <3