To Hit Rock Bottom

"...You might have hit rock bottom, but it's the perfect place to start,
Where the only thing that you can hear is the beating of your heart,
You have to almost lose it to remember what you've had,
And that there's been a share of good times mixed in between the bad,
So don't wait for the ending until your last breath starts to leave,
Before you finally remember how much you like to breathe."
-e.h.

It's suicide awareness month again. This year, it wasn't me. It was my beautiful little sister. The warning signs were everywhere and we all saw them. She had never been to the doctor for it. She never tried medication. She silently struggled every day, alone in her room. The depression was there. The anxiety was there. We didn't need a doctor to tell us that, because we could see it. But you can't help someone who isn't ready to be helped. Sometimes, you just have to let them hit rock bottom. In April of this year, my sister hit her rock bottom. She hit the point of hopelessness that she didn't think she could recover from. Nobody saw it coming--not that soon anyway. Alone in her room, late at night, my little sister swallowed more than a handful of pills. Which is a lot, especially for a tiny 98 pound girl.

    "It was such a quick decision. I didn't even really think what I was about to do. What everyone who loved me would do if I was gone. I never thought about any of that. The only thing I was thinking was 'everything here is too hard for me and I can't be here anymore'. It was so hard feeling like the weight of the world was on my shoulders and I just wanted all of it to be gone. I felt like I was a burden for just being here and that was so hard on me. As soon as I did it, I realized it was something that I didn't want. I want to be here, I just needed help."

If it wasn't for her friends, my sister wouldn't be here today. She called one of them and he knew something was wrong, so he drove straight there and took her to the emergency room. At that point, she was almost completely incoherent. I'll never forget the messages I was receiving from my 13 year old sister after she found out what our other sister had done. She called me crying, but I live an hour away and I was at work. I thought I was never going to see my sister again. We were all terrified.

     "I never knew how many people actually cared for me until I had people coming into my hospital room and just crying to me about what I had done. It's something that I will never do again because once I did it I realized how much I really did want to be here. It takes time to get better and you just have to be patient about it and push yourself to get better."

She had to drink charcoal to absorb the meds, just like I did. But she was in the hospital for a few days so the doctors could observe the tylenol levels in her system. I don't think she ever spent a minute alone in there. Family was by her side the whole time. Once she was released, she was admitted into BHC. Same as me three years ago. And I knew it was the best place for her, even though she fought it. She was in there for about 5 days.

     "At the time, BHC seemed like the worst idea and I did not want to go at all. When I look back on it, I realize that I learned a lot of coping skills and how many other people are going through the same thing as I am. Sometimes you feel absolutely alone and it's so terrifying."

Today, she is okay. She still struggles each day but she's slowly getting better. She has a counselor now. She is on medication. She decided that online school was the best option for her. She was even able to get an emotional support animal. 

     "I deserve to be here, and I'm glad I'm still here. It was something that was so hard for me and something that I'll never do again. I will never forget that day and how scared I was."

Depression doesn't care how old or how young you are. It doesn't care if you are pretty, skinny, or smart. It's a darkness of the mind that feeds off of the smallest insecurities. Depression is one of the worst illnesses, because it can't be seen on the outside. Sometimes suicide feels like the only option, but there is help and there is hope. You are not alone. Once you've hit rock bottom, there is only one direction to go. And that's up. Rock bottom is just the beginning, so let it make you stronger. Don't let that darkness win. You deserve to be here. 

Love, Miss KatieBug <3

Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1 (800) 273-8255

*Dear Lacey May, you deserve to be here. You are not and never have been a burden. I'm so sorry that depression chose such a sweet girl to fight against. You are needed and wanted. You are so beautiful and I'm grateful that God sent you here to be my sister. Don't ever think you are broken. Pray for strength and courage on the hard days. And always remember that I've been where you are at. I'm here for you, no matter what. I love you more than anything.

Semicolon Project

"Sometimes the people around you won't understand your journey.
They don't need to, it's not for them."

My instagram post (11/21/15)
"I realize that some people will be mad or disappointed that I got another tattoo. But this one has a lot of meaning to me. A semicolon is used when an author could have ended a sentence, but chose not to. This tattoo represents a life that could have ended, but didn't. Mine. I've struggled, and I've fought. Now I'm standing up for this cause."

The semicolon has become very popular within the past year or two. Everyone who self harms, is suicidal, depressed, has anxiety, is unhappy, struggles with an eating disorder, etc. is supposed to draw a semicolon on their wrist on April 16. This is called the semicolon project. By doing this, people will come to realize that they are not alone. This is not to make mental illnesses popular. They are not a fashion trend. They are a daily struggle for those who suffer with them.

I don't expect everyone to understand this. This tattoo is to remind me that I am a fighter, but it is to remind others that I will stand with them. I will hug every person that I see with this tattoo and let them know that they don't have to suffer alone. The world is a hard place to live in and life is tough, but so are you! I really believe that the semicolon project will make a difference in the world, whether you draw it on or make it permanent. Change a life. Make an impact. Share your story.

Love, Miss KatieBug <3