Love During Tragedy

1999: Columbine, 12 killed.

2007: Virginia Tech, 32 killed.

2012: Aurora, 12 killed.

2012: Sandy Hook, 27 killed.

2016: Pulse Nightclub, 49 killed.

2017: Route 91 Festival, 59+ killed.

Las Vegas was not the first mass shooting of my lifetime, and sadly, I'm sure it won't be the last either. My thoughts and prayers go out to everyone involved in such terrible tragedies. I've been trying to write this post for a couple days now, but my heart is so broken and I can't help but cry when I think about it. I don't want to take away from the grief and pain people are feeling. I don't want or mean to offend anyone with this post, but I feel like there are some things I should say about this matter. Some will agree with me, some won't, and that's okay. Here is what I believe:

[To start off, my whole blog is centered around mental illness and suicide awareness. I've been through it and I've spent a lot of time learning about it. It hits close to home for me and I'd love to make more people aware. I realize that some people will never truly understand depression, anxiety, and/or any other kind of chemical imbalance in the brain. But I'm asking you to hear me out and bear with me on this next part.]

#1. Terrorism is defined as "the use of violence or threat of violence in the pursuit of political aims, religious, or ideological change. It can only be committed by non-state actors or undercover personnel serving on the behalf of their respective governments." So was it really a terrorist attack? I don't believe it was. It was a personal problem inside of himself. Why he felt like he needed to kill so many innocent people before taking his own life.. we'll never know the answer. But I do know one thing. No person in their right mind would ever go on a killing spree. I have heard several people explain the unfairness of how whites always get let off for mental illness; whereas, anyone of another race is accused of terrorism. Truthfully, it all stems from the brain. No normal, happy person will kill innocent people. Put race, gender, religion, etc. aside for once. It is all mental illness in the case of taking lives. Supposedly the ones we call "terrorists" grow up learning that they'll make it to the highest level of heaven by killing themselves, along with others, for government or religious reasons. Is that not a mental illness? They grow up learning it, which is changing the way their brain is programmed. It is causing a chemical imbalance to the point of them not being able to understand right from wrong. Terrorism or not, every attack can be linked back to some kind of illness or imbalance in the brain.

#2. This is not a gun control problem. I wish I could post those words everywhere and explain it in a way that will make sense to people. If someone wants a gun, illegal or not, they will find a way to get a gun. If someone wants to kill people, they will also find a way to do so. Guns don't kill people; people kill people. Auto weapons are already illegal, but the gunman used one anyway. Mexico has strict gun control, but their murder rate is 5 times higher than the U.S. Thousands of people died on September 11, 2001, but not a single gun was used. So please, someone explain how gun control will help the situation. It's a hate problem. Hate for the country. Hate for the president. Hate for each other and sometimes ourselves.

#3. So many people out there believe that there isn't a God because He "let's things like this happen". First of all, God doesn't make our decisions for us. Could God have stopped the attack if He wanted to? Sure He could have. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason though and I think awful things like this bring the nation closer. Every time a tragedy happens, whether it be a terrorist attack like 9/11 or a mass shooting, we all learn to love a little harder. We realize that there are good people in the world. We stand together and fight for the things we believe in. We grow closer to our families and we learn to say the important things because we never know when the words we say will be our last to someone. It's terrible that we need bad things to teach us this, but maybe for now it's our only way of learning. Things happen in the blink of an eye, and I think we understand life better after a tragedy happens. Prayers are answered, so let's pray for healing and peace. Pray for the families of the ones who lost their lives. Pray for every first responder and person who put their life on the line to save others. Pray for the family of the gunman. They're confused and hurting just like everyone else.

#4. There is more good than bad in the world. One coward stood at his hotel room window to shoot into a large crowd of people for no reason. Several people stood in that crowd sacrificing their lives and using their own body to shield and protect strangers. Hundreds of people lined up, no questions asked, to donate blood and save lives. Thousands of people cried, prayed, and donated money to the many GoFundMe accounts that were created for the victims. So let's honor the people who have lost their lives by living a little better and loving a little more with every breath we take. We don't know when we'll take our last.

I know that this post is very sensitive and controversial. Many people will disagree with it. I just felt like I needed to speak up and try helping others understand some of the important topics, even if it's just my own opinion. My heart truly goes out to everyone who lost a friend or loved one in any of the past tragedies of this world. Sometimes bad things happen to good people, usually the best people. Hold onto the memories and don't let the bad things make you bitter. Resentment will only hurt you, so choose love and kindness to make you stronger. We all have different battles to fight and demons to face. "But I say to you who hear: love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, and pray for those who spitefully use you... And just as you want men to do to you, you also do to them likewise." -Luke 6:27

I love and pray for you all.
Love, Miss KatieBug <3

To Hit Rock Bottom

"...You might have hit rock bottom, but it's the perfect place to start,
Where the only thing that you can hear is the beating of your heart,
You have to almost lose it to remember what you've had,
And that there's been a share of good times mixed in between the bad,
So don't wait for the ending until your last breath starts to leave,
Before you finally remember how much you like to breathe."
-e.h.

It's suicide awareness month again. This year, it wasn't me. It was my beautiful little sister. The warning signs were everywhere and we all saw them. She had never been to the doctor for it. She never tried medication. She silently struggled every day, alone in her room. The depression was there. The anxiety was there. We didn't need a doctor to tell us that, because we could see it. But you can't help someone who isn't ready to be helped. Sometimes, you just have to let them hit rock bottom. In April of this year, my sister hit her rock bottom. She hit the point of hopelessness that she didn't think she could recover from. Nobody saw it coming--not that soon anyway. Alone in her room, late at night, my little sister swallowed more than a handful of pills. Which is a lot, especially for a tiny 98 pound girl.

    "It was such a quick decision. I didn't even really think what I was about to do. What everyone who loved me would do if I was gone. I never thought about any of that. The only thing I was thinking was 'everything here is too hard for me and I can't be here anymore'. It was so hard feeling like the weight of the world was on my shoulders and I just wanted all of it to be gone. I felt like I was a burden for just being here and that was so hard on me. As soon as I did it, I realized it was something that I didn't want. I want to be here, I just needed help."

If it wasn't for her friends, my sister wouldn't be here today. She called one of them and he knew something was wrong, so he drove straight there and took her to the emergency room. At that point, she was almost completely incoherent. I'll never forget the messages I was receiving from my 13 year old sister after she found out what our other sister had done. She called me crying, but I live an hour away and I was at work. I thought I was never going to see my sister again. We were all terrified.

     "I never knew how many people actually cared for me until I had people coming into my hospital room and just crying to me about what I had done. It's something that I will never do again because once I did it I realized how much I really did want to be here. It takes time to get better and you just have to be patient about it and push yourself to get better."

She had to drink charcoal to absorb the meds, just like I did. But she was in the hospital for a few days so the doctors could observe the tylenol levels in her system. I don't think she ever spent a minute alone in there. Family was by her side the whole time. Once she was released, she was admitted into BHC. Same as me three years ago. And I knew it was the best place for her, even though she fought it. She was in there for about 5 days.

     "At the time, BHC seemed like the worst idea and I did not want to go at all. When I look back on it, I realize that I learned a lot of coping skills and how many other people are going through the same thing as I am. Sometimes you feel absolutely alone and it's so terrifying."

Today, she is okay. She still struggles each day but she's slowly getting better. She has a counselor now. She is on medication. She decided that online school was the best option for her. She was even able to get an emotional support animal. 

     "I deserve to be here, and I'm glad I'm still here. It was something that was so hard for me and something that I'll never do again. I will never forget that day and how scared I was."

Depression doesn't care how old or how young you are. It doesn't care if you are pretty, skinny, or smart. It's a darkness of the mind that feeds off of the smallest insecurities. Depression is one of the worst illnesses, because it can't be seen on the outside. Sometimes suicide feels like the only option, but there is help and there is hope. You are not alone. Once you've hit rock bottom, there is only one direction to go. And that's up. Rock bottom is just the beginning, so let it make you stronger. Don't let that darkness win. You deserve to be here. 

Love, Miss KatieBug <3

Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1 (800) 273-8255

*Dear Lacey May, you deserve to be here. You are not and never have been a burden. I'm so sorry that depression chose such a sweet girl to fight against. You are needed and wanted. You are so beautiful and I'm grateful that God sent you here to be my sister. Don't ever think you are broken. Pray for strength and courage on the hard days. And always remember that I've been where you are at. I'm here for you, no matter what. I love you more than anything.

The Truth Behind the Reasons

"If only we could see the endless string of consequences

that result from our smallest actions. But we can't

know better until knowing better is useless."

-Jay Asher, 13 Reasons Why 

*Spoiler alerts
**Trigger warnings: rape & suicide

    Everyone has been discussing the newest Netflix series, "13 Reasons Why", which is based off of the book written by Jay Asher. The series is shedding a new light (or darkness) on the realities of rape, suicide, and mental illness in the lives of high-schoolers. Back when I was a sophomore, my English teacher read the first couple chapters of this book to our class. Right at a cliff hanger, she shut the book and told us it wasn't appropriate to read at school but it was an important one to read on our own time. I searched the whole week for the book and I bought it without question. Immediately, after arriving home, I started and finished the entire book in one sitting. Yes, it is that good! 

    So, let's talk about Hannah Baker. The story is all about her. Hannah records 13 tapes to pass around to the classmates who were "reasons" for why she killed herself. Each person had to go through and listen to the tapes, then pass them on. The reasons start off as small as name calling, and turn into as serious as rape. Her classmates, as well as several people who have watched the series, believe that Hannah is just overreacting. But the truth is, if you've never been suicidal, you wouldn't understand. It always starts with the little things that wouldn't affect a normal person, and then everything starts to hurt the same. You never know how much a simple thing can affect someone who already hates them self or their life.

"...And at some point, the struggle becomes 

too much, too tiring, and you consider letting go. 

Allowing tragedy, or whatever, to happen."

    I realize that you can't blame someone else for suicide. It is a personal decision, and it always will be. But what people don't realize, is that every little awful thing they do and say to someone, could be slowly pushing them over the edge. I know this because it happened to me, and I was almost a Hannah Baker. If you've been a follower of my blog, you already know this. What you don't know is.. I wrote letters to every person who led me to the decision of wanting to end my life. I did this after the attempt. I survived, but I needed a way to heal and feel at peace. Writing has always been my way of escape. I pulled out a journal, I jotted down 10 names, and I wrote letters. They were detailed and they were not nice at all. Although, instead of ruining those people like they ruined me, I burned each letter. Those ten people did not need to know, and they never will.
    I remember though. I went through the same things as Hannah. I remember being called names. I remember being rejected, used, and hurt. I remember being raped. I remember thinking, "my life will never get better, and I can't live like this". In a short episode called "Beyond the Reasons" at the end of the series, a doctor explains, "young adults haven't fully formed their frontal lobe, or executive function as we call it, so everything that happens feels like 'this is forever'." That statement could not be more true. The teenage years are so hard and it seems like they'll never end. But guess what? They actually do end. Life has a funny way of showing us how strong we can be. Suicide survivors feel weak for a little while, but they seem to gain back a strength that they never knew existed.
    In this series, they show not one, but two rape scenes. To the people who are offended by these explicit scenes, I hope you understand that rape is something we need to learn about. It is so common, and they made those scenes uncomfortable for a reason. The producers put this out there for victims to know they're not alone, and for predators to see the pain it leaves on the person they assault. Statistics get higher and higher every year. 1 in 5 women get raped or sexually assaulted in their lifetime. Now is the time for us victims to take a stand and bring rape to people's attention. I've put my story out in the world because someday, we will get justice and our rapists will be stopped. I said no. I was lying there, stuck under the weight of his body, with all track of time lost because I could not breathe and the tears wouldn't stop falling. But him? He was fine. He got what he wanted, and I was the one who went home feeling broken.
    Now for the suicide scene. It is painful and hard to watch. They don't leave anything to the imagination in that episode. It shows everything and it is graphic. In the book, we find out that Hannah overdoses and the author just leaves it at that. In the series, however, Hannah fills up the bath tub, slits her wrists, and bleeds to death. I listened to the producers side of this story and why they chose that ending for her, but it's awfully sad. In the world today, people seem to "romanticize" suicide and they believe that there is something "beautifully tragic" about it. If you watch this episode, I promise, you will never think that again. One producer said, "The way she does it, you can't watch it and feel like it's glamorized in any way". I chose to overdose because most women choose to end their life in what they think will be a beautiful way. Watch the episode. Tell me if it's beautiful for her parents to find their only daughter dead. It doesn't matter how you do it, it's tragic any way you choose, but it's never beautiful.
   You know my story. You know Hannah's story. So what's your story? How are you changing the lives of those around you? Were you once the person who recorded the tapes, or were you the person on the tapes? Maybe you are just somebody who stands by and watches. Maybe you were someone's saving grace. Listen to the words that come out of your mouth. Choose your actions carefully. "No one knows for certain how much impact they have on the lives of other people."

    Here's to the survivors (of anything), and to the people who struggle in silence:

"You're not a victim for sharing your story. 

You are a survivor setting the world on fire with your truth. 

And you never know who needs your light, your warmth, and raging courage."

-Alex Elle

Love, Miss KatieBug <3

Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

Semicolon Project

"Sometimes the people around you won't understand your journey.
They don't need to, it's not for them."

My instagram post (11/21/15)
"I realize that some people will be mad or disappointed that I got another tattoo. But this one has a lot of meaning to me. A semicolon is used when an author could have ended a sentence, but chose not to. This tattoo represents a life that could have ended, but didn't. Mine. I've struggled, and I've fought. Now I'm standing up for this cause."

The semicolon has become very popular within the past year or two. Everyone who self harms, is suicidal, depressed, has anxiety, is unhappy, struggles with an eating disorder, etc. is supposed to draw a semicolon on their wrist on April 16. This is called the semicolon project. By doing this, people will come to realize that they are not alone. This is not to make mental illnesses popular. They are not a fashion trend. They are a daily struggle for those who suffer with them.

I don't expect everyone to understand this. This tattoo is to remind me that I am a fighter, but it is to remind others that I will stand with them. I will hug every person that I see with this tattoo and let them know that they don't have to suffer alone. The world is a hard place to live in and life is tough, but so are you! I really believe that the semicolon project will make a difference in the world, whether you draw it on or make it permanent. Change a life. Make an impact. Share your story.

Love, Miss KatieBug <3

WORDS.

"Words are a powerful thing. Use them for good. Use your words to love the people who need it most, and to comfort those who are hurting. Speak in a way that people will learn to love themselves. Never belittle. Be a teacher and a friend. It takes one word to break someone down and a million words to build them back up. Use your words wisely and carefully. One wrong word may change the course of a person's life. Choose to change a life for the better. Be the hero."
               -Katelyn Marie, 20 years old

We've all heard the saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." I only wish that was the truth, but sadly, it's not. We live in a society where people (young and old) are committing and attempting suicide every day. Suicide takes almost five-thousand lives each year. And one of the causes is us, our words and our actions. We may see people getting bullied at school, or on the street; yet, we do nothing. Have you ever thought about how your own thoughts affect you? We tell ourselves day after day that "we aren't good enough", or "we're not pretty", or maybe we just don't feel like we belong. That's bullying.

One day, back in middle school, I was talking to a crying girl who hated everything about herself. She was one of the smartest girls I knew, and she didn't see the potential in her life. She couldn't see beyond her own flaws. I didn't know a thing about her home life, but I knew she was struggling there as well. I sat in math class with her every day for a week and I did what I could to build her up, because I saw the pain in her eyes. I saw that she needed a friend. Later that year, I learned that she was planning on killing herself that weekend. She was still around all through high school, and I never stopped being her friend. I don't know where she is now or what she is doing with her life, but I think of her occasionally to remind myself that words can be a lifesaver.

I've always been one to put myself down, but build up everyone around me. I can't stand to see people hurting, but I'm hurting myself every day without realizing it. Many of us are. This cycle has to change. We need to stand up for ourselves. We need to stand up for others. Use your words. Use positive words. Be an inspiration. Save a life. Pray for those who need extra strength and love. If you pay close enough attention, I promise you will see which people need your support. You'll be able to hear it in their words and see it in their eyes. Please don't overlook those around you. Pay attention, and share your story.

We are our own worst enemy. It may be easy for some of us to brush off what other people say, but do we really ever brush off our own words? Of course not, because we believe them. Watching what we say to ourselves is just as essential as watching what we say to others. WE can prevent suicide. WE can make a difference. WE can be a hero. Words can hurt, but they don't have to.

Love, Miss KatieBug <3