Like a Storm

"Depression is like a storm. It starts slow,
Eating away at you slowly, then it becomes stronger,
And causes more damage. Then it stops,
And you think you're fine, that it's getting better.
Like it's safe to go outside now, and enjoy the finer things in life
Kind of like the eye of the storm. Then out of nowhere,
It hits you again, knocking you down,
Harder than before, until you're no more.
It swallows you, clogs your vision.
So then you can't see how close to ending it is.
And some don't make it, thinking that the only way
To stop the storm, is to stop themselves."

-Unknown

*trigger warning: suicidal thoughts

Journal Entry: August 14, 2018
I failed myself. I failed {all of you}, and I'm sorry. At least, that's how I feel right now. I thought I was better. I thought my depression was gone forever. But it's back, and it's worse. And I'm scared. I hate being alive most days again, but not exactly in a suicidal type of way. I don't want to hurt myself, but maybe a coma or something would suffice. I'm not opposed to getting hit by a car or something though. That's how I know I'm not safe.

I have been trying to write this blog post since that day back in August. I can only seem to get out a little at a time, because this hurts. This struggle is painful and I'm afraid of judgment. But today (Nov. 4), I will finish, so here it goes:

I've always been told that depression comes in waves, but I had never experienced it that way. Mine was terrible for years and years. I learned how to cope with the daily struggles and just accepted that I would live like that forever. Sleep my days away. Then one day, about a  year and a half ago, my depression disappeared. It was completely gone and life felt perfect. I was genuinely happy for the first time in my life, and that feeling lasted through the seasons. Not even winter depression showed up. I thought I was "cured". But sadly, the storm found it's way back to me.

The very first sign of my depression coming back (which started about mid-July) was anger. I'm not typically an angry person, but I was livid all the time at everybody. I was so confused and I honestly could not understand what was wrong with me. I was hurting myself and I was hurting those around me. I lost all of my patience. Every situation became too stressful and I couldn't cope. Because of this severe anger, I had to quit one of my jobs in fear that I would lash out and cause physical harm to somebody. I'm afraid of myself.

At the beginning of August, I went to my doctor and requested to be put back on antidepressants. If you've kept up with my blog, you know that I was medication free for over a year. It was hard to accept the medication again, and I was humiliated. I cried, a lot. But I need them for now. I've been taking them for 90 days, and they haven't helped entirely. I know I may be going through the trial and error process for a while. This post is different from my others, it's not about hope-it's about awareness. This disease is real and it is painful.

I also fought up the courage to start counseling, which I've been doing every week for about 2 months. I just recently started opening up to my counselor and we've had a couple of breakthroughs so far. I have come to realize certain things about my past and how they've affected me today, but I haven't gotten to a point where I know how to fix things. I am a work in progress right now, but I'm doing everything I can to seek help. And for those who are struggling with any type of mental illness, I highly suggest finding a trusted counselor to talk to. Talk things out weekly. Write things down daily.

The good days are alright. The bad days are extremely hard, and seem to happen too often. I cry and I beg the pain to end.
"Why do I have to live like this?"
"I don't want to be here anymore."
"I don't deserve to be happy."

I think about these three things at least once a week, sometimes more. But I do deserve to be happy, and I want to be alive. These thoughts creep their way in and my mind can't seem to let them go on the bad days. Why do I have to live like this? I don't know. Why does anyone have to live like this? It doesn't seem fair. We are at war with our minds daily.. but maybe, just maybe.. God needs warriors like us for something bigger. I'm trying to believe in myself. I'm trying to understand what I need to learn from this experience. I am here for a reason, and so are you. I am here to fight, so fight along with me. We can beat this. We can win. WE ARE WARRIORS.

Love, Miss KatieBug <3