Trauma.

"There are wounds that never show on the body
that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds."

*Trigger warning: rape

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. My story is not a secret. It is out here for the world to read, because I don't want anyone to feel alone the way I did for so long. But.. there is always suffering beyond the story. The story is the easy part. The trauma is the part that nobody ever talks about.

Trauma: "Emotional shock following a stressful event, which may be associated with 
physical shock and sometimes leads to long-term neurosis."

Denial. For a long time, I would not let myself believe that it was anything other than sex. I didn't want to believe that something so awful really happened to me, so I made up stories in my head. I took the blame. I tried everything I could to suppress the memory.

Fear. This one was rough. I wanted to be afraid of men, but I wasn't. In my mind, I needed them to help me feel better about the situation. But I was afraid of judgment. I was afraid of being labeled a slut. I was too afraid to ever say no to someone again..

Anger. How could he? He chose a girl so innocent and loving. He took something from me that I could never get back, and I hated him for it. I hated him for having power over me. I hated him for believing he didn't do anything wrong. I hated him, because I said no and he still did what he wanted.

Shame. I was humiliated. I could not claim to be a virgin anymore. I didn't save myself for marriage, like I always thought I would. He clearly had no respect for me; and in turn, I had no respect for myself. I had nothing left to give, and I did not want to be alive anymore. 

Guilt. Maybe this really was my fault. I always trusted people too easily.  Maybe I gave him the wrong look or sent off certain vibes. Maybe I didn't say no loud enough. Maybe he thought my cry was a good sign? I may have said no, but I didn't fight back. 

Moral Injury. So now I've had sex.. and I've tried to kill myself. Do I go to church and confess my sins? Did I lose my place in heaven? A returned missionary did this to me. I couldn't bear to go back to church. In my mind, I was broken. Past the point of no return. He damaged my spirit and my faith.

These are the six main emotional responses to trauma & these were my own thoughts in the midst of each one. They are a constant cycle. Today, even 5 years later, I still have several of these thoughts. "What could I have done differently?" is my most common. I know the truth, but trauma is tricky. I was raped, and it was not my fault. I never sinned. The God I know will still welcome me into heaven with open arms. We can talk ourselves through the thoughts, but what about everything else? What about the self sabotage and panic attacks?

So, here's to being vulnerable:

Because of him, I try to control others so they can't control me. I do not know how to properly handle being told to do something. Because of him, I do not know how to trust anyone, even after they prove to me that I can. I'm afraid to be left alone with people. Because of him, I purposely ruin good things/relationships to save myself any future pain. I leave people before they can leave me. Because of him, I am afraid to say no when I am in an uncomfortable situation. I just let unwanted things happen. Because of him, the panic attacks happen just from a kiss. And that is trauma.

I am working through this. I am in sexual assault counseling & support groups. It's okay to reach out and ask for help. It's okay to talk about it. It's okay to be vulnerable. It is not okay for someone to hold so much power over you that you lose yourself. And if you don't take anything else from this post, know this: I AM NOT WHAT HAPPENED TO ME. And neither are you. You are not the assault, abuse, pain, hurt, neglect, loss, or trauma. You are love. You are magic. You are worthy. YOU are whoever you want to be.

And absolutely none of what happened to you is your fault.

Love,

Miss KatieBug <3