What I Learned From Settling

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

-Perks of Being a Wallflower

I never understood why it was so easy for girls to settle in a relationship, and then it happened to me. I was at a point in my life where I wanted love so badly. I wasn't happy with my life and I just wanted more. I always wanted more, and THAT is where everything went wrong. My friends and others that I grew up with were all getting married and having babies, and I wanted that. Everyone looked so incredibly happy and content. I wanted that.

So I took the first person who came along.

Relationships always seem perfect in the beginning. He told me that we were going to get married, so of course I didn't see anything wrong. Marriage was what I had dreamed of forever. Divorce was never an option for me, and I didn't believe in it. But maybe because I had seen divorces in my life, my ideas of love were a little different. To me, divorce was such a selfish thing. How can you fall out of love with someone? It's impossible. I thought love was simple.

Then I realized that I've never been in love.

But I learned a few things from thinking I was in love, and settling for someone who I knew the whole time was wrong for me.

Love takes time and patience.

Some people find love at first sight. Some know the person for years, and it just hits them. Some fall slowly and gradually in love. You can't just find someone and expect to love them someday if there are things you don't like about them. Nobody should have to change for you. You'll meet someone who you'll fall for even after you know all of their flaws and weaknesses. Don't stay in a relationship if you don't like the person for exactly who they are. Neither of you deserve that, because it will never work out.

Fear is NOT a reason to stay.

Just because everyone else your age is getting married, doesn't mean something is wrong with you if you don't. You will not be "forever alone". Everybody matures at a different rate. I mean, I didn't go on a date until I was a senior in high school! I didn't have my first kiss until I was 18 and I seriously thought something was wrong with me. My very first relationship lasted almost a year, and when it was over, I didn't know how to be alone anymore. My life crumbled and I was a mess. So when my husband came along, I thought he was the only one who would ever accept my past. That is why I settled.

Outsiders often notice more.

When your parents see that something is wrong, believe me, something is wrong. When your best friend tells you over and over again that you aren't happy, she is probably right. And if a friend who lives 2,000 miles away (that you've never even met) knows more about you than your significant other, is that not a huge red flag? It should be. When you are infatuated and have your mind set on someone, it's hard to listen to what others have to say. I wish I would have listened.

There is no need for self-sabotage.

NO human being deserves to be lied to, cheated on, abused, etc. I'm not saying that any of these were the case for me, but they are for so many men and women out there. Many people settle when in situations like this, because they truly believe it's what they deserve. I made a lot of mistakes in my past, so I thought I didn't deserve to be happy. Please, PLEASE do not think that way. You deserve the world. I realize that it is so much easier said than done to leave certain situations.

Self love is the most important. 

How can you expect somebody to love you if you can't even love yourself? This was my biggest struggle, for a very long time. My warped mind thought that someone else's love could be enough for the both of us. The reality is, you will never be happy in any relationship if you rely on your partner to do all of the believing, loving, and trusting. I woke up one day and I realized my potential. I realized that I am a daughter of God and he made me. He didn't design me to be sad or fail. I was causing that all on my own. I finally walked away from a bad decision because I love myself. I deserve happiness. I believe in myself and I trust myself. I am comfortable in my own skin. 

When you accept yourself just the way you are--only then, can you fully give yourself to somebody else. The fight for happily ever after is so worth it. The right person will love every ounce of you. Flaws and all.

Love, MissKatieBug <3

Weathering the Storm

“Don’t ever feel bad for making a decision about your own life that upsets other people.You are not responsible for their happiness. You’re responsible for your own happiness. Anyone who wants you to live in misery for their happiness should not be in your life to begin with.”

Sometimes people clash, and sometimes you don't realize it until it is too late. I'm very stubborn, but I suppose I've always known that. After I make up my mind, it's set. I wouldn't change anything that has happened in the last year, besides the fact that I hurt so many people along the way. So here I am admitting my faults. Why did I get married? I grew up learning that it's what you do. I guess I never realized that I could say no, and maybe at the time I didn't even want to. I was ready to move out of my parent's house and start a life. I thought marriage would fix all of my problems. I honestly thought that marriage would be all fun and games, but boy was I so wrong. Marriage is hard, especially when you don't have anything in common with the person.

I was married for 6 months. Only half a year. I can't say that I was ever truly happy at all during that short time. The blame is not his, nor is it mine. We just weren't ready for marriage, or right for each other. I often considered staying in the marriage for him and for everybody else. I was told by several people that I was being selfish for wanting to leave. One day, I came to the realization that it's never selfish to do the right thing for you and your own happiness. Part of me wanted to fix things, but I had been unhappy for far too long and I knew that he wasn't who or what I wanted in life. There was never a day where we didn't argue about something, and it's not because we were bad people. Sadly, we were just bad for each other.

On January 30th, I moved out. I am now on my own. I don't regret making the choice to get married. It helped me learn some things about myself. Most would disagree with me, but I have grown up a lot since the proposal last May. I finally walked away because I am stronger than I was before. I want what is best for me and my future. I want my future children to see true love every single day. I want the happily ever after that I've always dreamed of, because I know it exists. And that is what I want for him too. He deserves happiness and I know it wasn't with me. We didn't share the same dreams and goals for our futures. I may be selfish now, but someday everyone that this decision has affected will realize that I did the best thing for us all.

For those of you who read my blog, I want you to learn that it's definitely okay to put your happiness first when circumstances call for it. There are also moments when you need to swallow your pride and drop the selfish act. I can promise that I did not make my decision without prayer. I prayed over and over every single day to know what to do. If that isn't something you do, then trust your heart. Your heart knows what is best for you, just like your Heavenly Father knows. I appreciate all of the support through this and want to thank everyone who is in my life and hasn't judged my choices.

Love, MissKatieBug <3

"I have struggled to know how to comfort.."

   I started my day just like any other day. I woke up at 8 o'clock to go babysit. I was asked to babysit for an extra hour, and I gladly accepted. I later realized that God added that extra hour for a reason. Today, I drove a different route home than normal. While I was driving, I noticed a young homeless man with a sign. He was begging for food. Now, I've obviously never been homeless, but I've definitely had my own set of struggles. When I see someone trying to overcome or live through a struggle, it pulls at my heart strings. It always has.

   The moment I saw him, I knew what I needed to do. I immediately turned the corner and went through the Wendy's drive-thru. I wish I could describe the look on his face when I handed him that food. I looked at him and realized that he must've been around my age and I knew that he needed more than food. I wouldn't want to be outside alone on a cold, winter day in Idaho. He told me that he was headed to Wendy's to eat his food, so I headed into Walgreens. I bought him a hat, gloves, hand warmers, and chapstick. I only wish I could've done more. I met him at Wendy's, gave him his items, and sat down.

   Terry is 23 years old and has been homeless off and on for about 4 years. "It's hard to get a job with a felony charge", he said. We sat there for an hour. I learned his story and heard the struggle in his voice. Terry told me about his life and how he ended up where he is today. Even with everything he has been through, he had a happiness about him. He told me, "I do what I gotta do to survive, and things can only get better". Terry has lived under bridges, in abandoned buildings, and out in the cold. I so applaud him for being optimistic.

   I found out that he went to stand on that corner only ten minutes before I showed up. Had I left babysitting at my regular time, none of this would have happened. Had I taken my regular route, none of this would have happened. In my last post, I ended with "God does not do random". It's the truth. This proves it. God sets us on specific paths when he needs our helping hand. Today was out of my norm, but it wasn't by accident.

Love, MissKatieBug <3

15 Things I Learned in 2015

Knowledge is an amazing thing. The end of each year is a great time to look back on what you had an opportunity to learn. I learned a lot this past year. I may have failed myself and others a few times, but life has a way of working out the way it's supposed to. Both bad and good things happen, but God has a plan. For 2016, I have chosen to be on His side. I need Him to help me have a successful year. I'm going to be stronger and wiser. This will be my year.

What I learned:

• It is not selfish to do what's best for you.
• Trust your heart, because it's never wrong.
• Don't hold back your tears.
• You will meet the best people at the most unexpected times.
• Always give hugs.
• Bubble gum ice cream is the best comfort food.
• Travel. A lot!
• Even the smallest acts can change the world.
• Go out of your comfort zone.
• Spend your time with the people who make you the happiest.
• Find a job that you love.
• Your mom really is the best listener.
• Find music that will express your feelings better than you can.
• There is always someone out there going through a similar thing. You're never alone.
• Take lots of pictures, but also learn how to live in the moment.
• Bonus: God doesn't do random.

Love, MissKatieBug <3

Semicolon Project

"Sometimes the people around you won't understand your journey.
They don't need to, it's not for them."

My instagram post (11/21/15)
"I realize that some people will be mad or disappointed that I got another tattoo. But this one has a lot of meaning to me. A semicolon is used when an author could have ended a sentence, but chose not to. This tattoo represents a life that could have ended, but didn't. Mine. I've struggled, and I've fought. Now I'm standing up for this cause."

The semicolon has become very popular within the past year or two. Everyone who self harms, is suicidal, depressed, has anxiety, is unhappy, struggles with an eating disorder, etc. is supposed to draw a semicolon on their wrist on April 16. This is called the semicolon project. By doing this, people will come to realize that they are not alone. This is not to make mental illnesses popular. They are not a fashion trend. They are a daily struggle for those who suffer with them.

I don't expect everyone to understand this. This tattoo is to remind me that I am a fighter, but it is to remind others that I will stand with them. I will hug every person that I see with this tattoo and let them know that they don't have to suffer alone. The world is a hard place to live in and life is tough, but so are you! I really believe that the semicolon project will make a difference in the world, whether you draw it on or make it permanent. Change a life. Make an impact. Share your story.

Love, Miss KatieBug <3

September

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls;

the most massive characters are seared with scars."

-Kahlil Gibran

    It has been 14 months. I'm alive. I'm well. I'm stronger than ever. Suicide Awareness Day (Sept. 10) has a different meaning to me now than it did two years ago. I was always so cautious of those around me. I thought suicide was something you could see coming, but that is not always the case. Suicide isn't always scars and sadness. It is a silent cry for help in the night while you are alone so nobody can see your struggle. It's a bright smile on your face every single day so that nobody sees your pain. It's being a listening ear because you don't want anybody else feeling the way you secretly do. Sometimes suicide is an internal battle.

    Nobody saw my warning signs, and I didn't want them to. I wanted to slowly slip away for a while. A coma would have been perfect. I was lucky enough to survive and get help, most are not. Every year suicide rates get higher and higher. I wish I could tell parents to watch their children closely, but even doing that won't always make a difference. Not only is it time to be aware.. It is time to stand up and speak up. Our stories are helping others survive the horrible illnesses connecting to suicide. Depression. Anxiety. Bipolar. ADD. Eating Disorders. We don't get to choose what illnesses we have to fight through in this life, but we do get to choose whether or not we help others fight through theirs. I'm taking a stand and I'm fighting.

    My blog is not for sympathy. My blog is to inspire others to hold on to their precious life even when they think they don't have the strength or courage. I have always been a fighter, but last year I was weak and I didn't have somebody else to fight with me. It's okay to ask for help. ALWAYS remember that. I wish I would have. Please don't give up your fight. I understand how hard it is. Don't keep your battle on the inside. Let it out. Share your story, because it will strengthen both you and others. Suicide is not selfish. It's a last resort after crying out for help for too long. Please don't use your last resort. Find a saving grace.

Love,
Miss Katie Bug <3

  Dedicated to all of the amazing English teachers I had throughout school, because without you I wouldn't be here. Your classes were my escape. Writing is my escape. Reading is my escape. Thank you. You will never understand what a difference you made in my life.

WORDS.

"Words are a powerful thing. Use them for good. Use your words to love the people who need it most, and to comfort those who are hurting. Speak in a way that people will learn to love themselves. Never belittle. Be a teacher and a friend. It takes one word to break someone down and a million words to build them back up. Use your words wisely and carefully. One wrong word may change the course of a person's life. Choose to change a life for the better. Be the hero."
               -Katelyn Marie, 20 years old

We've all heard the saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." I only wish that was the truth, but sadly, it's not. We live in a society where people (young and old) are committing and attempting suicide every day. Suicide takes almost five-thousand lives each year. And one of the causes is us, our words and our actions. We may see people getting bullied at school, or on the street; yet, we do nothing. Have you ever thought about how your own thoughts affect you? We tell ourselves day after day that "we aren't good enough", or "we're not pretty", or maybe we just don't feel like we belong. That's bullying.

One day, back in middle school, I was talking to a crying girl who hated everything about herself. She was one of the smartest girls I knew, and she didn't see the potential in her life. She couldn't see beyond her own flaws. I didn't know a thing about her home life, but I knew she was struggling there as well. I sat in math class with her every day for a week and I did what I could to build her up, because I saw the pain in her eyes. I saw that she needed a friend. Later that year, I learned that she was planning on killing herself that weekend. She was still around all through high school, and I never stopped being her friend. I don't know where she is now or what she is doing with her life, but I think of her occasionally to remind myself that words can be a lifesaver.

I've always been one to put myself down, but build up everyone around me. I can't stand to see people hurting, but I'm hurting myself every day without realizing it. Many of us are. This cycle has to change. We need to stand up for ourselves. We need to stand up for others. Use your words. Use positive words. Be an inspiration. Save a life. Pray for those who need extra strength and love. If you pay close enough attention, I promise you will see which people need your support. You'll be able to hear it in their words and see it in their eyes. Please don't overlook those around you. Pay attention, and share your story.

We are our own worst enemy. It may be easy for some of us to brush off what other people say, but do we really ever brush off our own words? Of course not, because we believe them. Watching what we say to ourselves is just as essential as watching what we say to others. WE can prevent suicide. WE can make a difference. WE can be a hero. Words can hurt, but they don't have to.

Love, Miss KatieBug <3