Like a Storm

"Depression is like a storm. It starts slow,
Eating away at you slowly, then it becomes stronger,
And causes more damage. Then it stops,
And you think you're fine, that it's getting better.
Like it's safe to go outside now, and enjoy the finer things in life
Kind of like the eye of the storm. Then out of nowhere,
It hits you again, knocking you down,
Harder than before, until you're no more.
It swallows you, clogs your vision.
So then you can't see how close to ending it is.
And some don't make it, thinking that the only way
To stop the storm, is to stop themselves."

-Unknown

*trigger warning: suicidal thoughts

Journal Entry: August 14, 2018
I failed myself. I failed {all of you}, and I'm sorry. At least, that's how I feel right now. I thought I was better. I thought my depression was gone forever. But it's back, and it's worse. And I'm scared. I hate being alive most days again, but not exactly in a suicidal type of way. I don't want to hurt myself, but maybe a coma or something would suffice. I'm not opposed to getting hit by a car or something though. That's how I know I'm not safe.

I have been trying to write this blog post since that day back in August. I can only seem to get out a little at a time, because this hurts. This struggle is painful and I'm afraid of judgment. But today (Nov. 4), I will finish, so here it goes:

I've always been told that depression comes in waves, but I had never experienced it that way. Mine was terrible for years and years. I learned how to cope with the daily struggles and just accepted that I would live like that forever. Sleep my days away. Then one day, about a  year and a half ago, my depression disappeared. It was completely gone and life felt perfect. I was genuinely happy for the first time in my life, and that feeling lasted through the seasons. Not even winter depression showed up. I thought I was "cured". But sadly, the storm found it's way back to me.

The very first sign of my depression coming back (which started about mid-July) was anger. I'm not typically an angry person, but I was livid all the time at everybody. I was so confused and I honestly could not understand what was wrong with me. I was hurting myself and I was hurting those around me. I lost all of my patience. Every situation became too stressful and I couldn't cope. Because of this severe anger, I had to quit one of my jobs in fear that I would lash out and cause physical harm to somebody. I'm afraid of myself.

At the beginning of August, I went to my doctor and requested to be put back on antidepressants. If you've kept up with my blog, you know that I was medication free for over a year. It was hard to accept the medication again, and I was humiliated. I cried, a lot. But I need them for now. I've been taking them for 90 days, and they haven't helped entirely. I know I may be going through the trial and error process for a while. This post is different from my others, it's not about hope-it's about awareness. This disease is real and it is painful.

I also fought up the courage to start counseling, which I've been doing every week for about 2 months. I just recently started opening up to my counselor and we've had a couple of breakthroughs so far. I have come to realize certain things about my past and how they've affected me today, but I haven't gotten to a point where I know how to fix things. I am a work in progress right now, but I'm doing everything I can to seek help. And for those who are struggling with any type of mental illness, I highly suggest finding a trusted counselor to talk to. Talk things out weekly. Write things down daily.

The good days are alright. The bad days are extremely hard, and seem to happen too often. I cry and I beg the pain to end.
"Why do I have to live like this?"
"I don't want to be here anymore."
"I don't deserve to be happy."

I think about these three things at least once a week, sometimes more. But I do deserve to be happy, and I want to be alive. These thoughts creep their way in and my mind can't seem to let them go on the bad days. Why do I have to live like this? I don't know. Why does anyone have to live like this? It doesn't seem fair. We are at war with our minds daily.. but maybe, just maybe.. God needs warriors like us for something bigger. I'm trying to believe in myself. I'm trying to understand what I need to learn from this experience. I am here for a reason, and so are you. I am here to fight, so fight along with me. We can beat this. We can win. WE ARE WARRIORS.

Love, Miss KatieBug <3

Learning to Love

"The most exciting, challenging, and significant
relationship of all is the one you have with yourself.
And if you can find someone to love the you
that you love, well, that's just fabulous."
-Carrie Bradshaw

I tried really hard to have this post out for Valentine's Day, but I'm going to be honest with you.. I know I make it seem like my life is always good these days. Let me tell you something though, I still struggle. The whole month of February was a struggle. I didn't want to go out. I didn't want to work or see people. I just wanted to relax and sleep. I don't even remember the last time I had a depressive episode like that. I beat myself up sometimes because I feel like a failure. A failure for all of the times I've loved and lost. For all of the times people have left and I've blamed myself. The month of February is for love, but how can I write about that when I don't know if I've ever really known love? 

Here's the thing, I may not know how it feels to be truly loved by someone else or to know how it feels to truly love another, but I do a damn good job at loving myself most days. So let me try writing this again.

In honor of Valentine's Day being, well, a month ago - let's talk about love. I don't mean the sappy, Nicholas Sparks movie kind of love (which is my favorite btw). I mean, the most important kind of love, self love. Most of us are so worried about finding love that we forget to show love to ourselves. Even when we're in relationships, we believe that only our partner's love is enough, but it isn't. We have to love us too! This topic is such an important one to me. Maybe because I remember a time when I didn't know how to love myself, and I never thought that I'd be able to. I used to believe that I'd find the love of my life someday and I would have everything I ever wanted and finally be happy. I didn't understand that it was possible for me to be happy on my own. And because of those toxic thoughts, I felt like I was dying a little inside every time I went through a break up. 

For the past year or so, I've really put my focus on loving myself. I've learned how to let go of people who aren't right for me. I've learned how to turn to God when things get hard, instead of wallowing in self pity. I've learned how to give myself a break when needed and teach myself healthy coping techniques. I've learned how to be in tune with my mind and body. I know what I need and when I need it. So I'm sitting here tonight and I can honestly tell you that I love everything about myself. Some days I may not like myself, but I always love me. I want you to love yourself too, even on the days that you don't like yourself very much. Here are a few steps that I took to improve myself, which in turn, taught me a lot about how to love myself. I hope you will try them, and I hope they will make a difference. 

• Positive Affirmations. Write them down, and say them out loud. You may not believe them at first, but you will start to the more you repeat them. Add details. Make your words mean something, and trust them.

"I am a radiant, confident, and inspirational Daughter of God-

that serves with joy, listens intently, and wholeheartedly loves

others and myself because I am worth it." 

• Remove, Block, Delete. Please do this! It's totally okay and super healthy to remove toxic people from your life, and/or delete them on social media. If they are filled with negative words, posts, and thoughts - bye bye!
• Ground Yourself. Do this daily. It helps you stay in a more calm and positive state of mind throughout the day. This one is hard to explain, so you might need to go look it up..
• Believe in Something. Believing in something makes it easier to believe in yourself. Find your thing. Whatever gives you a little extra strength. I, personally, pray to God for peace because He believes in me the same way I believe in Him.
• Find Hope. It's hard to live this life if you aren't hopeful. To me, hope is in every sunrise that starts a brand new day, and in every sunset that ends my tough days.
• Give Yourself a Break. If you can't handle life at the moment, take a day off of work/school. Remove yourself from a rough situation. Practice self care.
• Self Care. So important! *My personal favs and go-to's
• Read a self-help book.
• Free write in a journal*
• Do some yoga.
• Talk to a friend or a therapist.
• Buy flowers for yourself.
• Take yourself on a date*
• Bake cookies.
• Take a bubble bath*
• Plan a vacation.
• Shut off your phone.
• Solo dance party!*
• Watch your favorite movie.
• Declutter.
• Stargaze*
• Go get a massage.
• Dress up and go out*
• Practice deep breathing.
• Give yourself a pep talk in the mirror.
• Forgive. Forgive everyone who has wronged you, even if they aren't sorry. Forgive those who have hurt your family and your friends. Forgive yourself for the hell you've put others through, even if you meant whatever you did at the time. Forgive yourself for the hell you've put your own mind and body through. Just forgive.
• Choose Yourself. Just like one of my previous posts. Sometimes it's perfectly fine and needed to put yourself before others. Be selfish, when your mind and body call for it. Choose yourself. Love yourself. 

Loving yourself won't happen overnight. It may take months or years. It may take the help of others so you can see your own worth. It may take a lot of things. But when you learn to love yourself, everything else just kind of falls into place the way it's supposed to. Life becomes a little bit brighter and easier. I hope you find that love in every single part of you.

Love, Miss KatieBug <3

A Harsh Reality

Journal Entry: January 13, 2018

"I'm sick and tired of guys telling me that I deserve better than them, but they're never willing to treat me better. Why aren't I worth the effort? They say I'm such a good person, but they are never good to me. They leave me feeling like I'm not good enough. But I know I'm good enough and it's not fair for them to make me think otherwise. I deserve so much better than half-ass 'relationships' that never turn into anything. Women should not feel like less of a person because of the way guys treat us, but it's something we seem to deal with everyday"

-Katelyn Marie, age 23

*Trigger warning: rape
     If any of you women, and even men, haven't yet watched Halsey's speech from the Women's March, I highly suggest watching it. She explains the truths behind what all women go through. Rape, harassment, unplanned pregnancy, miscarriage. We need men to know. We need to raise awareness, and stop the inappropriate behavior. We need more women to speak up and prove that we are not treated right. Men assume that they are superior and that women will do whatever they ask of us.. this has to stop. They do NOT and should not have power over us. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKddxONWn78

     Because of Halsey, I have decided to put more of my story on here. Some parts are painful. Some parts have been left unspoken until this moment. Part of me is scared to write this, but I've always believed in putting my story out in the world. Telling our stories help others heal, learn, and understand. I am raising awareness.
      I never went on dates in high school. My first kiss was right before I turned 18 years old. My best friend was raped in junior high. My sisters had been heartbroken before. I didn't want to be a part of that, so I steered clear. And honestly, I wouldn't have been able to cope with heart break at that age. My depression was already too much for me to handle. So as a young girl, I was never personally around any kind of sexual harassment. It wasn't as common to read about it back then either. I'm not sure I really believed it existed. I lived in my own little world and I didn't want to know what bad things were happening around me.
     After I graduated, I started to notice the change. Maybe it had to do with being out in the real world.. I'm not sure. All of the sudden, guys were asking for dirty pictures, and would send them without warning. I was 19 the first time a guy, who wasn't my boyfriend, smacked my butt. I was 19 the first time I got "felt up" without giving permission. I was 19 when I remember starting to get cat called. I was 19 when I got raped. Rape: 'unlawful sexual activity and usually sexual intercourse carried out forcibly or under threat of injury against the will of another person'. Rape.. I hate that word. 1 in 6 women are the victim of an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime. How gut wrenching and disgusting is that statistic. Most women stay silent. Most women have both physical and emotional scars that nobody notices. I will not be silent. I have emotional scars that I can't always hide. Because of him, I have break downs and flash backs when I'm in relationships now. Sometimes, I still hurt.
     A week after my rape, I was home alone and I let a guy come over to watch movies. I didn't know him very well, but my friend and I had hung out with him before. We started kissing and he took my pants off. I was still trying to cope with what happened the week prior. I was too afraid to say no a second time, so I didn't. I just laid there. I let him do what he wanted and then he went home. Before he left, he asked me if I was on birth control then got angry at my answer. I wasn't using any kind of protection, because I wasn't sexually active. I had just been raped.. again. Twice in one week. But I wouldn't let myself believe it. I told myself it was all my fault because I didn't try fighting them. I just laid there. I had never even been touched before they came along. I didn't want to be.
     Both unprotected. I took about 6 pregnancy tests within those next couple weeks. Everything in me was telling me that I was pregnant. I was sick. I was tired. I was terrified. I planned out exactly how I would save up my money for the next 9 months. Each test came back negative, but I never believed them. Then my period didn't come, and when it did, it could have easily been a miscarriage. Or maybe it was just different because of the trauma. I'll never know.
     A year and a half after that incident happened, I found myself married to a man who I thought could protect me. I thought I was safe with him. He never physically hurt me, but he put my feelings aside and mentally abused me until I couldn't take anymore. He didn't want love.. He wanted a woman to take care of his every need. I was working 60+ hour work weeks to pay the bills. He expected me to cook dinner at 10pm every night when I got home. I had to do all of his laundry. I had to make the bed and clean the apartment. I had to do the grocery shopping. I had to do everything a wife is "supposed" to do, and I just didn't have the time. So, to him, I was never good enough. I was never enough to make him happy.
     I went on vacation without him that winter. I noticed that I was the happiest I had been that whole year. I also noticed how, when people asked about my marriage, I had more negative than positive things to say. It broke my heart. I failed, because I knew divorce was my only option at that point. But I knew I deserved better. I got home on New Years Eve and I was ready to discuss my plan with him. He said to me, "because you think you're leaving me, and because it's a holiday, you owe me". He was talking about sex, of course. I didn't feel like I had a choice. So I did what he asked of me. Why? Because I was his wife, and I really believed that I owed it to him. I moved out three weeks later. After that, he would text me and blame his drinking and inappropriate behavior on me.
     Are good men really so hard to find these days? I have dated 4 guys since my divorce. I don't mean like one single date. I mean, they were guys I was seeing almost every day for months. Guys I was falling for and giving my heart to. Each of them proved that they liked me and each of them put in a lot of effort, but none of them wanted to be in a real relationship. Men know how to get what they want. They all made me feel special, and they all made me believe there would be a future with them. I have proved time and time again that I will do everything I can to make people happy. I give so much of my time and effort because I believe that people deserve it. But men know exactly how to use and abuse. Some men think they can walk all over women. They treat us like we're dirt. And do you know what? We let them. We let them hurt us and leave us heartbroken.
     We don't have to let them. I hope we, as women, understand what we really deserve. We deserve respect and love. We deserve so much more than half-ass relationships and such little effort. We are powerful and we are full of beauty and love. We should be able to say no, without fear. We should be confident and be able to walk away from the kind of men who just want us to fill the spaces in their lonely lives. We need to put a stop to the way we're being treated. Nobody else can stop it for us. We need to be bold, brave, and strong. We need to show ourselves respect. We are women. Let us prove that we are unstoppable.

Love, Miss KatieBug <3

Another Year Wiser?

"I love getting older. My understanding deepens.

I can see what connects. I can weave stories of 

experience and apply them. I can integrate the lessons.

Things simply become more and more fascinating.

Beauty reveals itself in thousands of forms."

-Victoria Erickson

I just turned another year older, but does that make me wiser as well? I'm 23 now and I'm not where I thought I would be, but I know I'm where I'm supposed to be. I also think that I am more myself than I've ever been. I decided to write down the things I've learned this year, so here it goes. 22 things I learned in my 22nd year of life:

1. Makeup doesn't measure your worth or beauty. Learn to be comfortable in your own skin - you shouldn't have to use makeup as a security.

2. Everyone has a story and a past. Everyone acts the way they do for a reason. The best thing we can do is love people, for everything they are and everything they aren't.

3. Don't ever accept anything less than what you deserve. (I'm still trying to learn this one)

4. Singing does wonders for the soul. So sing your heart out. Sing in the shower. Sing in the car. Sing karaoke every chance you get.. even if you're terrible. Just sing.

5. You have to test your limits and take a step outside of your comfort zone once a week. How else will you know how brave you can be?

6. The best thing you can do for someone is lend a helping hand and/or a listening ear.

7. It's nearly impossible to be sad while eating ice cream. So eat ice cream every chance you get. Seriously. If you get fat, at least you'll be fat and happy, right?

8. It's okay to do something for yourself that nobody else understands.

9. We need to spend time with little kids. Children teach us much more about love and compassion than we'll ever be able to teach them.

10. Crying is okay, especially in front of someone else. It may be healing for both of you. 

11. Take the time to go on long night drives. They'll give you the best alone time that you never knew you needed.

12. You can still choose to be happy & positive even when everyone around you is crabby & negative. Sometimes it's hard, but it is possible.

13. Hug people until they let go first. They usually need that hug more than you think they do.

14. It is so important to spend time outside under the stars. They were created by the same God who created us.

15. You will only hurt yourself if you waste time hating someone. It is okay to take some time to hate what they did, but also forgive and don't let it define them.

16. Always have money set aside for vacations or spontaneous trips. Sometimes we need to take a break and explore.

17. Life isn't always fair, and it's not supposed to be. But just because it isn't fair, doesn't mean it's not a good life.

18. It's okay to be the only person who believes in the impossible.

19. Choose to spend time with the people who believe in you and who love the things you have a hard time liking about yourself.

20. Comparing yourself to others will either make you feel superior or inferior. Everyone was made to be equal.

21. There is more good than bad in the world, you just have to look for it.

22. Now is the best time to do something new. Later may not always be a possibility. 

I may not be who I thought I was going to be, but I like who I am and who I'm becoming. I'm so grateful that I survived another year, so I'll just keep living and learning as long as God allows me to.

Love, Miss KatieBug <3

Love During Tragedy

1999: Columbine, 12 killed.

2007: Virginia Tech, 32 killed.

2012: Aurora, 12 killed.

2012: Sandy Hook, 27 killed.

2016: Pulse Nightclub, 49 killed.

2017: Route 91 Festival, 59+ killed.

Las Vegas was not the first mass shooting of my lifetime, and sadly, I'm sure it won't be the last either. My thoughts and prayers go out to everyone involved in such terrible tragedies. I've been trying to write this post for a couple days now, but my heart is so broken and I can't help but cry when I think about it. I don't want to take away from the grief and pain people are feeling. I don't want or mean to offend anyone with this post, but I feel like there are some things I should say about this matter. Some will agree with me, some won't, and that's okay. Here is what I believe:

[To start off, my whole blog is centered around mental illness and suicide awareness. I've been through it and I've spent a lot of time learning about it. It hits close to home for me and I'd love to make more people aware. I realize that some people will never truly understand depression, anxiety, and/or any other kind of chemical imbalance in the brain. But I'm asking you to hear me out and bear with me on this next part.]

#1. Terrorism is defined as "the use of violence or threat of violence in the pursuit of political aims, religious, or ideological change. It can only be committed by non-state actors or undercover personnel serving on the behalf of their respective governments." So was it really a terrorist attack? I don't believe it was. It was a personal problem inside of himself. Why he felt like he needed to kill so many innocent people before taking his own life.. we'll never know the answer. But I do know one thing. No person in their right mind would ever go on a killing spree. I have heard several people explain the unfairness of how whites always get let off for mental illness; whereas, anyone of another race is accused of terrorism. Truthfully, it all stems from the brain. No normal, happy person will kill innocent people. Put race, gender, religion, etc. aside for once. It is all mental illness in the case of taking lives. Supposedly the ones we call "terrorists" grow up learning that they'll make it to the highest level of heaven by killing themselves, along with others, for government or religious reasons. Is that not a mental illness? They grow up learning it, which is changing the way their brain is programmed. It is causing a chemical imbalance to the point of them not being able to understand right from wrong. Terrorism or not, every attack can be linked back to some kind of illness or imbalance in the brain.

#2. This is not a gun control problem. I wish I could post those words everywhere and explain it in a way that will make sense to people. If someone wants a gun, illegal or not, they will find a way to get a gun. If someone wants to kill people, they will also find a way to do so. Guns don't kill people; people kill people. Auto weapons are already illegal, but the gunman used one anyway. Mexico has strict gun control, but their murder rate is 5 times higher than the U.S. Thousands of people died on September 11, 2001, but not a single gun was used. So please, someone explain how gun control will help the situation. It's a hate problem. Hate for the country. Hate for the president. Hate for each other and sometimes ourselves.

#3. So many people out there believe that there isn't a God because He "let's things like this happen". First of all, God doesn't make our decisions for us. Could God have stopped the attack if He wanted to? Sure He could have. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason though and I think awful things like this bring the nation closer. Every time a tragedy happens, whether it be a terrorist attack like 9/11 or a mass shooting, we all learn to love a little harder. We realize that there are good people in the world. We stand together and fight for the things we believe in. We grow closer to our families and we learn to say the important things because we never know when the words we say will be our last to someone. It's terrible that we need bad things to teach us this, but maybe for now it's our only way of learning. Things happen in the blink of an eye, and I think we understand life better after a tragedy happens. Prayers are answered, so let's pray for healing and peace. Pray for the families of the ones who lost their lives. Pray for every first responder and person who put their life on the line to save others. Pray for the family of the gunman. They're confused and hurting just like everyone else.

#4. There is more good than bad in the world. One coward stood at his hotel room window to shoot into a large crowd of people for no reason. Several people stood in that crowd sacrificing their lives and using their own body to shield and protect strangers. Hundreds of people lined up, no questions asked, to donate blood and save lives. Thousands of people cried, prayed, and donated money to the many GoFundMe accounts that were created for the victims. So let's honor the people who have lost their lives by living a little better and loving a little more with every breath we take. We don't know when we'll take our last.

I know that this post is very sensitive and controversial. Many people will disagree with it. I just felt like I needed to speak up and try helping others understand some of the important topics, even if it's just my own opinion. My heart truly goes out to everyone who lost a friend or loved one in any of the past tragedies of this world. Sometimes bad things happen to good people, usually the best people. Hold onto the memories and don't let the bad things make you bitter. Resentment will only hurt you, so choose love and kindness to make you stronger. We all have different battles to fight and demons to face. "But I say to you who hear: love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, and pray for those who spitefully use you... And just as you want men to do to you, you also do to them likewise." -Luke 6:27

I love and pray for you all.
Love, Miss KatieBug <3

To Hit Rock Bottom

"...You might have hit rock bottom, but it's the perfect place to start,
Where the only thing that you can hear is the beating of your heart,
You have to almost lose it to remember what you've had,
And that there's been a share of good times mixed in between the bad,
So don't wait for the ending until your last breath starts to leave,
Before you finally remember how much you like to breathe."
-e.h.

It's suicide awareness month again. This year, it wasn't me. It was my beautiful little sister. The warning signs were everywhere and we all saw them. She had never been to the doctor for it. She never tried medication. She silently struggled every day, alone in her room. The depression was there. The anxiety was there. We didn't need a doctor to tell us that, because we could see it. But you can't help someone who isn't ready to be helped. Sometimes, you just have to let them hit rock bottom. In April of this year, my sister hit her rock bottom. She hit the point of hopelessness that she didn't think she could recover from. Nobody saw it coming--not that soon anyway. Alone in her room, late at night, my little sister swallowed more than a handful of pills. Which is a lot, especially for a tiny 98 pound girl.

    "It was such a quick decision. I didn't even really think what I was about to do. What everyone who loved me would do if I was gone. I never thought about any of that. The only thing I was thinking was 'everything here is too hard for me and I can't be here anymore'. It was so hard feeling like the weight of the world was on my shoulders and I just wanted all of it to be gone. I felt like I was a burden for just being here and that was so hard on me. As soon as I did it, I realized it was something that I didn't want. I want to be here, I just needed help."

If it wasn't for her friends, my sister wouldn't be here today. She called one of them and he knew something was wrong, so he drove straight there and took her to the emergency room. At that point, she was almost completely incoherent. I'll never forget the messages I was receiving from my 13 year old sister after she found out what our other sister had done. She called me crying, but I live an hour away and I was at work. I thought I was never going to see my sister again. We were all terrified.

     "I never knew how many people actually cared for me until I had people coming into my hospital room and just crying to me about what I had done. It's something that I will never do again because once I did it I realized how much I really did want to be here. It takes time to get better and you just have to be patient about it and push yourself to get better."

She had to drink charcoal to absorb the meds, just like I did. But she was in the hospital for a few days so the doctors could observe the tylenol levels in her system. I don't think she ever spent a minute alone in there. Family was by her side the whole time. Once she was released, she was admitted into BHC. Same as me three years ago. And I knew it was the best place for her, even though she fought it. She was in there for about 5 days.

     "At the time, BHC seemed like the worst idea and I did not want to go at all. When I look back on it, I realize that I learned a lot of coping skills and how many other people are going through the same thing as I am. Sometimes you feel absolutely alone and it's so terrifying."

Today, she is okay. She still struggles each day but she's slowly getting better. She has a counselor now. She is on medication. She decided that online school was the best option for her. She was even able to get an emotional support animal. 

     "I deserve to be here, and I'm glad I'm still here. It was something that was so hard for me and something that I'll never do again. I will never forget that day and how scared I was."

Depression doesn't care how old or how young you are. It doesn't care if you are pretty, skinny, or smart. It's a darkness of the mind that feeds off of the smallest insecurities. Depression is one of the worst illnesses, because it can't be seen on the outside. Sometimes suicide feels like the only option, but there is help and there is hope. You are not alone. Once you've hit rock bottom, there is only one direction to go. And that's up. Rock bottom is just the beginning, so let it make you stronger. Don't let that darkness win. You deserve to be here. 

Love, Miss KatieBug <3

Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1 (800) 273-8255

*Dear Lacey May, you deserve to be here. You are not and never have been a burden. I'm so sorry that depression chose such a sweet girl to fight against. You are needed and wanted. You are so beautiful and I'm grateful that God sent you here to be my sister. Don't ever think you are broken. Pray for strength and courage on the hard days. And always remember that I've been where you are at. I'm here for you, no matter what. I love you more than anything.

Choose Yourself

"Happiness is a choice, not a result. Nothing will make you
happy until you choose to be happy. No person will make
you happy unless you decide to be happy. Your happiness
will not come to you. It can only come from you."

Who made you feel unworthy of being happy?

Who planted in your mind that you're unlovable?

They are wrong.

We are all born so tiny and innocent. We come into this world untouched, without ever knowing pain, unhappiness, or heartbreak. And eventually the world turns us into people we don't even recognize. It turns us against ourselves and each other. I think we're all just living the best we can, but we constantly search for affection and approval--which is just human nature. We come here with so much worth, but we tend to forget it along the way, and we seek it from others. So let me ask you a question..

What if the only approval you really need is your own? Honest answer: It is.

When we depend on the opinions of others, we lose our power. We lose the ability to see ourselves how God sees us. It makes it easier for us to forget how to be happy. We look for love because we want someone else to tell us how amazing and beautiful we are. We seem to stop believing all of the good qualities about ourselves, which means we need another person to believe them for us. But what happens when that person isn't in your life anymore? You fall apart. You blame everything on yourself and you let them hold power over you. 

"I'm not good enough for anybody." 

"I'm too fat, ugly, sensitive, annoying, etc."

"I'm broken."

You're none of these things. 

You're more than good enough. God made you, and I don't recall Him ever making a mistake. Maybe you don't look like that model in the magazine you are reading every day. You're not supposed to. Maybe you feel things so deeply that you cry more than the average person. That is okay. And you are never broken. It took me a long time to learn that one. Society uses that word too often. Broken minds, broken bones, broken hearts, broken homes, broken promises. No wonder we use it to describe ourselves too. Let me say it again though, you are not broken. You may be hurting, but you are alive and you're healing.

How would it feel to choose yourself? Stop caring what everybody else thinks, and learn to love every part of you. Start with the things you already know you like about yourself and go from there. It may only be 1 or 2 things for some of you. The more you focus on those little things, the more you'll start to see the big things. You can train your mind to see yourself differently, and when that happens, you'll be happier. You won't seek out happiness and love anymore because you'll have it inside you. So what if someone leaves your life? It's not your loss. So what if someone cancels plans or stands you up? Dress up and take yourself out--You deserve it. So what if the adversary, or satan, is against you every day? You don't have to fight him.. He already lost. 

It's you against you in this world. Choose to love yourself. Choose to be happy. Choose to depend on you. You'll win every time.

Love, Miss KatieBug <3