365 Days of Gratitude

"Our desire to serve others is magnified by our gratitude for 

what the Savior has done for us."

-Henry B. Eyring

Every year, when November hits, we all start to serve a little more. We all start to appreciate what we have and give to those who don't have as much. We start to see people differently and we understand that we are all the same, no matter where we are at in life or in this world. I never understood why we are not like this year-round, but I realized something this month. It all comes back to gratitude. We think too much of ourselves during the year, but we grow up learning that the holidays are a time to be grateful, so we finally turn away from ourselves. We turn to those who need us most.

I took more time to be grateful this year and find the opportunities to serve. Sometimes all someone needs is a listening ear, a small helping hand, or just a pick-me-up. As I made cookies for my neighbors, donated to shelters, bought food for the homeless, and helped the people of Rocky Point, Mexico, I learned something. The people who have less in this world, have so much more to be grateful for. Crazy how that works, right? They are humble, and they see every little thing as a blessing. This year I didn't do the gratitude challenge on facebook like everybody else. It is always the same. "I'm grateful for my family, my friends, the gospel, etc." And I am, but I'm grateful for so much more than that. I'm grateful for all of the little things that I can't even begin to explain or understand. Just because I'm not posting my blessings everywhere, doesn't mean I don't have them. They are all around me, and I'm learning to find them in every aspect of my life. I'm grateful for a lot more this year than I ever have been before.

Like loneliness, because without it, I would never feel the joy of being around people.

Heartbreak, because when I love someone with everything I have and they leave, it's not my loss--it's theirs. And someday, I'll find my perfect person.

Depression, because I've become more sensitive to how others are feeling and how to help them through something.

Sleepless nights, because sometimes I need that extra time to heal and learn about life.

Hunger pains, because there are people in the world who don't know when their next meal will be, and mine isn't far away.

Family, because even though my parents aren't together, I still have both parents, and not everybody can say that. I have double the parents, plus the greatest 13 siblings I could ever ask for, and I can't take that for granted.

Transportation, a place to live, clean water, electricity, a good job, medicine, hospitals (even the bills that come with it), friendships, my Savior and His atonement. I'm grateful for the little things and the big things, both good and bad. I'm grateful to be healthy and alive. I'm so grateful for the trials that were thrown my way this year, because without them, I wouldn't be who or where I am today. And today, I'm grateful for the person I've become.

Love, Miss KatieBug <3

All Fears Aside

Journal entry: October 23, 2016
"We're living in a world where women are shamed for everything they do, wrong or right. Where men are to be feared because far too many think that rape and sexual assault is a joke. Where children are living in fear of stepping foot outside of their homes. Cops are being killed left and right, only "black lives matter", the government is more corrupt than ever, and we are to just stand by and watch." -Katelyn Marie

Sometimes I get thoughts in my head that I have to write down because I know it will be for one of two things. Either I'll need to remember it to help me get through something, or I'll need to post it for other people to get through something. That journal entry may not help anything, but I feel like it needed to be said after watching the presidential race. Today, the nation woke up angry and in fear of what's to come. The world continues to get worse, but now is not the time to divide and fall apart. We knew this was coming. There would have been hurt feelings and upset people no matter who would have won. We spent so much time judging the candidates that we started judging each other. Where is the compassion and humility? We are all human, and we should all be in this together despite the outcome.

We have known no greater love and compassion than that of our Savior, especially during times of need. Every election was hard, not just this one. Both candidates had flaws and everyone chose who they thought would be best. Not just as a religion, but as a nation, we prayed. We prayed and prayed to make the right decision for this country and for our families. It really does not matter who won, because ultimately we know who is really in charge. Our Heavenly Father and our Savior have never given up on us, and they aren't going to now either. We must be supportive and show respect. All we can really do is continue on with our lives and hope for the best.

Elder Bruce D. Porter said, "We need not fear the future, nor falter in hope and good cheer, because God is with us... When our only desire is to please Him, we will be blessed with a deep inner peace."

How true that statement is. We knew this life would be hard, and we chose to come anyway. As the Last Days draw ever nearer, we must let go of fear and trust in the One who really matters. We must give our new president a chance and believe in him. We must love our neighbors and stand with them. White, Black, Hispanic, Muslim, Latino, man, woman, gay, straight, transgender. Our race, gender, and/or orientation shouldn't matter. We all just want to be accepted and loved. We don't have to stand by and watch. The little things really are the big things. If we each start by making a difference in our own lives and neighborhoods, just imagine the outcome. Thank you for reading my blog, and for never judging my opinion. I love you all and I wish the best to everyone and their families during this tough time.

Love, Miss KatieBug <3

2 Years Untold

"Don't let this world make you bitter. Don't let the actions of other people turn you cold on the inside. Certain things happen that hurt us, people come that leave us, and most of all there are moments when you're bound to fall. Don't let those things make you unkind."

-Unknown

It has been 2 years and I'm doing okay.

Two years since I forgot how to trust.
Two years since I lost my innocence.
Two years since I attempted suicide.
Two years since I felt everything and nothing.

I remember walking into his house feeling safe. He made me feel comfortable. He was a returned missionary. His parents were home. But it was a big house, and being a missionary doesn't mean you are a good person. He was a bodybuilder. I only weighed 100 pounds. Other than saying no, what else could I have done? I was too small to fight back. I was too weak, and I knew he was strong. All I could do was lay there and cry while he did what he wanted.

I've done my research to learn that 1 in 6 girls/women are raped sometime in their life. ONE IN EVERY SIX. That's terrifying. And it's so common, that people push it aside like it's no big deal when we open up about it.

"Rape victims are liars."
"She's just saying that to get attention."
"Don't feel bad for her, it was probably her own fault."

These are sentences that I have heard others say. Rape victims live in fear. They are scared to meet new people. They are scared to walk alone in the dark. They are scared of men, in general. I am not telling you about my scariest moment to "get attention". I'm telling you my story to help myself and others heal.

"Maybe you should stop dressing like a slut."
"You shouldn't have led him on."
"If you weren't such a whore, that wouldn't happen."

These are things that people said to me personally. People that I loved and trusted. Nobody believed me. According to everybody else, it was my fault, and I started to believe that. I went to his house in sweats and a t-shirt. Nothing revealing. The most I had ever done was kiss a guy, and he knew that. How was it my fault?

I wracked my brain trying to understand what I did wrong. I was so innocent though, and I guess he was attracted to that. But he stole that from me. He took everything from me and it was just too much for me to handle. So now you know why I attempted suicide. Now you know why I hit a downward spiral.

A couple weeks later, I ended up in counseling. I told her everything, and I never cried. But it has been two years, and I'm stronger. I've let myself breakdown about it. I've learned that it was not, at all, my fault. I know how to trust people again. And most importantly, I'm raising awareness. Rape is not the victim's fault, ever.

I will always be affected by what happened to me that day. It changed the way I see others. It changed my outlook on the world, because I always chose to see the good. It changed how I will raise my children, and how I will protect them. It changed how careful I am about the situations I'm in. It changed me.

Two years ago I gave up on myself and everyone else. But today, I'm okay.

Love, MissKatieBug <3

Humble & Kind

"You have not lived today until you have done something

for someone who can never repay you."

-John Bunyan

    Let me tell you something, it is not fun to ride 12 hours in a motor home with ten people and no air conditioning--especially in 110 degree weather. The odds are that there will be at least one person who will get on everybody's nerves, one person who will complain about being sick, one person who will snap and yell for no reason, and everybody will be sweating on everybody. I know this to be true considering I have been down to Rocky Point, Mexico four times in the last year, three of the trips being without A/C. It's miserable. But it's also rewarding. I do not regret a single trip. I have never gone back home and wished I didn't go. 

    This trip was a lot different than the others. On the previous trips, we stayed pretty busy and always had a job to do. This time we had too many hands and not enough jobs, so I watched. I definitely worked too, but I watched. I saw the difference we were making in the lives of people who would never be able to return the favor. I saw the humility in the eyes of everyone in that community. They had very little to live on, yet there were huge resorts only miles away from the poverty. It's hard to see, but it is also amazing and eye-opening. They are genuinely happy people. I've learned that, in places like that, most people work sun up to sun down and only make five dollars a day.. but they're happy. They live in "huts" and they are barely surviving, but they're happy.

Can you imagine what the world would be like if we all lived with little to nothing? 

It would be a better place. We would be humble and full of innocence. We would be strong and our wealth would be our family, not money. There would be a lot more peace and caring.

Sadly, most of us have grown up with everything we need and a lot that we ask for. It's not necessarily a bad thing, until we start to look down on those who have less. I'm not perfect, and a lot of times I'm pretty selfish too. But who isn't? I went on my first humanitarian trip about 4 years ago and it really affected the way I see others. We really are all equal whether we believe it or not. We just live differently. We all have the potential to become great. If you want to be a doctor or a lawyer, go for it! If you want to be a stay at home mom, that's just as awesome. Good for you! 

True kindness is hard to find these days, but that's because the media only shows the negative. Bring the positive back into this world. We need it! If you have the opportunity to go out and serve, please do that. You'd be amazed at how many people are willing to put other's needs before their own. The world is not evil.. we just make it out to be that way. My trips to Mexico give me hope. I go there and see hundreds of kids and adults serve people who deserve so much more than we can ever do for them. The people of Rocky Point, Mexico may think I'm impacting their lives, but believe me, they are impacting mine so much stronger. They will never see the difference they have made in me. They'll never see that they humble me because of the way they live and the gratitude they have.

If I could leave you with any advice, it would be to start seeing people the way God does. He doesn't judge, and He never will. He knows that none of us are perfect, and we can only try our best. And that is the greatest gift we have been given. 

Love, MissKatieBug <3

Humble & Kind by Tim McGraw

What I Learned From Settling

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

-Perks of Being a Wallflower

I never understood why it was so easy for girls to settle in a relationship, and then it happened to me. I was at a point in my life where I wanted love so badly. I wasn't happy with my life and I just wanted more. I always wanted more, and THAT is where everything went wrong. My friends and others that I grew up with were all getting married and having babies, and I wanted that. Everyone looked so incredibly happy and content. I wanted that.

So I took the first person who came along.

Relationships always seem perfect in the beginning. He told me that we were going to get married, so of course I didn't see anything wrong. Marriage was what I had dreamed of forever. Divorce was never an option for me, and I didn't believe in it. But maybe because I had seen divorces in my life, my ideas of love were a little different. To me, divorce was such a selfish thing. How can you fall out of love with someone? It's impossible. I thought love was simple.

Then I realized that I've never been in love.

But I learned a few things from thinking I was in love, and settling for someone who I knew the whole time was wrong for me.

Love takes time and patience.

Some people find love at first sight. Some know the person for years, and it just hits them. Some fall slowly and gradually in love. You can't just find someone and expect to love them someday if there are things you don't like about them. Nobody should have to change for you. You'll meet someone who you'll fall for even after you know all of their flaws and weaknesses. Don't stay in a relationship if you don't like the person for exactly who they are. Neither of you deserve that, because it will never work out.

Fear is NOT a reason to stay.

Just because everyone else your age is getting married, doesn't mean something is wrong with you if you don't. You will not be "forever alone". Everybody matures at a different rate. I mean, I didn't go on a date until I was a senior in high school! I didn't have my first kiss until I was 18 and I seriously thought something was wrong with me. My very first relationship lasted almost a year, and when it was over, I didn't know how to be alone anymore. My life crumbled and I was a mess. So when my husband came along, I thought he was the only one who would ever accept my past. That is why I settled.

Outsiders often notice more.

When your parents see that something is wrong, believe me, something is wrong. When your best friend tells you over and over again that you aren't happy, she is probably right. And if a friend who lives 2,000 miles away (that you've never even met) knows more about you than your significant other, is that not a huge red flag? It should be. When you are infatuated and have your mind set on someone, it's hard to listen to what others have to say. I wish I would have listened.

There is no need for self-sabotage.

NO human being deserves to be lied to, cheated on, abused, etc. I'm not saying that any of these were the case for me, but they are for so many men and women out there. Many people settle when in situations like this, because they truly believe it's what they deserve. I made a lot of mistakes in my past, so I thought I didn't deserve to be happy. Please, PLEASE do not think that way. You deserve the world. I realize that it is so much easier said than done to leave certain situations.

Self love is the most important. 

How can you expect somebody to love you if you can't even love yourself? This was my biggest struggle, for a very long time. My warped mind thought that someone else's love could be enough for the both of us. The reality is, you will never be happy in any relationship if you rely on your partner to do all of the believing, loving, and trusting. I woke up one day and I realized my potential. I realized that I am a daughter of God and he made me. He didn't design me to be sad or fail. I was causing that all on my own. I finally walked away from a bad decision because I love myself. I deserve happiness. I believe in myself and I trust myself. I am comfortable in my own skin. 

When you accept yourself just the way you are--only then, can you fully give yourself to somebody else. The fight for happily ever after is so worth it. The right person will love every ounce of you. Flaws and all.

Love, MissKatieBug <3

Weathering the Storm

“Don’t ever feel bad for making a decision about your own life that upsets other people.You are not responsible for their happiness. You’re responsible for your own happiness. Anyone who wants you to live in misery for their happiness should not be in your life to begin with.”

Sometimes people clash, and sometimes you don't realize it until it is too late. I'm very stubborn, but I suppose I've always known that. After I make up my mind, it's set. I wouldn't change anything that has happened in the last year, besides the fact that I hurt so many people along the way. So here I am admitting my faults. Why did I get married? I grew up learning that it's what you do. I guess I never realized that I could say no, and maybe at the time I didn't even want to. I was ready to move out of my parent's house and start a life. I thought marriage would fix all of my problems. I honestly thought that marriage would be all fun and games, but boy was I so wrong. Marriage is hard, especially when you don't have anything in common with the person.

I was married for 6 months. Only half a year. I can't say that I was ever truly happy at all during that short time. The blame is not his, nor is it mine. We just weren't ready for marriage, or right for each other. I often considered staying in the marriage for him and for everybody else. I was told by several people that I was being selfish for wanting to leave. One day, I came to the realization that it's never selfish to do the right thing for you and your own happiness. Part of me wanted to fix things, but I had been unhappy for far too long and I knew that he wasn't who or what I wanted in life. There was never a day where we didn't argue about something, and it's not because we were bad people. Sadly, we were just bad for each other.

On January 30th, I moved out. I am now on my own. I don't regret making the choice to get married. It helped me learn some things about myself. Most would disagree with me, but I have grown up a lot since the proposal last May. I finally walked away because I am stronger than I was before. I want what is best for me and my future. I want my future children to see true love every single day. I want the happily ever after that I've always dreamed of, because I know it exists. And that is what I want for him too. He deserves happiness and I know it wasn't with me. We didn't share the same dreams and goals for our futures. I may be selfish now, but someday everyone that this decision has affected will realize that I did the best thing for us all.

For those of you who read my blog, I want you to learn that it's definitely okay to put your happiness first when circumstances call for it. There are also moments when you need to swallow your pride and drop the selfish act. I can promise that I did not make my decision without prayer. I prayed over and over every single day to know what to do. If that isn't something you do, then trust your heart. Your heart knows what is best for you, just like your Heavenly Father knows. I appreciate all of the support through this and want to thank everyone who is in my life and hasn't judged my choices.

Love, MissKatieBug <3

"I have struggled to know how to comfort.."

   I started my day just like any other day. I woke up at 8 o'clock to go babysit. I was asked to babysit for an extra hour, and I gladly accepted. I later realized that God added that extra hour for a reason. Today, I drove a different route home than normal. While I was driving, I noticed a young homeless man with a sign. He was begging for food. Now, I've obviously never been homeless, but I've definitely had my own set of struggles. When I see someone trying to overcome or live through a struggle, it pulls at my heart strings. It always has.

   The moment I saw him, I knew what I needed to do. I immediately turned the corner and went through the Wendy's drive-thru. I wish I could describe the look on his face when I handed him that food. I looked at him and realized that he must've been around my age and I knew that he needed more than food. I wouldn't want to be outside alone on a cold, winter day in Idaho. He told me that he was headed to Wendy's to eat his food, so I headed into Walgreens. I bought him a hat, gloves, hand warmers, and chapstick. I only wish I could've done more. I met him at Wendy's, gave him his items, and sat down.

   Terry is 23 years old and has been homeless off and on for about 4 years. "It's hard to get a job with a felony charge", he said. We sat there for an hour. I learned his story and heard the struggle in his voice. Terry told me about his life and how he ended up where he is today. Even with everything he has been through, he had a happiness about him. He told me, "I do what I gotta do to survive, and things can only get better". Terry has lived under bridges, in abandoned buildings, and out in the cold. I so applaud him for being optimistic.

   I found out that he went to stand on that corner only ten minutes before I showed up. Had I left babysitting at my regular time, none of this would have happened. Had I taken my regular route, none of this would have happened. In my last post, I ended with "God does not do random". It's the truth. This proves it. God sets us on specific paths when he needs our helping hand. Today was out of my norm, but it wasn't by accident.

Love, MissKatieBug <3

15 Things I Learned in 2015

Knowledge is an amazing thing. The end of each year is a great time to look back on what you had an opportunity to learn. I learned a lot this past year. I may have failed myself and others a few times, but life has a way of working out the way it's supposed to. Both bad and good things happen, but God has a plan. For 2016, I have chosen to be on His side. I need Him to help me have a successful year. I'm going to be stronger and wiser. This will be my year.

What I learned:

• It is not selfish to do what's best for you.
• Trust your heart, because it's never wrong.
• Don't hold back your tears.
• You will meet the best people at the most unexpected times.
• Always give hugs.
• Bubble gum ice cream is the best comfort food.
• Travel. A lot!
• Even the smallest acts can change the world.
• Go out of your comfort zone.
• Spend your time with the people who make you the happiest.
• Find a job that you love.
• Your mom really is the best listener.
• Find music that will express your feelings better than you can.
• There is always someone out there going through a similar thing. You're never alone.
• Take lots of pictures, but also learn how to live in the moment.
• Bonus: God doesn't do random.

Love, MissKatieBug <3