2 Years Untold

"Don't let this world make you bitter. Don't let the actions of other people turn you cold on the inside. Certain things happen that hurt us, people come that leave us, and most of all there are moments when you're bound to fall. Don't let those things make you unkind."

-Unknown

It has been 2 years and I'm doing okay.

Two years since I forgot how to trust.
Two years since I lost my innocence.
Two years since I attempted suicide.
Two years since I felt everything and nothing.

I remember walking into his house feeling safe. He made me feel comfortable. He was a returned missionary. His parents were home. But it was a big house, and being a missionary doesn't mean you are a good person. He was a bodybuilder. I only weighed 100 pounds. Other than saying no, what else could I have done? I was too small to fight back. I was too weak, and I knew he was strong. All I could do was lay there and cry while he did what he wanted.

I've done my research to learn that 1 in 6 girls/women are raped sometime in their life. ONE IN EVERY SIX. That's terrifying. And it's so common, that people push it aside like it's no big deal when we open up about it.

"Rape victims are liars."
"She's just saying that to get attention."
"Don't feel bad for her, it was probably her own fault."

These are sentences that I have heard others say. Rape victims live in fear. They are scared to meet new people. They are scared to walk alone in the dark. They are scared of men, in general. I am not telling you about my scariest moment to "get attention". I'm telling you my story to help myself and others heal.

"Maybe you should stop dressing like a slut."
"You shouldn't have led him on."
"If you weren't such a whore, that wouldn't happen."

These are things that people said to me personally. People that I loved and trusted. Nobody believed me. According to everybody else, it was my fault, and I started to believe that. I went to his house in sweats and a t-shirt. Nothing revealing. The most I had ever done was kiss a guy, and he knew that. How was it my fault?

I wracked my brain trying to understand what I did wrong. I was so innocent though, and I guess he was attracted to that. But he stole that from me. He took everything from me and it was just too much for me to handle. So now you know why I attempted suicide. Now you know why I hit a downward spiral.

A couple weeks later, I ended up in counseling. I told her everything, and I never cried. But it has been two years, and I'm stronger. I've let myself breakdown about it. I've learned that it was not, at all, my fault. I know how to trust people again. And most importantly, I'm raising awareness. Rape is not the victim's fault, ever.

I will always be affected by what happened to me that day. It changed the way I see others. It changed my outlook on the world, because I always chose to see the good. It changed how I will raise my children, and how I will protect them. It changed how careful I am about the situations I'm in. It changed me.

Two years ago I gave up on myself and everyone else. But today, I'm okay.

Love, MissKatieBug <3