To The Boys Who Broke My Heart

"The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process
of loving someone too much, and forgetting
that you are special too."
-Ernest Hemingway

An open and honest letter to the boys who have "broken" my heart:

And yes, I do mean boys, because you clearly don't know how to be men. I've learned some things about myself thanks to all of you. I used to think relationships would just always work out if I fought for it and put in all of my effort. But sometimes it had nothing to do with me at all, and you were the one to blame. I'm the kind of girl who would cross oceans and move mountains for the people I love. You know this, and you took it for granted. My first heartbreak was sudden and unexpected. I thought I was completely broken and I didn't know what to do with myself. I felt like a failure and I put all of the blame on me. 10 months. That's how long it took for me to get over you, and I hated you for doing that to me. Even 6 months after you left, I was still crying every day. I don't know if you'll read this but I hope it hurts you to think about me.

I shut down after you left and I started pushing people away. I didn't go on dates because I never wanted to be that close to someone again if they were just going to leave. I blamed you for making me that way, but it couldn't possibly have been your fault. That was on me. I was putting up a wall and protecting my heart. I was turning cold and I wouldn't give myself a chance to find love, and it took me a while to learn that I wasn't being fair to myself. I've had more guys leave since you. All of you leave the same way. Either you find someone who you think is better, or you just shut me out and stop talking to me. And I just want to say thank you for leaving--I wouldn't have been able to do it on my own. You have taught me that I deserve better, because I do.

I remember a time in my life when I didn't know my self worth. I know it now. I learned how to love myself a little bit more with each piece of my heart that you guys took. But you do not get the credit for that love. The truth is, I've always known how to love, it just took longer for me to realize that I could love myself with all of the love I was giving away. Each of you said to me, "I am so lucky, and I don't deserve you." Maybe you were right. Do you know what I believe though? Every person who has lived, is living, or will live deserves all of the love this world has to offer. Whether you are good or bad--You deserve to be loved. But you'll never end up with that kind of love if you think you don't deserve it. That's the honest truth.

"We accept the love we think we deserve." -Perks of Being a Wallflower

God took you guys out of my life for a reason, but I know you won't forget me. I know you often think about how much I cared, and how I would have done anything for you. You think about every long, heartfelt text that I'd send when you were having a bad day. You think about how effortlessly and deeply I loved. Someday I'm going to find someone who loves me that same way, because I deserve it. You will never have the satisfaction of breaking me, because I can not be broken. I will not lose myself because I lost you. I'm worth more than the heartaches you caused. I'm worth more than the small amount of effort you put into our relationship. I'm worth more than you'll ever realize. But you are also worth more than you'll ever realize. I hope you find a love that sets your soul on fire.. a love that you will never have to question if you deserve it or not.

I hope that, because of me, you understand how it should feel to be loved.

Love, Miss KatieBug <3

The Truth Behind the Reasons

"If only we could see the endless string of consequences

that result from our smallest actions. But we can't

know better until knowing better is useless."

-Jay Asher, 13 Reasons Why 

*Spoiler alerts
**Trigger warnings: rape & suicide

    Everyone has been discussing the newest Netflix series, "13 Reasons Why", which is based off of the book written by Jay Asher. The series is shedding a new light (or darkness) on the realities of rape, suicide, and mental illness in the lives of high-schoolers. Back when I was a sophomore, my English teacher read the first couple chapters of this book to our class. Right at a cliff hanger, she shut the book and told us it wasn't appropriate to read at school but it was an important one to read on our own time. I searched the whole week for the book and I bought it without question. Immediately, after arriving home, I started and finished the entire book in one sitting. Yes, it is that good! 

    So, let's talk about Hannah Baker. The story is all about her. Hannah records 13 tapes to pass around to the classmates who were "reasons" for why she killed herself. Each person had to go through and listen to the tapes, then pass them on. The reasons start off as small as name calling, and turn into as serious as rape. Her classmates, as well as several people who have watched the series, believe that Hannah is just overreacting. But the truth is, if you've never been suicidal, you wouldn't understand. It always starts with the little things that wouldn't affect a normal person, and then everything starts to hurt the same. You never know how much a simple thing can affect someone who already hates them self or their life.

"...And at some point, the struggle becomes 

too much, too tiring, and you consider letting go. 

Allowing tragedy, or whatever, to happen."

    I realize that you can't blame someone else for suicide. It is a personal decision, and it always will be. But what people don't realize, is that every little awful thing they do and say to someone, could be slowly pushing them over the edge. I know this because it happened to me, and I was almost a Hannah Baker. If you've been a follower of my blog, you already know this. What you don't know is.. I wrote letters to every person who led me to the decision of wanting to end my life. I did this after the attempt. I survived, but I needed a way to heal and feel at peace. Writing has always been my way of escape. I pulled out a journal, I jotted down 10 names, and I wrote letters. They were detailed and they were not nice at all. Although, instead of ruining those people like they ruined me, I burned each letter. Those ten people did not need to know, and they never will.
    I remember though. I went through the same things as Hannah. I remember being called names. I remember being rejected, used, and hurt. I remember being raped. I remember thinking, "my life will never get better, and I can't live like this". In a short episode called "Beyond the Reasons" at the end of the series, a doctor explains, "young adults haven't fully formed their frontal lobe, or executive function as we call it, so everything that happens feels like 'this is forever'." That statement could not be more true. The teenage years are so hard and it seems like they'll never end. But guess what? They actually do end. Life has a funny way of showing us how strong we can be. Suicide survivors feel weak for a little while, but they seem to gain back a strength that they never knew existed.
    In this series, they show not one, but two rape scenes. To the people who are offended by these explicit scenes, I hope you understand that rape is something we need to learn about. It is so common, and they made those scenes uncomfortable for a reason. The producers put this out there for victims to know they're not alone, and for predators to see the pain it leaves on the person they assault. Statistics get higher and higher every year. 1 in 5 women get raped or sexually assaulted in their lifetime. Now is the time for us victims to take a stand and bring rape to people's attention. I've put my story out in the world because someday, we will get justice and our rapists will be stopped. I said no. I was lying there, stuck under the weight of his body, with all track of time lost because I could not breathe and the tears wouldn't stop falling. But him? He was fine. He got what he wanted, and I was the one who went home feeling broken.
    Now for the suicide scene. It is painful and hard to watch. They don't leave anything to the imagination in that episode. It shows everything and it is graphic. In the book, we find out that Hannah overdoses and the author just leaves it at that. In the series, however, Hannah fills up the bath tub, slits her wrists, and bleeds to death. I listened to the producers side of this story and why they chose that ending for her, but it's awfully sad. In the world today, people seem to "romanticize" suicide and they believe that there is something "beautifully tragic" about it. If you watch this episode, I promise, you will never think that again. One producer said, "The way she does it, you can't watch it and feel like it's glamorized in any way". I chose to overdose because most women choose to end their life in what they think will be a beautiful way. Watch the episode. Tell me if it's beautiful for her parents to find their only daughter dead. It doesn't matter how you do it, it's tragic any way you choose, but it's never beautiful.
   You know my story. You know Hannah's story. So what's your story? How are you changing the lives of those around you? Were you once the person who recorded the tapes, or were you the person on the tapes? Maybe you are just somebody who stands by and watches. Maybe you were someone's saving grace. Listen to the words that come out of your mouth. Choose your actions carefully. "No one knows for certain how much impact they have on the lives of other people."

    Here's to the survivors (of anything), and to the people who struggle in silence:

"You're not a victim for sharing your story. 

You are a survivor setting the world on fire with your truth. 

And you never know who needs your light, your warmth, and raging courage."

-Alex Elle

Love, Miss KatieBug <3

Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

Our Home

"Temples are more than stone and mortar.

They are filled with faith and fasting.

They are built of trials and testimonies.

They are sanctified by sacrifice and service."

-President Thomas S. Monson

As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I'm in awe at how many beautiful temples we have and the ever growing need for more. As a member of the Pocatello community, I'm ecstatic that they have announced a temple to be built in this city! As a church, we have faced persecution since the very beginning and we know how to handle it. We are not a perfect people, only the gospel, itself, is perfect. We may judge people and say things we don't mean, just like everybody else. We believe in our religion with our whole heart, and I wish Mormons received the same respect that the majority of us give to other religions and their beliefs. Here are a few things that myself (and others) have heard or read since the announcement of the new temple, and let me try to set the record straight.

"The mormons announce that they're building 5 new temples but there is poverty and starvation running rampant throughout the world."
**This point is invalid. The LDS religion is known for the charity work they do all over the world. We can afford new temples alongside of helping the poor and needy. In case you weren't aware, several hundred Mormons dedicate their lives to serving others. They continuously donate their time, money, and belongings. We help where and when we can. I've seen this first hand.

"Lol Pocatello is building a temple but said no to funding a homeless shelter???"
**First of all, this is not our religions fault. Our church pays for temples with their own money and they do not take anything, but land, from the city. Yes, Pocatello was denied a homeless shelter, and maybe nobody even knows the reason. But it could be because the city can't afford one right now. Also, the property that they would like to use for this new temple, is already owned by the LDS church.

"Don't preach equality for the building of the temple in Poky when you know most of your ward members opposed the Mosque and it's members."
**This is not the truth. A new mosque doesn't affect how we worship, so why would it matter to us? Maybe a few people were bothered by it, but "most" of us understand that we are not the only religion in this community. Muslims are very common around here, and they should have a place to worship as well. If you are not LDS, a new temple being built does not affect you in any way. Let us be excited.

Several people also made comments about how disturbing it is that we are getting a temple before certain stores or restaurants.
**Again, there is a difference in church and state/city. Not our fault. If you want something specific in the town, then go to the city hall and complain.

I realize that several people just don't understand the meaning and importance behind LDS temples, and I don't know if I can even explain it. Pocatello is considered "home" to those who grew up here. A temple is considered "home" to those who are active in the church. We don't expect any non-members to understand this concept, but we do expect you to have a little respect. If you really are so offended by a temple in your community, send a letter to our prophet. If you are angry that you aren't allowed inside of it, there is an option for you. Once the temple is built, they will do an open house for a couple weeks where it will be available to the public. You are invited.

We are proud of our temples, and we use them for sacred ordinances that maybe some of you will never understand. If you have questions, ask. If you want nothing to do with it, that's fine too. Just because Pocatello is getting a temple, doesn't mean they are undermining any other religion. What you say and do always affects others. There is no need to bash on another person's beliefs if they are different than yours. This is the kind of thing that makes the world go round. We all look and act different from each other. We all have different upbringings, beliefs, and stories to tell. That's diversity. We need to lift each other up and have more respect in this world. If something was not meant to offend or affect you, please do not let it. Be the calm in this world of constant chaos. Be the love in this world so full of judgment.

Love, Miss KatieBug  <3

A Letter to All Women

"Women were made to be warriors, full of hope and love. We were made to overcome and fight our own battles with strength and dignity. We are here to lift each other 

up and brighten the days of those around us."

-Katelyn Marie, Age 22

To the girl who is feeling weak,

To the girl who is losing herself,

To the girl who is breaking down,

To the girl who is giving up,

You are enough. Always.

Maybe right about now you don't quite know who you are and middle school is a struggle. Friends are constantly turning their backs on you and you can barely make it through school each day without falling apart. I've been there, and I'm telling you that even the toughest day will only last 24 hours. Everyday is a new day and sometimes it's best to start over. You don't have to go back to that friend who hurt you so badly that you thought you would never recover. You can move on. Focus on yourself, and love yourself despite what they say to you. Besides, all of the other kids in middle school are just trying to figure out who they are too.

Maybe you're at home dealing with your first heartbreak, and you are all out of tears to cry. Honey, this probably won't be your last. It sucks, and I know that it feels like the end of the world. You gave him everything and you loved him with a love that you didn't even know existed. It doesn't matter if you are 15 or 50, heartbreak is heartbreak and it all hurts the same. Don't you dare let this break you, and do not let someone tell you that boys aren't worth your tears. Let it out and cry until your heart starts to mend itself. It's okay and things will start looking up eventually. Everyone heals at a different pace. So cry. Cry for a day or cry for a month, but don't lose yourself because you lost him.

Maybe you're a single or young mom and you're at your breaking point. Maybe you prayed for this baby forever, and now you are struggling with postpartum depression. Life was hard enough when you were just taking care of yourself, and now you have someone that depends on you to take care of and protect them. This was not meant to be easy, and maybe you didn't even choose this. Don't listen to the ones on the outside who are judging your every move. People will try to break you down, but it's your job to get back up. Get up for your children. Get up for yourself. Get up and love this beautiful mess you are living in, because you are stronger than you think you are. Children were made to love unconditionally, and they think you are amazing. You are amazing.

Maybe you are trying to live this life in the midst of crippling anxiety and depression and you're about to give up. Maybe you consider ending your life every day. I know what this is like, and I know that you're hurting. Sweetie, carving your skin won't take away the pain. You are beautiful, and you need to realize that. Please don't hide away from the world, somebody needs you, and it could be somebody that you haven't even met yet. You can overcome this, and trust me, I know it feels impossible right now. Never let someone tell you that you're just begging for attention, or that you're being pathetic. Your struggle does not define you. Mental illness exists, and just because you have to rely on medication to get out of bed in the morning does not mean you are weak.

We are women. We feel the pressures of the world every day and sometimes it feels like too much to bear. You've come this far, so please don't give up now. The world needs you. I need you. You are doing great, and you are alive. So continue to breathe and conquer each new day that comes along. Bad days are bound to happen. Good days are promised. You are, and always will be, enough.

Love, Miss KatieBug <3

365 Days of Gratitude

"Our desire to serve others is magnified by our gratitude for 

what the Savior has done for us."

-Henry B. Eyring

Every year, when November hits, we all start to serve a little more. We all start to appreciate what we have and give to those who don't have as much. We start to see people differently and we understand that we are all the same, no matter where we are at in life or in this world. I never understood why we are not like this year-round, but I realized something this month. It all comes back to gratitude. We think too much of ourselves during the year, but we grow up learning that the holidays are a time to be grateful, so we finally turn away from ourselves. We turn to those who need us most.

I took more time to be grateful this year and find the opportunities to serve. Sometimes all someone needs is a listening ear, a small helping hand, or just a pick-me-up. As I made cookies for my neighbors, donated to shelters, bought food for the homeless, and helped the people of Rocky Point, Mexico, I learned something. The people who have less in this world, have so much more to be grateful for. Crazy how that works, right? They are humble, and they see every little thing as a blessing. This year I didn't do the gratitude challenge on facebook like everybody else. It is always the same. "I'm grateful for my family, my friends, the gospel, etc." And I am, but I'm grateful for so much more than that. I'm grateful for all of the little things that I can't even begin to explain or understand. Just because I'm not posting my blessings everywhere, doesn't mean I don't have them. They are all around me, and I'm learning to find them in every aspect of my life. I'm grateful for a lot more this year than I ever have been before.

Like loneliness, because without it, I would never feel the joy of being around people.

Heartbreak, because when I love someone with everything I have and they leave, it's not my loss--it's theirs. And someday, I'll find my perfect person.

Depression, because I've become more sensitive to how others are feeling and how to help them through something.

Sleepless nights, because sometimes I need that extra time to heal and learn about life.

Hunger pains, because there are people in the world who don't know when their next meal will be, and mine isn't far away.

Family, because even though my parents aren't together, I still have both parents, and not everybody can say that. I have double the parents, plus the greatest 13 siblings I could ever ask for, and I can't take that for granted.

Transportation, a place to live, clean water, electricity, a good job, medicine, hospitals (even the bills that come with it), friendships, my Savior and His atonement. I'm grateful for the little things and the big things, both good and bad. I'm grateful to be healthy and alive. I'm so grateful for the trials that were thrown my way this year, because without them, I wouldn't be who or where I am today. And today, I'm grateful for the person I've become.

Love, Miss KatieBug <3

All Fears Aside

Journal entry: October 23, 2016
"We're living in a world where women are shamed for everything they do, wrong or right. Where men are to be feared because far too many think that rape and sexual assault is a joke. Where children are living in fear of stepping foot outside of their homes. Cops are being killed left and right, only "black lives matter", the government is more corrupt than ever, and we are to just stand by and watch." -Katelyn Marie

Sometimes I get thoughts in my head that I have to write down because I know it will be for one of two things. Either I'll need to remember it to help me get through something, or I'll need to post it for other people to get through something. That journal entry may not help anything, but I feel like it needed to be said after watching the presidential race. Today, the nation woke up angry and in fear of what's to come. The world continues to get worse, but now is not the time to divide and fall apart. We knew this was coming. There would have been hurt feelings and upset people no matter who would have won. We spent so much time judging the candidates that we started judging each other. Where is the compassion and humility? We are all human, and we should all be in this together despite the outcome.

We have known no greater love and compassion than that of our Savior, especially during times of need. Every election was hard, not just this one. Both candidates had flaws and everyone chose who they thought would be best. Not just as a religion, but as a nation, we prayed. We prayed and prayed to make the right decision for this country and for our families. It really does not matter who won, because ultimately we know who is really in charge. Our Heavenly Father and our Savior have never given up on us, and they aren't going to now either. We must be supportive and show respect. All we can really do is continue on with our lives and hope for the best.

Elder Bruce D. Porter said, "We need not fear the future, nor falter in hope and good cheer, because God is with us... When our only desire is to please Him, we will be blessed with a deep inner peace."

How true that statement is. We knew this life would be hard, and we chose to come anyway. As the Last Days draw ever nearer, we must let go of fear and trust in the One who really matters. We must give our new president a chance and believe in him. We must love our neighbors and stand with them. White, Black, Hispanic, Muslim, Latino, man, woman, gay, straight, transgender. Our race, gender, and/or orientation shouldn't matter. We all just want to be accepted and loved. We don't have to stand by and watch. The little things really are the big things. If we each start by making a difference in our own lives and neighborhoods, just imagine the outcome. Thank you for reading my blog, and for never judging my opinion. I love you all and I wish the best to everyone and their families during this tough time.

Love, Miss KatieBug <3

2 Years Untold

"Don't let this world make you bitter. Don't let the actions of other people turn you cold on the inside. Certain things happen that hurt us, people come that leave us, and most of all there are moments when you're bound to fall. Don't let those things make you unkind."

-Unknown

It has been 2 years and I'm doing okay.

Two years since I forgot how to trust.
Two years since I lost my innocence.
Two years since I attempted suicide.
Two years since I felt everything and nothing.

I remember walking into his house feeling safe. He made me feel comfortable. He was a returned missionary. His parents were home. But it was a big house, and being a missionary doesn't mean you are a good person. He was a bodybuilder. I only weighed 100 pounds. Other than saying no, what else could I have done? I was too small to fight back. I was too weak, and I knew he was strong. All I could do was lay there and cry while he did what he wanted.

I've done my research to learn that 1 in 6 girls/women are raped sometime in their life. ONE IN EVERY SIX. That's terrifying. And it's so common, that people push it aside like it's no big deal when we open up about it.

"Rape victims are liars."
"She's just saying that to get attention."
"Don't feel bad for her, it was probably her own fault."

These are sentences that I have heard others say. Rape victims live in fear. They are scared to meet new people. They are scared to walk alone in the dark. They are scared of men, in general. I am not telling you about my scariest moment to "get attention". I'm telling you my story to help myself and others heal.

"Maybe you should stop dressing like a slut."
"You shouldn't have led him on."
"If you weren't such a whore, that wouldn't happen."

These are things that people said to me personally. People that I loved and trusted. Nobody believed me. According to everybody else, it was my fault, and I started to believe that. I went to his house in sweats and a t-shirt. Nothing revealing. The most I had ever done was kiss a guy, and he knew that. How was it my fault?

I wracked my brain trying to understand what I did wrong. I was so innocent though, and I guess he was attracted to that. But he stole that from me. He took everything from me and it was just too much for me to handle. So now you know why I attempted suicide. Now you know why I hit a downward spiral.

A couple weeks later, I ended up in counseling. I told her everything, and I never cried. But it has been two years, and I'm stronger. I've let myself breakdown about it. I've learned that it was not, at all, my fault. I know how to trust people again. And most importantly, I'm raising awareness. Rape is not the victim's fault, ever.

I will always be affected by what happened to me that day. It changed the way I see others. It changed my outlook on the world, because I always chose to see the good. It changed how I will raise my children, and how I will protect them. It changed how careful I am about the situations I'm in. It changed me.

Two years ago I gave up on myself and everyone else. But today, I'm okay.

Love, MissKatieBug <3