A Misunderstood Life

 "You may think you know what autism 'looks like'.
In fact, though, when you've met one person with autism
you've met ONE person with autism. Some autistic people are
chatty; others are silent. Many have sensory issues, gastrointestinal
problems, sleep difficulties and other medical problems. Others may
have social communication delays - and that's it."

What is Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)? It is defined as "a serious developmental disorder that impairs the ability to communicate and interact". But honestly, autism is so much more than that and it's not as simple to understand as you might think. Autism Spectrum Disorder is identified in about 1 in every 54 children. It is also 5 times more likely to be found in boys than in girls. Before autism was an official diagnosis, it was associated with schizophrenia, and it did not get it's own term until 1943. Some people believe ASD is caused by vaccines, while others believe it's because of certain medications taken while pregnant. But what science has learned over the years is that ASD comes from genetics, or a genetic mutation. In other words, autism is a syndrome/disorder - not a disease. Therefore, there are certain traits/characteristics involved, not symptoms. There is no medication. Autistic people are not sick, and I think that is a common misunderstanding.

7 Common Traits of Autism Spectrum Disorder:

1. Difficulty w/ social interaction*
2. Unusual interest in objects*
3. Difficulty w/ changes in routine*
4. Excel in one area, while struggling in another
5. Unusually strong reactions to one or more senses (sensory overload)*
6. Will do (or talk about) the same thing over & over again
7. Intense and prolonged emotional reactions*

I have 5 out of 7*. When I was younger, autism wasn't nearly as common as it is now. Not very many people were familiar with it, and it's one disorder that commonly gets misdiagnosed. I was often referred to as a "spoiled brat" because I would throw tantrums, as in, throw myself on the floor kicking, screaming and crying. I also had the worst social anxiety, and refused to look people in the eyes when they were talking to me. The older I got, the more I learned how to "mask" these characteristics. "Masking is a survival strategy. It generally involves intentionally learning neurotypical behaviors and mimicking them in social situations." This is very common among autistic girls/women, which makes for a harder diagnosis.

I've independently studied autism since middle school. I've worked in schools and group homes with autistic children and adults. I also have autistic cousins. I recently did a poll on instagram asking if self-diagnosis (of anything) is valid. 40% of voters said no, which honestly kind of shocked me. I know, I know some people do it for attention, but not everyone. We are the ones who live with ourselves every day. We know exactly how we are feeling at all times and what is going on in our own bodies. Hard fact.. doctors don't know everything; however, they do know a lot. But sometimes what we're feeling can't be explained, so how can a doctor make a diagnosis based on that information? Tests can be wrong too, unfortunately.

From what I know now, those 'tantrums' that I was having as a child were meltdowns from being overwhelmed. They still happen, which once resulted in a misdiagnosis of bipolar disorder. The real diagnosis is Sensory Processing Disorder. I've had it my whole life, but was not aware/familiar with the term until about 4 years ago. I have since learned how to notice the warning signs of an upcoming meltdown and when to remove myself from overwhelming situations. As an adult, I've become very much an extrovert and crave social situations; although, I still struggle with social cues. I don't make eye contact because it makes me very uncomfortable and I typically speak in a monotone voice, without much expression. I'm not a being a brat - this is my normal, and it's okay. 

The older I get and the more understanding I have, the less I mask my characteristics because I want to bring awareness to them. And the less I mask, the more characteristics I notice. Unusual interest? Yes. I get fixated on specific items or hobbies. Sometimes it'll last a few months, and other times it will be a couple years. Such as my wonderful and childish obsession with all things Beauty and the Beast. That didn't come from childhood. Difficulty with change? I suppose it has always been a struggle, but I didn't acknowledge it until a few years ago when I had a meltdown in the middle of DisneyWorld. Intense emotional reactions? I feel all the feels.. and I feel them hard. Someone can say no to me over the smallest thing, and it can cause me to cry (sob, even) for hours. Example: my brother not letting me eat some chicken nuggets that were in the freezer, because they were bought for him. This has become a joke in my family and it's pretty funny to me now. But in the moment, I was starving and I was very upset.

Trigger warning

So do I think self-diagnosis is valid? Yes, because growing up with 5 out of 7 autism characteristics, explains a lot. It has come to my attention that using the words high or low functioning though, is wrong. It can be hurtful. And even the people that you think are "high functioning"? They are until they're not. Autistic people have highs and lows, and it has nothing to do with their strengths and/or struggles. World Autism Awareness/Acceptance Day is coming up on April 2nd. With this in mind, here are some facts to be aware of: Autism Speaks is not a safe organization to donate to and support. Only 4% of their proceeds are used to support autistic people and their families. In 2009, they released a video comparing autism to aids and cancer, while indicating that autistic children are to blame for breaking up their parent's marriages. This organization also excludes autistic people from their leadership roles. Instead, please support: Autistic Inclusive Meets, Autistics For Autistics and/or Autistic Self Advocacy Network. Thank you.

If you have any question, please feel free to reach out and ask.

Love, 

Miss KatieBug

www.appliedbehavioranalysisprograms.com

www.aboutkidshealth.ca

www.healthline.com

Trauma, Part 2

"Owning our story and loving ourselves

through that process is the bravest

thing that we'll ever do."

-Brene Brown

trigger warning: rape

Okay, okay.. It has been sooo long since I've written a post. Many of you have reached out and held me accountable for it. Thank you. I promise I've been trying to write and I have like 7 drafts in my folder. I've felt kind of stuck. I want to say so many things, but I haven't been able to process and articulate the words correctly. All of my drafts (this is not one of them) will be posts at some point. As for what I'm about to talk about, I never wanted to. I hold a lot of shame and guilt for it. But like I've always said.. writing heals, and this post will get to the people who need it.

For a long time, I didn't believe that the rape affected me. And maybe for a long time it didn't. My brain took way longer to process it than most people. The trauma was never immediate for me. It took about 3-4 years to surface. I openly talked about my trauma process in my April 2019 post, and I'm still going through that. So with my fears aside, please let me tell you the most vulnerable pieces of my story that I don't quite understand.

It came up in casual conversation tonight, "so why do you just have sex with so many people?" And my heartbreaking response was, "because I'm too afraid to say no". Oof. I do not like saying that out loud. I don't want to admit that because it means I'm giving up my power. I'm so easily giving my power away to people who see me as an object. People who simply don't care, and don't even know that they're taking something away from me. But I could never put that blame on them. It's mine, and I acknowledge it.

I never wanted this kind of life for me. I never wanted to give a sacred piece of myself to so many people, so why have I done that? When we think of trauma we think of panic attacks. We think of sexual assault survivors who live in fear and anxiety. We think of war heroes who struggle with post-traumatic stress disorder. We think of lives lost to suicide because their thoughts overwhelmed them. We don't think about the guilt, the coping mechanisms, and the need for control. We don't think about the underlying issues.

In my traumatic experience six years ago, I didn't have any control over the situation. I felt helpless. Unlike the normal fight or flight, my emergency response is to freeze, so I did. And I do. But the key word here is "control". Unfortunately, some sexual assault survivors (including myself), use sex as a way to regain control of our bodies. "If I give it away, then they can't take it." It's an unhealthy thought process. But in victims minds we think that even if we say no, they'll do what they want anyway. I've said no, and men have been angry. I've said no, and men have begged. I've said no.. and I've been raped. So it's easier, and less scary, to just let it happen.

Maybe now that I understand this part of my trauma, I can change the cycle. Nobody has the right to take away my power. It's mine. I own it. 

To all women, and men, remember that you have the power inside of you. You can say no, and you don't ever have to give an explanation. You don't owe anybody anything. Your body is your own, and you deserve to fight for that. You are worth so much more than you will ever know. Even through trauma, you've survived up to this point. It's okay to acknowledge the pain that got you here. Give yourself some credit, and actually -- you do owe somebody something.. yourself. You owe yourself love. You owe yourself forgiveness. You owe yourself compassion. 

"What we don't need in the midst of struggle

is shame for being human." -Brene Brown

You never know the underlying issues in someone else's story. I beg of you to look at people with every ounce of love and compassion. Not shame, not judgment. Just love. We're all human, and we are just trying to survive. You deserve the love that you are so freely giving to everyone else. You are made of stardust and magic, and you deserve to be seen as such. If you need anything, please reach out. To a therapist, to a trusted family member, to me. I will always listen, but if you're not ready to share your story yet, that's okay too. I see you. I love you. I believe in you. You are strong, and you will get through this.

Love,

Miss KatieBug <3

Crisis Phone Line: 1-800-273-8255

Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741

Un-Apologetically Me

"You are not defined by someone's partial view

of your life, your strengths, or your history.
Their inability to see or appreciate the complete
version of you only limits them, not you.
Stand strong in your truth and purpose
and continue being your bad-ass, unapologetic self."
-Steve Maraboli

December 8th, 1994 - Chandler Regional Medical Center.

Katelyn Marie. 8 pounds, 3 ounces.

We're born into this world and given a name. That's it. That's what we're supposed to be known by for the rest of our life. One name. We're perfect--untouched by the world around us. Then we start getting older.. and the labels arise. Our names are used less and less by people.

You're 6 years old and you are annoying.
You're 12 years old and you just got called fat. Maybe a loser?
You're 18 years old and now you are being sexualized and looked at differently.

And what about the stigmas surrounding mental health? Shame. Embarrassment.

Does anyone really know you? Do you even know who you are anymore?

Maybe you're a wife, mother, father, son, teacher, engineer, leader, follower, etc.
Maybe you think you're afraid, lost, broken, unworthy..

-
-
-

Who am I?
I'm Katelyn. At 12 years old, I was diagnosed with a chemical imbalance (depression) in my brain. At 22 years old, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety & panic. And now, at 24, I recently found out that I have sensory processing disorder (*SPD). I've been in therapy on and off since I was seven, and society teaches me to be embarrassed about it. I'm taught to stay quiet, because I'm the "crazy" girl when people realize I see a therapist and a psychiatrist. I'm overly sensitive. When I'm dressed up and going out, I'm 'sexy' or 'hot'. I'll get on your nerves, and sometimes I'm a brat. I lash out and throw tantrums that I still haven't figured out how to control. I heard someone refer to me by saying, "Oh her? You don't want to deal with her. She has depression and stuff, so she's a mess". These damn labels..
*SPD is a condition in which the brain has trouble receiving and responding to information that comes in through the senses.

We grow up hearing these horrible things about ourselves, and somewhere along the way, we start to internalize them. We believe them. We use what someone else said to define who we are. And then we say things like, "Look at this girl on Instagram, she's so _______". We've all done it. It's never positive. I wonder what her story is though. Everyone has a story.
     --Maybe that girl who you think is fat has poly-cystic ovary syndrome. She's struggling and she is already self conscious. There is more to her.
     --Maybe that father who you think is a "dead beat" never had a fighting chance. He's hurting and he wants those kids. There is more to him.

Maybe there is more under the surface that you'll never know or be able to see about someone. Just like there is so much more to you. You are so much more than your mental illness. You are so much more than the labels and the stigmas. You are so much more than every trial you have to fight through in this life. You are so much more than what people say about you. Believe that. If you ignore the labels, they won't stick. The labels are not yours to carry.

So who am I really?
I'm Katelyn. I am an advocate, a writer, a daughter.. but you know that. At 12 years old, I took piano lessons and although I'm not musically inclined, I found a love for music. At 22 years old, I truly learned how to love and accept myself on my own. And now, at 24, I'm back in my parent's house and learning to let go of people/things that don't help me grow. I go to therapy every week, and I'm a better person because of it. I am a fighter for what I believe in. I don't want to be called hot.. I just want to be pretty. Because I am. I am a lover of Jesus and know that I'm saved through him. I was blessed with a heart big enough to love every person in this world. I forgive easily. I like to dance alone in my apartment. I sing in front of anyone, without a care. I'm fascinated with the stars, and I love to play in the dirt. I still believe in magic and fairy tales. I am thankful every day for what life has put me through. I am strong, brave and powerful. I'm just me. The good, the bad.. it's all there! And I won't apologize for it.

Let the one who created you be the one who defines you. Don't let the labels stick. So who were you before the world told you who you should be?

Love, Miss KatieBug <3

Trauma.

"There are wounds that never show on the body
that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds."

*Trigger warning: rape

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. My story is not a secret. It is out here for the world to read, because I don't want anyone to feel alone the way I did for so long. But.. there is always suffering beyond the story. The story is the easy part. The trauma is the part that nobody ever talks about.

Trauma: "Emotional shock following a stressful event, which may be associated with 
physical shock and sometimes leads to long-term neurosis."

Denial. For a long time, I would not let myself believe that it was anything other than sex. I didn't want to believe that something so awful really happened to me, so I made up stories in my head. I took the blame. I tried everything I could to suppress the memory.

Fear. This one was rough. I wanted to be afraid of men, but I wasn't. In my mind, I needed them to help me feel better about the situation. But I was afraid of judgment. I was afraid of being labeled a slut. I was too afraid to ever say no to someone again..

Anger. How could he? He chose a girl so innocent and loving. He took something from me that I could never get back, and I hated him for it. I hated him for having power over me. I hated him for believing he didn't do anything wrong. I hated him, because I said no and he still did what he wanted.

Shame. I was humiliated. I could not claim to be a virgin anymore. I didn't save myself for marriage, like I always thought I would. He clearly had no respect for me; and in turn, I had no respect for myself. I had nothing left to give, and I did not want to be alive anymore. 

Guilt. Maybe this really was my fault. I always trusted people too easily.  Maybe I gave him the wrong look or sent off certain vibes. Maybe I didn't say no loud enough. Maybe he thought my cry was a good sign? I may have said no, but I didn't fight back. 

Moral Injury. So now I've had sex.. and I've tried to kill myself. Do I go to church and confess my sins? Did I lose my place in heaven? A returned missionary did this to me. I couldn't bear to go back to church. In my mind, I was broken. Past the point of no return. He damaged my spirit and my faith.

These are the six main emotional responses to trauma & these were my own thoughts in the midst of each one. They are a constant cycle. Today, even 5 years later, I still have several of these thoughts. "What could I have done differently?" is my most common. I know the truth, but trauma is tricky. I was raped, and it was not my fault. I never sinned. The God I know will still welcome me into heaven with open arms. We can talk ourselves through the thoughts, but what about everything else? What about the self sabotage and panic attacks?

So, here's to being vulnerable:

Because of him, I try to control others so they can't control me. I do not know how to properly handle being told to do something. Because of him, I do not know how to trust anyone, even after they prove to me that I can. I'm afraid to be left alone with people. Because of him, I purposely ruin good things/relationships to save myself any future pain. I leave people before they can leave me. Because of him, I am afraid to say no when I am in an uncomfortable situation. I just let unwanted things happen. Because of him, the panic attacks happen just from a kiss. And that is trauma.

I am working through this. I am in sexual assault counseling & support groups. It's okay to reach out and ask for help. It's okay to talk about it. It's okay to be vulnerable. It is not okay for someone to hold so much power over you that you lose yourself. And if you don't take anything else from this post, know this: I AM NOT WHAT HAPPENED TO ME. And neither are you. You are not the assault, abuse, pain, hurt, neglect, loss, or trauma. You are love. You are magic. You are worthy. YOU are whoever you want to be.

And absolutely none of what happened to you is your fault.

Love,

Miss KatieBug <3

Like a Storm

"Depression is like a storm. It starts slow,
Eating away at you slowly, then it becomes stronger,
And causes more damage. Then it stops,
And you think you're fine, that it's getting better.
Like it's safe to go outside now, and enjoy the finer things in life
Kind of like the eye of the storm. Then out of nowhere,
It hits you again, knocking you down,
Harder than before, until you're no more.
It swallows you, clogs your vision.
So then you can't see how close to ending it is.
And some don't make it, thinking that the only way
To stop the storm, is to stop themselves."

-Unknown

*trigger warning: suicidal thoughts

Journal Entry: August 14, 2018
I failed myself. I failed {all of you}, and I'm sorry. At least, that's how I feel right now. I thought I was better. I thought my depression was gone forever. But it's back, and it's worse. And I'm scared. I hate being alive most days again, but not exactly in a suicidal type of way. I don't want to hurt myself, but maybe a coma or something would suffice. I'm not opposed to getting hit by a car or something though. That's how I know I'm not safe.

I have been trying to write this blog post since that day back in August. I can only seem to get out a little at a time, because this hurts. This struggle is painful and I'm afraid of judgment. But today (Nov. 4), I will finish, so here it goes:

I've always been told that depression comes in waves, but I had never experienced it that way. Mine was terrible for years and years. I learned how to cope with the daily struggles and just accepted that I would live like that forever. Sleep my days away. Then one day, about a  year and a half ago, my depression disappeared. It was completely gone and life felt perfect. I was genuinely happy for the first time in my life, and that feeling lasted through the seasons. Not even winter depression showed up. I thought I was "cured". But sadly, the storm found it's way back to me.

The very first sign of my depression coming back (which started about mid-July) was anger. I'm not typically an angry person, but I was livid all the time at everybody. I was so confused and I honestly could not understand what was wrong with me. I was hurting myself and I was hurting those around me. I lost all of my patience. Every situation became too stressful and I couldn't cope. Because of this severe anger, I had to quit one of my jobs in fear that I would lash out and cause physical harm to somebody. I'm afraid of myself.

At the beginning of August, I went to my doctor and requested to be put back on antidepressants. If you've kept up with my blog, you know that I was medication free for over a year. It was hard to accept the medication again, and I was humiliated. I cried, a lot. But I need them for now. I've been taking them for 90 days, and they haven't helped entirely. I know I may be going through the trial and error process for a while. This post is different from my others, it's not about hope-it's about awareness. This disease is real and it is painful.

I also fought up the courage to start counseling, which I've been doing every week for about 2 months. I just recently started opening up to my counselor and we've had a couple of breakthroughs so far. I have come to realize certain things about my past and how they've affected me today, but I haven't gotten to a point where I know how to fix things. I am a work in progress right now, but I'm doing everything I can to seek help. And for those who are struggling with any type of mental illness, I highly suggest finding a trusted counselor to talk to. Talk things out weekly. Write things down daily.

The good days are alright. The bad days are extremely hard, and seem to happen too often. I cry and I beg the pain to end.
"Why do I have to live like this?"
"I don't want to be here anymore."
"I don't deserve to be happy."

I think about these three things at least once a week, sometimes more. But I do deserve to be happy, and I want to be alive. These thoughts creep their way in and my mind can't seem to let them go on the bad days. Why do I have to live like this? I don't know. Why does anyone have to live like this? It doesn't seem fair. We are at war with our minds daily.. but maybe, just maybe.. God needs warriors like us for something bigger. I'm trying to believe in myself. I'm trying to understand what I need to learn from this experience. I am here for a reason, and so are you. I am here to fight, so fight along with me. We can beat this. We can win. WE ARE WARRIORS.

Love, Miss KatieBug <3

Learning to Love

"The most exciting, challenging, and significant
relationship of all is the one you have with yourself.
And if you can find someone to love the you
that you love, well, that's just fabulous."
-Carrie Bradshaw

I tried really hard to have this post out for Valentine's Day, but I'm going to be honest with you.. I know I make it seem like my life is always good these days. Let me tell you something though, I still struggle. The whole month of February was a struggle. I didn't want to go out. I didn't want to work or see people. I just wanted to relax and sleep. I don't even remember the last time I had a depressive episode like that. I beat myself up sometimes because I feel like a failure. A failure for all of the times I've loved and lost. For all of the times people have left and I've blamed myself. The month of February is for love, but how can I write about that when I don't know if I've ever really known love? 

Here's the thing, I may not know how it feels to be truly loved by someone else or to know how it feels to truly love another, but I do a damn good job at loving myself most days. So let me try writing this again.

In honor of Valentine's Day being, well, a month ago - let's talk about love. I don't mean the sappy, Nicholas Sparks movie kind of love (which is my favorite btw). I mean, the most important kind of love, self love. Most of us are so worried about finding love that we forget to show love to ourselves. Even when we're in relationships, we believe that only our partner's love is enough, but it isn't. We have to love us too! This topic is such an important one to me. Maybe because I remember a time when I didn't know how to love myself, and I never thought that I'd be able to. I used to believe that I'd find the love of my life someday and I would have everything I ever wanted and finally be happy. I didn't understand that it was possible for me to be happy on my own. And because of those toxic thoughts, I felt like I was dying a little inside every time I went through a break up. 

For the past year or so, I've really put my focus on loving myself. I've learned how to let go of people who aren't right for me. I've learned how to turn to God when things get hard, instead of wallowing in self pity. I've learned how to give myself a break when needed and teach myself healthy coping techniques. I've learned how to be in tune with my mind and body. I know what I need and when I need it. So I'm sitting here tonight and I can honestly tell you that I love everything about myself. Some days I may not like myself, but I always love me. I want you to love yourself too, even on the days that you don't like yourself very much. Here are a few steps that I took to improve myself, which in turn, taught me a lot about how to love myself. I hope you will try them, and I hope they will make a difference. 

• Positive Affirmations. Write them down, and say them out loud. You may not believe them at first, but you will start to the more you repeat them. Add details. Make your words mean something, and trust them.

"I am a radiant, confident, and inspirational Daughter of God-

that serves with joy, listens intently, and wholeheartedly loves

others and myself because I am worth it." 

• Remove, Block, Delete. Please do this! It's totally okay and super healthy to remove toxic people from your life, and/or delete them on social media. If they are filled with negative words, posts, and thoughts - bye bye!
• Ground Yourself. Do this daily. It helps you stay in a more calm and positive state of mind throughout the day. This one is hard to explain, so you might need to go look it up..
• Believe in Something. Believing in something makes it easier to believe in yourself. Find your thing. Whatever gives you a little extra strength. I, personally, pray to God for peace because He believes in me the same way I believe in Him.
• Find Hope. It's hard to live this life if you aren't hopeful. To me, hope is in every sunrise that starts a brand new day, and in every sunset that ends my tough days.
• Give Yourself a Break. If you can't handle life at the moment, take a day off of work/school. Remove yourself from a rough situation. Practice self care.
• Self Care. So important! *My personal favs and go-to's
• Read a self-help book.
• Free write in a journal*
• Do some yoga.
• Talk to a friend or a therapist.
• Buy flowers for yourself.
• Take yourself on a date*
• Bake cookies.
• Take a bubble bath*
• Plan a vacation.
• Shut off your phone.
• Solo dance party!*
• Watch your favorite movie.
• Declutter.
• Stargaze*
• Go get a massage.
• Dress up and go out*
• Practice deep breathing.
• Give yourself a pep talk in the mirror.
• Forgive. Forgive everyone who has wronged you, even if they aren't sorry. Forgive those who have hurt your family and your friends. Forgive yourself for the hell you've put others through, even if you meant whatever you did at the time. Forgive yourself for the hell you've put your own mind and body through. Just forgive.
• Choose Yourself. Just like one of my previous posts. Sometimes it's perfectly fine and needed to put yourself before others. Be selfish, when your mind and body call for it. Choose yourself. Love yourself. 

Loving yourself won't happen overnight. It may take months or years. It may take the help of others so you can see your own worth. It may take a lot of things. But when you learn to love yourself, everything else just kind of falls into place the way it's supposed to. Life becomes a little bit brighter and easier. I hope you find that love in every single part of you.

Love, Miss KatieBug <3

A Harsh Reality

Journal Entry: January 13, 2018

"I'm sick and tired of guys telling me that I deserve better than them, but they're never willing to treat me better. Why aren't I worth the effort? They say I'm such a good person, but they are never good to me. They leave me feeling like I'm not good enough. But I know I'm good enough and it's not fair for them to make me think otherwise. I deserve so much better than half-ass 'relationships' that never turn into anything. Women should not feel like less of a person because of the way guys treat us, but it's something we seem to deal with everyday"

-Katelyn Marie, age 23

*Trigger warning: rape
     If any of you women, and even men, haven't yet watched Halsey's speech from the Women's March, I highly suggest watching it. She explains the truths behind what all women go through. Rape, harassment, unplanned pregnancy, miscarriage. We need men to know. We need to raise awareness, and stop the inappropriate behavior. We need more women to speak up and prove that we are not treated right. Men assume that they are superior and that women will do whatever they ask of us.. this has to stop. They do NOT and should not have power over us. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKddxONWn78

     Because of Halsey, I have decided to put more of my story on here. Some parts are painful. Some parts have been left unspoken until this moment. Part of me is scared to write this, but I've always believed in putting my story out in the world. Telling our stories help others heal, learn, and understand. I am raising awareness.
      I never went on dates in high school. My first kiss was right before I turned 18 years old. My best friend was raped in junior high. My sisters had been heartbroken before. I didn't want to be a part of that, so I steered clear. And honestly, I wouldn't have been able to cope with heart break at that age. My depression was already too much for me to handle. So as a young girl, I was never personally around any kind of sexual harassment. It wasn't as common to read about it back then either. I'm not sure I really believed it existed. I lived in my own little world and I didn't want to know what bad things were happening around me.
     After I graduated, I started to notice the change. Maybe it had to do with being out in the real world.. I'm not sure. All of the sudden, guys were asking for dirty pictures, and would send them without warning. I was 19 the first time a guy, who wasn't my boyfriend, smacked my butt. I was 19 the first time I got "felt up" without giving permission. I was 19 when I remember starting to get cat called. I was 19 when I got raped. Rape: 'unlawful sexual activity and usually sexual intercourse carried out forcibly or under threat of injury against the will of another person'. Rape.. I hate that word. 1 in 6 women are the victim of an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime. How gut wrenching and disgusting is that statistic. Most women stay silent. Most women have both physical and emotional scars that nobody notices. I will not be silent. I have emotional scars that I can't always hide. Because of him, I have break downs and flash backs when I'm in relationships now. Sometimes, I still hurt.
     A week after my rape, I was home alone and I let a guy come over to watch movies. I didn't know him very well, but my friend and I had hung out with him before. We started kissing and he took my pants off. I was still trying to cope with what happened the week prior. I was too afraid to say no a second time, so I didn't. I just laid there. I let him do what he wanted and then he went home. Before he left, he asked me if I was on birth control then got angry at my answer. I wasn't using any kind of protection, because I wasn't sexually active. I had just been raped.. again. Twice in one week. But I wouldn't let myself believe it. I told myself it was all my fault because I didn't try fighting them. I just laid there. I had never even been touched before they came along. I didn't want to be.
     Both unprotected. I took about 6 pregnancy tests within those next couple weeks. Everything in me was telling me that I was pregnant. I was sick. I was tired. I was terrified. I planned out exactly how I would save up my money for the next 9 months. Each test came back negative, but I never believed them. Then my period didn't come, and when it did, it could have easily been a miscarriage. Or maybe it was just different because of the trauma. I'll never know.
     A year and a half after that incident happened, I found myself married to a man who I thought could protect me. I thought I was safe with him. He never physically hurt me, but he put my feelings aside and mentally abused me until I couldn't take anymore. He didn't want love.. He wanted a woman to take care of his every need. I was working 60+ hour work weeks to pay the bills. He expected me to cook dinner at 10pm every night when I got home. I had to do all of his laundry. I had to make the bed and clean the apartment. I had to do the grocery shopping. I had to do everything a wife is "supposed" to do, and I just didn't have the time. So, to him, I was never good enough. I was never enough to make him happy.
     I went on vacation without him that winter. I noticed that I was the happiest I had been that whole year. I also noticed how, when people asked about my marriage, I had more negative than positive things to say. It broke my heart. I failed, because I knew divorce was my only option at that point. But I knew I deserved better. I got home on New Years Eve and I was ready to discuss my plan with him. He said to me, "because you think you're leaving me, and because it's a holiday, you owe me". He was talking about sex, of course. I didn't feel like I had a choice. So I did what he asked of me. Why? Because I was his wife, and I really believed that I owed it to him. I moved out three weeks later. After that, he would text me and blame his drinking and inappropriate behavior on me.
     Are good men really so hard to find these days? I have dated 4 guys since my divorce. I don't mean like one single date. I mean, they were guys I was seeing almost every day for months. Guys I was falling for and giving my heart to. Each of them proved that they liked me and each of them put in a lot of effort, but none of them wanted to be in a real relationship. Men know how to get what they want. They all made me feel special, and they all made me believe there would be a future with them. I have proved time and time again that I will do everything I can to make people happy. I give so much of my time and effort because I believe that people deserve it. But men know exactly how to use and abuse. Some men think they can walk all over women. They treat us like we're dirt. And do you know what? We let them. We let them hurt us and leave us heartbroken.
     We don't have to let them. I hope we, as women, understand what we really deserve. We deserve respect and love. We deserve so much more than half-ass relationships and such little effort. We are powerful and we are full of beauty and love. We should be able to say no, without fear. We should be confident and be able to walk away from the kind of men who just want us to fill the spaces in their lonely lives. We need to put a stop to the way we're being treated. Nobody else can stop it for us. We need to be bold, brave, and strong. We need to show ourselves respect. We are women. Let us prove that we are unstoppable.

Love, Miss KatieBug <3