He Is The Gift

Alma 7:11-12
"11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the  word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.
 12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he  will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he  may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities."

I've been reading these verses over and over lately, and they have a different meaning than they used to. It was always 'Yeah, Christ suffered for my sins. He took on the pains of the world. I'm not alone because of Him.' What we don't realize is that He did so much more than that. The definition of infirmity is: "physical or mental weakness". I was hit hard when my bishop told me that, because depression is a mental weakness/illness. Most people think of illnesses as a cold, or maybe the flu. This scripture includes everything: sicknesses, diseases, heartache, struggles, pain. For me, it's important to know that he suffered through depression and anxiety. He knows exactly what I've been through and what I am currently going through. I'm NEVER alone.

He (Christ) is the gift. Happy Holidays!

Love, Miss KatieBug <3

This is why.

 "Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in our hearts."
-Winnie the Pooh

     A few weeks back, I was having a particularly hard day. The hospital bills were getting extremely overwhelming and I wasn't quite sure how to handle it. Again, thoughts of suicide came flooding back. I can't explain what was running through my mind. I wanted to be better and stronger, but on the other hand, I was so tired of trying to deal with life. I remember coming home from work to another bill and I just sat down and cried. I wanted to talk to somebody, but what was that going to solve? It wasn't like I could find someone to pay my bills for me, and even if I could, I would only feel worse because it's my responsibility. I felt broken, again, and I've always hated that feeling.

I wish I could say that God is the first person I turn to when things get hard. I wish I could step back and tell you that I always pray when I need to feel peace. But I don't. It's almost like I've forgotten how to. About a year ago, I quickly started falling away from the church, and it was the biggest mistake of my life. Right now I'll admit to what I've been trying to deny.. I need help. I can honestly say that my life started going downhill because I stopped going to church. I stopped praying and reading my scriptures. I stopped caring.

I'm getting back on my feet again; although, it will take some time. Someone amazing recently came into my life and he told me that it's okay to be young and stupid. I mean, everybody goes through that stage, right? You grow and learn from it. Just by hearing that simple phrase, I realized that I'm gonna be okay. I can start going to church every week again, and I don't have to feel guilty. Not everybody knows what I've been through, but God knows. Now I have a great guy and example to go to church with every week. People keep saying things like, "don't do these things just for this guy" or "you can't just go to church for him." But do you want to know my thoughts? I'm not going back to church 'for him'. I'm going back to church BECAUSE of him. There's a difference. I'm going to church FOR me, and that makes me happy.

But this post isn't me telling you to start going to church if your life sucks. It's about the reasons behind life. I want you to notice the little things in life that make it worth living. So back to that really hard day of mine. I was laying in my bed that night getting ready to sleep, after finally calming down. A facebook notification popped up on my phone and it was a comment from my grandma. The comment was on a picture of me holding my baby nephew, Freddy. It was simple. All it said was, "This. This is why we're here."

I broke down. This time it wasn't because I was sad. I broke down, because I realized that I would be missing out on so much if I wasn't here. I wouldn't have met these cute, little nephews of mine. They would grow up hearing about me, but never know me. I would never have the opportunity to get married. I would never be able to have my own children. Those are things to look forward to in life. I've been growing up waiting for the day that I will fall in love. For as long as I can remember, I've been looking forward to the day where I can hold my first baby in my arms. And these small things are what we live for.

Don't forget that.

Love, Miss KatieBug <3

Progressive Muscle Relaxation

     In my last post, I talked about a meditation technique that my counselor taught me. It's a very good relaxation method for those who have anxiety. When I start having an anxiety attack there are a few things that I do. One of them is breathing in essential oils. I use Serenity from doTERRA http://www.doterra.com/. It is a more expensive brand, so you could also use Lavender instead. It should work just as well. I started doing the meditating a couple of weeks ago and I've really seen a difference. I also do this while I'm laying in bed about five minutes before I go to sleep. It usually knocks me out really fast and I stay asleep all night. I've always had a hard time falling asleep, and I love doing this. It would be beneficial if someone read it to you during the first time. 

"Progressive muscle relaxation is an exercise that reduces stress and anxiety in your body by having you slowly tense and then relax each muscle. This exercise can provide an immediate feeling of relaxation, but it's best to practice frequently. With experience, you will become more aware of when you are experiencing tension and you will have the skills to help you relax. During this exercise each muscle should be tensed, but not to the point of strain. If you have any injuries or pain, you can skip the affected areas. Pay special attention to the feeling of releasing tension in each muscle and the resulting feeling of relaxation.

Sit back or lie down in a comfortable position. Shut your eyes if you're comfortable doing so.

Begin by taking a deep breath and noticing the feeling of air filling your lungs. Hold your breath for a few seconds. (Brief Pause)

Release the breath slowly and let the tension leave your body.

Take in another deep breath and hold it. (Brief Pause)

Again, slowly release the air.

Even slower now, take another breath. Fill your lungs and hold the air. (Brief Pause)

Slowly release the breath and imagine the feeling of tension leaving your body.

Now, move your attention to your feet. Begin to tense your feet by curling your toes and the arch of your foot. Hold onto the tension and notice what it feels like. (5 Second Pause)

Release the tension in your feet. Notice the new feeling of relaxation.

Next, begin to focus on your lower leg. Tense the muscles in your calves. Hold them tightly and pay attention to the feeling of tension. (5 Second Pause)

Release the tension from your lower legs. Again, notice the feeling of relaxation. Remember to continue taking deep breaths.

Next, tense the muscles of your upper leg and pelvis. You can do this by tightly squeezing your thighs together. Make sure you feel tenseness without going to the point of strain. (5 Second Pause)

And release. Feel the tension leave your muscles.

Begin to tense your stomach and chest. You can do this by sucking your stomach in. Squeeze harder and hold the tension. (5 Second Pause)

Release the tension. Allow your body to go limp. Let yourself notice the feeling of relaxation. 

Continue taking deep breaths. Breathe in slowly, noticing the air fill your lungs, and hold it. (Brief Pause)

Release the air slowly. Feel it leaving your lungs.

Next, tense the muscles in your back by bringing your shoulders together behind you. Hold them tightly. Tense them as hard as you can without straining and keep holding. (5 Second Pause)

Release the tension from your back. Feel the tension slowly leaving your body, and the new feeling of relaxation. Notice how different your body feels when you allow it to relax.

Tense your arms all the way from your hands to your shoulders. Make a fist and squeeze all the way up your arm. Hold it. (5 Second Pause)

Release the tension from your arms and shoulders. Notice the feeling of relaxation in your fingers, hands, arms, and shoulders. Notice how your arms feel limp and at ease. 

Move up to your neck and your head. Tense your face and your neck by distorting the muscles around your eyes and mouth. (5 Second Pause)

Release the tension. Again, notice the new feeling of relaxation.

Finally, tense your entire body. Tense your feet, legs, stomach, chest, arms, head, and neck. Tense harder, without straining. Hold the tension. (5 Second Pause)

Now release. Allow your whole body to go limp. Pay attention to the feeling of relaxation, and how different it is from the feeling of tension.

Begin to wake your body up by slowly moving your muscles. Adjust your arms and legs.

Stretch your muscles and open your eyes when you're ready."

Hope this works for you! Keep me updated, and let me know.

Love, Miss KatieBug <3

Depression, Part 3: Recovery

"Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed.

It means the damage no longer controls you."

-Unknown

Journal entry: August 14, 2014

"I want to be happy. I want to feel peace. I want to be loved. I want to see a future. I want to be ME, which is not the girl sitting here writing this. The me that I used to be was positive and optimistic. She didn't let people tear her down. She saw a future for herself. That girl is gone. It's time to get her back."

               -Katelyn Marie, 19 years old

     Sometimes we have to face extremely hard trials in this life. Mine is depression, and a more recent struggle, anxiety. I will always have these two struggles in my life, but it's time to recover. I'm more than ready to kick depression in the butt. I'm done letting it control me. I finally realized that I can't overcome this by myself. To get out of BHC, it was a requirement to have a counseling appointment set up. I've now been going every couple weeks since then. My counselor taught me a meditation technique to help me calm down, and also sleep better. It really does work, and knocks me out fast! If anybody wants to know what it is, let me know. Message me through any social media, or comment. I can put it up as my next post if you'd like.

     You're probably wondering how I can just say I'm going to recover..but I have a plan. There is actually a lot you can do to stay positive and keep your mind off of things. When you're as depressed as I was, I realize that you don't feel like doing anything to make yourself happy. You just want to lay there and cry, or sleep. Am I right? Maybe you want to listen to depressing music, or cut, because you'd do anything to get rid of your pain. Believe me, I know what it feels like. So listen to me right now. DON'T FOCUS ON THE BAD! I know it's easy to do, and honestly, I know that you don't even want to try being happy when you are so sad. But you have to. You can't heal if you don't move on from all of the negative things attacking you. I'll write a list of things that I'm going to do to build myself up again, so join in. Do them with me!

• Wake up at a decent time. I'm thinking around 8.
• Get at least 30 minutes of exercise in your day.
• Eat healthy and drink lots of water.
• Make a bucket list. Seriously. It gives you small goals to accomplish.
• Listen to upbeat music.
• Find a support group (if needed).
• Go to a therapist/counselor.
• Plan ahead, future wise. Do something with your life.
• Get out of the house as much as possible.
• Write lists!
• What are you thankful for?
• What makes you happy?
• What qualities make you, you?

     I promise these things will make a difference in your life. Please do them! Thank you so much for reading my blog. I'll continue to post. Today is Suicide Awareness Day. Talk to someone. Don't give up the fight, because you are worth so much more. 

Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1 (800)-273-Talk (8255)

Love, Miss KatieBug <3

Depression, Part 2: BHC

"The one who falls and gets up is so much stronger

than the one who never fell."

-Unknown

Journal entry: July 20, 2014

"We can't have anything here. I walked in the doors and they took everything I had. They made me put on blue scrubs, which I'm still wearing. They took my bra, ponytails, bobby pins, earrings, and rings. But it's not as awful as it sounds. When I step back and think about it all, it's really nice not worrying about what I look like. I don't have my phone, or my clothes, or my makeup. I haven't even been concerned about the outside world, it's just about me getting better."

     In case some of you aren't sure, BHC stands for Behavioral Health Center. I really never thought I would be in there, but I definitely needed it. Not only did I take 75 pills on the night of July 17th, but I also cut myself with the words "I give up". I was just trying to show people that my depression is so much worse than it looks, but now I'll have a scar on my wrist forever. It's really light, and when I look at it, I'm just reminded of the whole experience. Everybody has to break before they can shine, right?

     I spent five days in the center. They put me on Zoloft to control the depression, and I was taking Minipress at night to help me sleep. Even with the sleep aid I didn't sleep much. I was on a small, uncomfortable bed and there was someone checking on me every 15 minutes through the night to make sure I was doing okay. Our days consisted of several different support groups and therapy sessions. We also had gym time, courtyard breaks, and movie nights. It wasn't a bad place to be, although; I could complain about the food a little bit.. 

     If anybody is struggling from depression, I highly recommend admitting yourself into BHC. I hate to say it, but I was happier there than I had been in a long time. I didn't only make friends, but I had a family. Every individual there knew almost exactly what I was going through. It was amazing listening to their stories and realizing that I wasn't alone. Several of them were in there because they overdosed too, but most of them had attempted more than once. I was one of the few that was in there for the first time. As completely broken as all of us were, we came together, and we had this bond that nobody could break. Sometimes we laughed together, and other times we cried together. 

     So for everybody who is reading this, I want you to know that you're never alone with what you're going through. There are always people who have it better than you, but you have to remember that there are also people who have it worse. I know it's hard to feel grateful for your life when you don't see anything to be happy about. One thing I've come to learn is that there is always, at least, one thing to be grateful for or happy about. Sometimes you just have to look at the little things. I'm grateful for books, not only because they can be an escape, but because they show me that there is so much magic to be seen in the world. So, find your happiness. Find that ONE thing that you are grateful for, and you'll start to see a difference. 

Love, Miss KatieBug <3

Depression, Part 1: The Downfall

"So this is my life. I want you to know that I am both happy and sad, 

and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."

-Perks of Being a Wallflower

Journal entry: July 22, 2014

"Well, I never thought I would hit such a low point in my life, but here I am. I'm angry. I'm upset. I'm hurt. I've just had entirely too much crap build up in my life. And now I'm sitting here in a behavioral health center. Why? Because I'm crazy. I wasn't trying to commit suicide. At least, that's what I've been telling myself. But who really knows, right? All I know is that I honestly didn't care what happened at that point."

           -Katelyn Marie, 19 years old.

     For those of you who don't know me, I've been suffering from depression since I was about 8 years old. I felt like I was always in and out of counseling. Sometimes it helped. Sometimes it didn't. I wanted to be happy, believe me, I wanted it more than anything. I was a very bitter little girl, and it took a lot for me to show interest in things. Little mishaps kept happening in my life and I thought it was the end of the world. The small things were affecting me more than I ever thought was possible. In October 2013, I decided it was time for me to get put on medication. I was worse than ever. Prozac was the beginning, and I honestly felt like it didn't help at all. I was constantly tired, so I took myself off of it. I was getting better, or so I thought. 

     July hit. And it hit hard, as a matter of fact. I was sleeping my life away. I didn't want to talk, or eat, or go out. I was completely shutting down. It got to the point of me distancing myself from even my family and my closest friends. I felt like there was nothing left to be happy about in my life. Too many things were causing an internal break down that I just couldn't handle. That's what is sad about depression. It's a monster. It eats you alive until you are completely numb. So, are you ready to hear about July 17th? I thought it was going to be a normal day, but things were affecting me differently. Somebody said something that really hurt me, and my last message to him said "You may have been able to save me from suicide once, but that doesn't mean you can do it again. Bye." I then shut off my phone for the remainder of the day.

     I had a nail appointment at 5. When it was over, I went straight home to sleep.When I woke up, I told myself that life wasn't worth living anymore. Nobody cared about me. I wanted to sleep forever, because I didn't have a future going for me. I was a loser and a failure. Nobody understood how completely and utterly broken I was. So I did it. I attempted suicide. I swallowed down 75 sleeping pills. I texted my friend as soon as it happened, not because I wanted him to save me, but because I wanted him to be right there by me in the ER. And I did go there, but did he care enough to show up? No. So again, all of the worthless feelings came flooding back. Nobody cared. I sat in the ER with an IV in my arm, with doctors questioning me about everything, and I was drinking charcoal.. And even then, I didn't regret what I had just done. I still wanted to go home and do it all over again.

To be continued...

Love, Miss KatieBug <3

Growing Up.



Last weekend I watched three of my little sisters go to prom, and I realized something. Everybody grows up entirely too fast. It's crazy to me that I've been graduated for almost a year and my little sister, Morgan, graduates in two weeks. We have so much life ahead of us! We've only just begun. 

When you are in high school, it feels like forever. You just can't wait to get out and grow up. Then one day, it's happening. You're grown up and out on your own. You have so many decisions to make, by yourself. Life definitely isn't as easy as you thought it would be. Who knew you'd have so many responsibilities, right? There just comes a day when everybody has to grow up, and that's okay. It's how life works. So hold on to the younger years. Life happens in the blink of an eye. Never ever let your past drag you down. Live with no regrets, because that is one of the ways you will find so much happiness in life.

My advice for today:

• Slow down, and enjoy life.
• Cherish everything that comes your way.
• Live in the moment.

Love, Miss KatieBug <3




Everything is okay.

It's so easy to fake a smile, everybody has to fake one at some point in their life. Why fake a smile when there is always, at least, one thing to smile about? I'll be the first to admit that sometimes life just sucks. Right now I don't have a job. I don't have money. I feel like I'm going nowhere. As hard as it is for me, I haven't lost hope for my future. Hope is one thing I will always have and hold onto. Do you know what else I have? I have family and friends who are always around me. I wouldn't be able to cope without them. Sometimes I feel so lonely. I get lost in those negative thoughts that come to my mind late at night when I should be sleeping. The thing is, I can't sleep anymore. It's impossible. I need to remember to breathe and take a step back. Why? Because everything is okay. Or it will be. It's time to drop the fake smile and put the brightest REAL smile on my face. We didn't come to this Earth to spend our time being miserable and sad. Live life. Be happy. No regrets.
My advice for today:

• Always hold onto hope.
• Everything is okay.
• Remember that life is beautiful.

Love, Miss KatieBug <3