Depression, Part 2: BHC

"The one who falls and gets up is so much stronger

than the one who never fell."

-Unknown

Journal entry: July 20, 2014

"We can't have anything here. I walked in the doors and they took everything I had. They made me put on blue scrubs, which I'm still wearing. They took my bra, ponytails, bobby pins, earrings, and rings. But it's not as awful as it sounds. When I step back and think about it all, it's really nice not worrying about what I look like. I don't have my phone, or my clothes, or my makeup. I haven't even been concerned about the outside world, it's just about me getting better."

     In case some of you aren't sure, BHC stands for Behavioral Health Center. I really never thought I would be in there, but I definitely needed it. Not only did I take 75 pills on the night of July 17th, but I also cut myself with the words "I give up". I was just trying to show people that my depression is so much worse than it looks, but now I'll have a scar on my wrist forever. It's really light, and when I look at it, I'm just reminded of the whole experience. Everybody has to break before they can shine, right?

     I spent five days in the center. They put me on Zoloft to control the depression, and I was taking Minipress at night to help me sleep. Even with the sleep aid I didn't sleep much. I was on a small, uncomfortable bed and there was someone checking on me every 15 minutes through the night to make sure I was doing okay. Our days consisted of several different support groups and therapy sessions. We also had gym time, courtyard breaks, and movie nights. It wasn't a bad place to be, although; I could complain about the food a little bit.. 

     If anybody is struggling from depression, I highly recommend admitting yourself into BHC. I hate to say it, but I was happier there than I had been in a long time. I didn't only make friends, but I had a family. Every individual there knew almost exactly what I was going through. It was amazing listening to their stories and realizing that I wasn't alone. Several of them were in there because they overdosed too, but most of them had attempted more than once. I was one of the few that was in there for the first time. As completely broken as all of us were, we came together, and we had this bond that nobody could break. Sometimes we laughed together, and other times we cried together. 

     So for everybody who is reading this, I want you to know that you're never alone with what you're going through. There are always people who have it better than you, but you have to remember that there are also people who have it worse. I know it's hard to feel grateful for your life when you don't see anything to be happy about. One thing I've come to learn is that there is always, at least, one thing to be grateful for or happy about. Sometimes you just have to look at the little things. I'm grateful for books, not only because they can be an escape, but because they show me that there is so much magic to be seen in the world. So, find your happiness. Find that ONE thing that you are grateful for, and you'll start to see a difference. 

Love, Miss KatieBug <3