Like a Storm

"Depression is like a storm. It starts slow,
Eating away at you slowly, then it becomes stronger,
And causes more damage. Then it stops,
And you think you're fine, that it's getting better.
Like it's safe to go outside now, and enjoy the finer things in life
Kind of like the eye of the storm. Then out of nowhere,
It hits you again, knocking you down,
Harder than before, until you're no more.
It swallows you, clogs your vision.
So then you can't see how close to ending it is.
And some don't make it, thinking that the only way
To stop the storm, is to stop themselves."

-Unknown

*trigger warning: suicidal thoughts

Journal Entry: August 14, 2018
I failed myself. I failed {all of you}, and I'm sorry. At least, that's how I feel right now. I thought I was better. I thought my depression was gone forever. But it's back, and it's worse. And I'm scared. I hate being alive most days again, but not exactly in a suicidal type of way. I don't want to hurt myself, but maybe a coma or something would suffice. I'm not opposed to getting hit by a car or something though. That's how I know I'm not safe.

I have been trying to write this blog post since that day back in August. I can only seem to get out a little at a time, because this hurts. This struggle is painful and I'm afraid of judgment. But today (Nov. 4), I will finish, so here it goes:

I've always been told that depression comes in waves, but I had never experienced it that way. Mine was terrible for years and years. I learned how to cope with the daily struggles and just accepted that I would live like that forever. Sleep my days away. Then one day, about a  year and a half ago, my depression disappeared. It was completely gone and life felt perfect. I was genuinely happy for the first time in my life, and that feeling lasted through the seasons. Not even winter depression showed up. I thought I was "cured". But sadly, the storm found it's way back to me.

The very first sign of my depression coming back (which started about mid-July) was anger. I'm not typically an angry person, but I was livid all the time at everybody. I was so confused and I honestly could not understand what was wrong with me. I was hurting myself and I was hurting those around me. I lost all of my patience. Every situation became too stressful and I couldn't cope. Because of this severe anger, I had to quit one of my jobs in fear that I would lash out and cause physical harm to somebody. I'm afraid of myself.

At the beginning of August, I went to my doctor and requested to be put back on antidepressants. If you've kept up with my blog, you know that I was medication free for over a year. It was hard to accept the medication again, and I was humiliated. I cried, a lot. But I need them for now. I've been taking them for 90 days, and they haven't helped entirely. I know I may be going through the trial and error process for a while. This post is different from my others, it's not about hope-it's about awareness. This disease is real and it is painful.

I also fought up the courage to start counseling, which I've been doing every week for about 2 months. I just recently started opening up to my counselor and we've had a couple of breakthroughs so far. I have come to realize certain things about my past and how they've affected me today, but I haven't gotten to a point where I know how to fix things. I am a work in progress right now, but I'm doing everything I can to seek help. And for those who are struggling with any type of mental illness, I highly suggest finding a trusted counselor to talk to. Talk things out weekly. Write things down daily.

The good days are alright. The bad days are extremely hard, and seem to happen too often. I cry and I beg the pain to end.
"Why do I have to live like this?"
"I don't want to be here anymore."
"I don't deserve to be happy."

I think about these three things at least once a week, sometimes more. But I do deserve to be happy, and I want to be alive. These thoughts creep their way in and my mind can't seem to let them go on the bad days. Why do I have to live like this? I don't know. Why does anyone have to live like this? It doesn't seem fair. We are at war with our minds daily.. but maybe, just maybe.. God needs warriors like us for something bigger. I'm trying to believe in myself. I'm trying to understand what I need to learn from this experience. I am here for a reason, and so are you. I am here to fight, so fight along with me. We can beat this. We can win. WE ARE WARRIORS.

Love, Miss KatieBug <3

Learning to Love

"The most exciting, challenging, and significant
relationship of all is the one you have with yourself.
And if you can find someone to love the you
that you love, well, that's just fabulous."
-Carrie Bradshaw

I tried really hard to have this post out for Valentine's Day, but I'm going to be honest with you.. I know I make it seem like my life is always good these days. Let me tell you something though, I still struggle. The whole month of February was a struggle. I didn't want to go out. I didn't want to work or see people. I just wanted to relax and sleep. I don't even remember the last time I had a depressive episode like that. I beat myself up sometimes because I feel like a failure. A failure for all of the times I've loved and lost. For all of the times people have left and I've blamed myself. The month of February is for love, but how can I write about that when I don't know if I've ever really known love? 

Here's the thing, I may not know how it feels to be truly loved by someone else or to know how it feels to truly love another, but I do a damn good job at loving myself most days. So let me try writing this again.

In honor of Valentine's Day being, well, a month ago - let's talk about love. I don't mean the sappy, Nicholas Sparks movie kind of love (which is my favorite btw). I mean, the most important kind of love, self love. Most of us are so worried about finding love that we forget to show love to ourselves. Even when we're in relationships, we believe that only our partner's love is enough, but it isn't. We have to love us too! This topic is such an important one to me. Maybe because I remember a time when I didn't know how to love myself, and I never thought that I'd be able to. I used to believe that I'd find the love of my life someday and I would have everything I ever wanted and finally be happy. I didn't understand that it was possible for me to be happy on my own. And because of those toxic thoughts, I felt like I was dying a little inside every time I went through a break up. 

For the past year or so, I've really put my focus on loving myself. I've learned how to let go of people who aren't right for me. I've learned how to turn to God when things get hard, instead of wallowing in self pity. I've learned how to give myself a break when needed and teach myself healthy coping techniques. I've learned how to be in tune with my mind and body. I know what I need and when I need it. So I'm sitting here tonight and I can honestly tell you that I love everything about myself. Some days I may not like myself, but I always love me. I want you to love yourself too, even on the days that you don't like yourself very much. Here are a few steps that I took to improve myself, which in turn, taught me a lot about how to love myself. I hope you will try them, and I hope they will make a difference. 

• Positive Affirmations. Write them down, and say them out loud. You may not believe them at first, but you will start to the more you repeat them. Add details. Make your words mean something, and trust them.

"I am a radiant, confident, and inspirational Daughter of God-

that serves with joy, listens intently, and wholeheartedly loves

others and myself because I am worth it." 

• Remove, Block, Delete. Please do this! It's totally okay and super healthy to remove toxic people from your life, and/or delete them on social media. If they are filled with negative words, posts, and thoughts - bye bye!
• Ground Yourself. Do this daily. It helps you stay in a more calm and positive state of mind throughout the day. This one is hard to explain, so you might need to go look it up..
• Believe in Something. Believing in something makes it easier to believe in yourself. Find your thing. Whatever gives you a little extra strength. I, personally, pray to God for peace because He believes in me the same way I believe in Him.
• Find Hope. It's hard to live this life if you aren't hopeful. To me, hope is in every sunrise that starts a brand new day, and in every sunset that ends my tough days.
• Give Yourself a Break. If you can't handle life at the moment, take a day off of work/school. Remove yourself from a rough situation. Practice self care.
• Self Care. So important! *My personal favs and go-to's
• Read a self-help book.
• Free write in a journal*
• Do some yoga.
• Talk to a friend or a therapist.
• Buy flowers for yourself.
• Take yourself on a date*
• Bake cookies.
• Take a bubble bath*
• Plan a vacation.
• Shut off your phone.
• Solo dance party!*
• Watch your favorite movie.
• Declutter.
• Stargaze*
• Go get a massage.
• Dress up and go out*
• Practice deep breathing.
• Give yourself a pep talk in the mirror.
• Forgive. Forgive everyone who has wronged you, even if they aren't sorry. Forgive those who have hurt your family and your friends. Forgive yourself for the hell you've put others through, even if you meant whatever you did at the time. Forgive yourself for the hell you've put your own mind and body through. Just forgive.
• Choose Yourself. Just like one of my previous posts. Sometimes it's perfectly fine and needed to put yourself before others. Be selfish, when your mind and body call for it. Choose yourself. Love yourself. 

Loving yourself won't happen overnight. It may take months or years. It may take the help of others so you can see your own worth. It may take a lot of things. But when you learn to love yourself, everything else just kind of falls into place the way it's supposed to. Life becomes a little bit brighter and easier. I hope you find that love in every single part of you.

Love, Miss KatieBug <3

A Harsh Reality

Journal Entry: January 13, 2018

"I'm sick and tired of guys telling me that I deserve better than them, but they're never willing to treat me better. Why aren't I worth the effort? They say I'm such a good person, but they are never good to me. They leave me feeling like I'm not good enough. But I know I'm good enough and it's not fair for them to make me think otherwise. I deserve so much better than half-ass 'relationships' that never turn into anything. Women should not feel like less of a person because of the way guys treat us, but it's something we seem to deal with everyday"

-Katelyn Marie, age 23

*Trigger warning: rape
     If any of you women, and even men, haven't yet watched Halsey's speech from the Women's March, I highly suggest watching it. She explains the truths behind what all women go through. Rape, harassment, unplanned pregnancy, miscarriage. We need men to know. We need to raise awareness, and stop the inappropriate behavior. We need more women to speak up and prove that we are not treated right. Men assume that they are superior and that women will do whatever they ask of us.. this has to stop. They do NOT and should not have power over us. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKddxONWn78

     Because of Halsey, I have decided to put more of my story on here. Some parts are painful. Some parts have been left unspoken until this moment. Part of me is scared to write this, but I've always believed in putting my story out in the world. Telling our stories help others heal, learn, and understand. I am raising awareness.
      I never went on dates in high school. My first kiss was right before I turned 18 years old. My best friend was raped in junior high. My sisters had been heartbroken before. I didn't want to be a part of that, so I steered clear. And honestly, I wouldn't have been able to cope with heart break at that age. My depression was already too much for me to handle. So as a young girl, I was never personally around any kind of sexual harassment. It wasn't as common to read about it back then either. I'm not sure I really believed it existed. I lived in my own little world and I didn't want to know what bad things were happening around me.
     After I graduated, I started to notice the change. Maybe it had to do with being out in the real world.. I'm not sure. All of the sudden, guys were asking for dirty pictures, and would send them without warning. I was 19 the first time a guy, who wasn't my boyfriend, smacked my butt. I was 19 the first time I got "felt up" without giving permission. I was 19 when I remember starting to get cat called. I was 19 when I got raped. Rape: 'unlawful sexual activity and usually sexual intercourse carried out forcibly or under threat of injury against the will of another person'. Rape.. I hate that word. 1 in 6 women are the victim of an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime. How gut wrenching and disgusting is that statistic. Most women stay silent. Most women have both physical and emotional scars that nobody notices. I will not be silent. I have emotional scars that I can't always hide. Because of him, I have break downs and flash backs when I'm in relationships now. Sometimes, I still hurt.
     A week after my rape, I was home alone and I let a guy come over to watch movies. I didn't know him very well, but my friend and I had hung out with him before. We started kissing and he took my pants off. I was still trying to cope with what happened the week prior. I was too afraid to say no a second time, so I didn't. I just laid there. I let him do what he wanted and then he went home. Before he left, he asked me if I was on birth control then got angry at my answer. I wasn't using any kind of protection, because I wasn't sexually active. I had just been raped.. again. Twice in one week. But I wouldn't let myself believe it. I told myself it was all my fault because I didn't try fighting them. I just laid there. I had never even been touched before they came along. I didn't want to be.
     Both unprotected. I took about 6 pregnancy tests within those next couple weeks. Everything in me was telling me that I was pregnant. I was sick. I was tired. I was terrified. I planned out exactly how I would save up my money for the next 9 months. Each test came back negative, but I never believed them. Then my period didn't come, and when it did, it could have easily been a miscarriage. Or maybe it was just different because of the trauma. I'll never know.
     A year and a half after that incident happened, I found myself married to a man who I thought could protect me. I thought I was safe with him. He never physically hurt me, but he put my feelings aside and mentally abused me until I couldn't take anymore. He didn't want love.. He wanted a woman to take care of his every need. I was working 60+ hour work weeks to pay the bills. He expected me to cook dinner at 10pm every night when I got home. I had to do all of his laundry. I had to make the bed and clean the apartment. I had to do the grocery shopping. I had to do everything a wife is "supposed" to do, and I just didn't have the time. So, to him, I was never good enough. I was never enough to make him happy.
     I went on vacation without him that winter. I noticed that I was the happiest I had been that whole year. I also noticed how, when people asked about my marriage, I had more negative than positive things to say. It broke my heart. I failed, because I knew divorce was my only option at that point. But I knew I deserved better. I got home on New Years Eve and I was ready to discuss my plan with him. He said to me, "because you think you're leaving me, and because it's a holiday, you owe me". He was talking about sex, of course. I didn't feel like I had a choice. So I did what he asked of me. Why? Because I was his wife, and I really believed that I owed it to him. I moved out three weeks later. After that, he would text me and blame his drinking and inappropriate behavior on me.
     Are good men really so hard to find these days? I have dated 4 guys since my divorce. I don't mean like one single date. I mean, they were guys I was seeing almost every day for months. Guys I was falling for and giving my heart to. Each of them proved that they liked me and each of them put in a lot of effort, but none of them wanted to be in a real relationship. Men know how to get what they want. They all made me feel special, and they all made me believe there would be a future with them. I have proved time and time again that I will do everything I can to make people happy. I give so much of my time and effort because I believe that people deserve it. But men know exactly how to use and abuse. Some men think they can walk all over women. They treat us like we're dirt. And do you know what? We let them. We let them hurt us and leave us heartbroken.
     We don't have to let them. I hope we, as women, understand what we really deserve. We deserve respect and love. We deserve so much more than half-ass relationships and such little effort. We are powerful and we are full of beauty and love. We should be able to say no, without fear. We should be confident and be able to walk away from the kind of men who just want us to fill the spaces in their lonely lives. We need to put a stop to the way we're being treated. Nobody else can stop it for us. We need to be bold, brave, and strong. We need to show ourselves respect. We are women. Let us prove that we are unstoppable.

Love, Miss KatieBug <3