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| "The cry we hear from deep in our hearts comes from the wounded child within. Healing this inner child's pain is the key to transforming anger, sadness and fear." -Thich Nhat Hanh |
It has been so hard to write lately because I don't feel like myself. I lost myself again, and I haven't quite found her yet. I can't find the little girl inside me that was so full of hope and promise. But all I can do is apologize to her. Tell her I'm sorry for not nurturing her the way I should have, because she deserved so much more. She still deserves so much more, so this post is for her. This is for the little girl with curly hair and big brown eyes, because that little girl knew her worth. And someday, she's going to recognize that worth again.
It's time to rehash old wounds.
I wouldn't say I had a rough childhood, but I've spent my whole life focusing on the trauma surrounding my parent's divorce. It's been 20 years, and everything about it still hurts. At 7 years old I felt abandoned, and I don't think I've ever recovered from that. That little 7 year old girl started to believe she wasn't worth loving and people were going to leave her. And that single belief has turned into an endless cycle. I've turned into someone who pushes everyone away. I don't let people get close to me because in my heart I truly believe that they're going to leave anyway. But they have, and they do.
So to my 7 year old self, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you took the blame for something that was out of your control. You are so worthy of love, and I promise somebody is going to stay someday.
My mama got remarried when I was 8, before I could even comprehend the full extent of the divorce. My life was uprooted and I was thrown into an unknown family. I spent my days in an unfamiliar house and I couldn't crawl into bed at night with my mom anymore. In my little mind, I no longer felt like a priority. I experienced betrayal trauma, which resulted in throwing tantrums to get attention. It was the only way I knew how to express the emotions. And this continued for years.
So to my 8 year old self, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you didn't feel like you could safely communicate your thoughts and feelings. You deserve to be seen and heard, and I promise your voice will be heard someday.
My daddy married my best friend's mom right before I turned 9. How cool to have a friend living in the same house as me, right? But I was only there four days out of the month, so my room didn't get to be my room anymore. I was moved into the smaller one, and it's so strange the way children are affected by change. There was so much of it in such a short amount of time that I just didn't feel safe. I lost my security because four new people lived in my house, and it didn't feel like my house anymore.
So to my 9 year old self, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you felt like your sense of security was ripped away from you. You have since become the safe place you always needed, and I promise you will have your very own home someday.
Fast forward 10 years.
I graduated from high school, but never had any idea what I wanted to do with my life. Little, naive 19 year old me was trying to figure out how the real world worked. I downloaded all the dating apps because I didn't know how else to meet people at that age. And I trusted everybody. I saw the best in people the same way I always had. So one day I drove down to Logan, Utah to meet a returned missionary boy from Utah State. He always said the sweetest things, and he really had his head on straight. But in the late hours of the night, I was trapped under his body begging him to get off. I haven't trusted anybody since.
I attempted suicide 2 weeks later.
So to my 19 year old self, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you were put in a position to see the darkness in this world, and I'm sorry you believed that killing yourself was your only escape. You are worthy of so much good, and I promise that you'll be able to trust again someday.
A couple years later, I settled for the first man who saw me for me and not my past. I hated myself so much that I thought someone else's love could save me. But I was back in the middle of another trauma cycle. At 21, I realized I deserved better. I wanted more than just something surface level and mediocre. So I packed my things and I left. My divorce was final two months later. There was never a single regret, even to this day; however, the divorce left me feeling unlovable. If my own husband couldn't love me the way I needed, how could anybody else? That feeling hasn't changed.
So to my 21 year old self, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you ever thought you needed to settle for half-ass love. You are more than enough, and you deserve to be loved. I promise you'll find a love that sets your soul on fire.
...
To everyone I've hurt because I blamed my trauma, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that I projected my pain onto you. You deserve better than that, and I promise I'll do better.
...
Dear me,
You're 27 years old. It's okay to let go of the past, you're safe now. I'm sorry I ever made you feel unworthy and unloved. I'm sorry I let you hold so tight to your trauma that you forgot who you were without it. You were never made to feel small and insignificant. You were made to move mountains. Nobody, including yourself, can make you feel inferior without your permission. Stop giving away your power. You know what you deserve, so chase after it. Believe in yourself a little harder. Life is going to work out the way it's supposed to and I know you know that. You're brave and strong, and you've been through so much. And you will continue to get through it because you're a fighter. You are loved beyond measure, even if it's not always by the people you hoped it would be. If they don't see your worth, that's their problem. They'll come around.. but if they don't, say goodbye. You were born worthy of every good thing in this world. That worth never goes away.
I love you, and I forgive you.
Love, me.
