"Owning our story and loving ourselves
through that process is the bravest
thing that we'll ever do."
-Brene Brown
trigger warning: rape
Okay, okay.. It has been sooo long since I've written a post. Many of you have reached out and held me accountable for it. Thank you. I promise I've been trying to write and I have like 7 drafts in my folder. I've felt kind of stuck. I want to say so many things, but I haven't been able to process and articulate the words correctly. All of my drafts (this is not one of them) will be posts at some point. As for what I'm about to talk about, I never wanted to. I hold a lot of shame and guilt for it. But like I've always said.. writing heals, and this post will get to the people who need it.
For a long time, I didn't believe that the rape affected me. And maybe for a long time it didn't. My brain took way longer to process it than most people. The trauma was never immediate for me. It took about 3-4 years to surface. I openly talked about my trauma process in my April 2019 post, and I'm still going through that. So with my fears aside, please let me tell you the most vulnerable pieces of my story that I don't quite understand.
It came up in casual conversation tonight, "so why do you just have sex with so many people?" And my heartbreaking response was, "because I'm too afraid to say no". Oof. I do not like saying that out loud. I don't want to admit that because it means I'm giving up my power. I'm so easily giving my power away to people who see me as an object. People who simply don't care, and don't even know that they're taking something away from me. But I could never put that blame on them. It's mine, and I acknowledge it.
I never wanted this kind of life for me. I never wanted to give a sacred piece of myself to so many people, so why have I done that? When we think of trauma we think of panic attacks. We think of sexual assault survivors who live in fear and anxiety. We think of war heroes who struggle with post-traumatic stress disorder. We think of lives lost to suicide because their thoughts overwhelmed them. We don't think about the guilt, the coping mechanisms, and the need for control. We don't think about the underlying issues.
In my traumatic experience six years ago, I didn't have any control over the situation. I felt helpless. Unlike the normal fight or flight, my emergency response is to freeze, so I did. And I do. But the key word here is "control". Unfortunately, some sexual assault survivors (including myself), use sex as a way to regain control of our bodies. "If I give it away, then they can't take it." It's an unhealthy thought process. But in victims minds we think that even if we say no, they'll do what they want anyway. I've said no, and men have been angry. I've said no, and men have begged. I've said no.. and I've been raped. So it's easier, and less scary, to just let it happen.
Maybe now that I understand this part of my trauma, I can change the cycle. Nobody has the right to take away my power. It's mine. I own it.
To all women, and men, remember that you have the power inside of you. You can say no, and you don't ever have to give an explanation. You don't owe anybody anything. Your body is your own, and you deserve to fight for that. You are worth so much more than you will ever know. Even through trauma, you've survived up to this point. It's okay to acknowledge the pain that got you here. Give yourself some credit, and actually -- you do owe somebody something.. yourself. You owe yourself love. You owe yourself forgiveness. You owe yourself compassion.
"What we don't need in the midst of struggle
is shame for being human." -Brene Brown
You never know the underlying issues in someone else's story. I beg of you to look at people with every ounce of love and compassion. Not shame, not judgment. Just love. We're all human, and we are just trying to survive. You deserve the love that you are so freely giving to everyone else. You are made of stardust and magic, and you deserve to be seen as such. If you need anything, please reach out. To a therapist, to a trusted family member, to me. I will always listen, but if you're not ready to share your story yet, that's okay too. I see you. I love you. I believe in you. You are strong, and you will get through this.
Love,
Miss KatieBug <3
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