Journal Entry: January 13, 2018
"I'm sick and tired of guys telling me that I deserve better than them, but they're never willing to treat me better. Why aren't I worth the effort? They say I'm such a good person, but they are never good to me. They leave me feeling like I'm not good enough. But I know I'm good enough and it's not fair for them to make me think otherwise. I deserve so much better than half-ass 'relationships' that never turn into anything. Women should not feel like less of a person because of the way guys treat us, but it's something we seem to deal with everyday"
-Katelyn Marie, age 23
*Trigger warning: rape
If any of you women, and even men, haven't yet watched Halsey's speech from the Women's March, I highly suggest watching it. She explains the truths behind what all women go through. Rape, harassment, unplanned pregnancy, miscarriage. We need men to know. We need to raise awareness, and stop the inappropriate behavior. We need more women to speak up and prove that we are not treated right. Men assume that they are superior and that women will do whatever they ask of us.. this has to stop. They do NOT and should not have power over us. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKddxONWn78
Because of Halsey, I have decided to put more of my story on here. Some parts are painful. Some parts have been left unspoken until this moment. Part of me is scared to write this, but I've always believed in putting my story out in the world. Telling our stories help others heal, learn, and understand. I am raising awareness.
I never went on dates in high school. My first kiss was right before I turned 18 years old. My best friend was raped in junior high. My sisters had been heartbroken before. I didn't want to be a part of that, so I steered clear. And honestly, I wouldn't have been able to cope with heart break at that age. My depression was already too much for me to handle. So as a young girl, I was never personally around any kind of sexual harassment. It wasn't as common to read about it back then either. I'm not sure I really believed it existed. I lived in my own little world and I didn't want to know what bad things were happening around me.
After I graduated, I started to notice the change. Maybe it had to do with being out in the real world.. I'm not sure. All of the sudden, guys were asking for dirty pictures, and would send them without warning. I was 19 the first time a guy, who wasn't my boyfriend, smacked my butt. I was 19 the first time I got "felt up" without giving permission. I was 19 when I remember starting to get cat called. I was 19 when I got raped. Rape: 'unlawful sexual activity and usually sexual intercourse carried out forcibly or under threat of injury against the will of another person'. Rape.. I hate that word. 1 in 6 women are the victim of an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime. How gut wrenching and disgusting is that statistic. Most women stay silent. Most women have both physical and emotional scars that nobody notices. I will not be silent. I have emotional scars that I can't always hide. Because of him, I have break downs and flash backs when I'm in relationships now. Sometimes, I still hurt.
A week after my rape, I was home alone and I let a guy come over to watch movies. I didn't know him very well, but my friend and I had hung out with him before. We started kissing and he took my pants off. I was still trying to cope with what happened the week prior. I was too afraid to say no a second time, so I didn't. I just laid there. I let him do what he wanted and then he went home. Before he left, he asked me if I was on birth control then got angry at my answer. I wasn't using any kind of protection, because I wasn't sexually active. I had just been raped.. again. Twice in one week. But I wouldn't let myself believe it. I told myself it was all my fault because I didn't try fighting them. I just laid there. I had never even been touched before they came along. I didn't want to be.
Both unprotected. I took about 6 pregnancy tests within those next couple weeks. Everything in me was telling me that I was pregnant. I was sick. I was tired. I was terrified. I planned out exactly how I would save up my money for the next 9 months. Each test came back negative, but I never believed them. Then my period didn't come, and when it did, it could have easily been a miscarriage. Or maybe it was just different because of the trauma. I'll never know.
A year and a half after that incident happened, I found myself married to a man who I thought could protect me. I thought I was safe with him. He never physically hurt me, but he put my feelings aside and mentally abused me until I couldn't take anymore. He didn't want love.. He wanted a woman to take care of his every need. I was working 60+ hour work weeks to pay the bills. He expected me to cook dinner at 10pm every night when I got home. I had to do all of his laundry. I had to make the bed and clean the apartment. I had to do the grocery shopping. I had to do everything a wife is "supposed" to do, and I just didn't have the time. So, to him, I was never good enough. I was never enough to make him happy.
I went on vacation without him that winter. I noticed that I was the happiest I had been that whole year. I also noticed how, when people asked about my marriage, I had more negative than positive things to say. It broke my heart. I failed, because I knew divorce was my only option at that point. But I knew I deserved better. I got home on New Years Eve and I was ready to discuss my plan with him. He said to me, "because you think you're leaving me, and because it's a holiday, you owe me". He was talking about sex, of course. I didn't feel like I had a choice. So I did what he asked of me. Why? Because I was his wife, and I really believed that I owed it to him. I moved out three weeks later. After that, he would text me and blame his drinking and inappropriate behavior on me.
Are good men really so hard to find these days? I have dated 4 guys since my divorce. I don't mean like one single date. I mean, they were guys I was seeing almost every day for months. Guys I was falling for and giving my heart to. Each of them proved that they liked me and each of them put in a lot of effort, but none of them wanted to be in a real relationship. Men know how to get what they want. They all made me feel special, and they all made me believe there would be a future with them. I have proved time and time again that I will do everything I can to make people happy. I give so much of my time and effort because I believe that people deserve it. But men know exactly how to use and abuse. Some men think they can walk all over women. They treat us like we're dirt. And do you know what? We let them. We let them hurt us and leave us heartbroken.
We don't have to let them. I hope we, as women, understand what we really deserve. We deserve respect and love. We deserve so much more than half-ass relationships and such little effort. We are powerful and we are full of beauty and love. We should be able to say no, without fear. We should be confident and be able to walk away from the kind of men who just want us to fill the spaces in their lonely lives. We need to put a stop to the way we're being treated. Nobody else can stop it for us. We need to be bold, brave, and strong. We need to show ourselves respect. We are women. Let us prove that we are unstoppable.
Love, Miss KatieBug <3
I never went on dates in high school. My first kiss was right before I turned 18 years old. My best friend was raped in junior high. My sisters had been heartbroken before. I didn't want to be a part of that, so I steered clear. And honestly, I wouldn't have been able to cope with heart break at that age. My depression was already too much for me to handle. So as a young girl, I was never personally around any kind of sexual harassment. It wasn't as common to read about it back then either. I'm not sure I really believed it existed. I lived in my own little world and I didn't want to know what bad things were happening around me.
After I graduated, I started to notice the change. Maybe it had to do with being out in the real world.. I'm not sure. All of the sudden, guys were asking for dirty pictures, and would send them without warning. I was 19 the first time a guy, who wasn't my boyfriend, smacked my butt. I was 19 the first time I got "felt up" without giving permission. I was 19 when I remember starting to get cat called. I was 19 when I got raped. Rape: 'unlawful sexual activity and usually sexual intercourse carried out forcibly or under threat of injury against the will of another person'. Rape.. I hate that word. 1 in 6 women are the victim of an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime. How gut wrenching and disgusting is that statistic. Most women stay silent. Most women have both physical and emotional scars that nobody notices. I will not be silent. I have emotional scars that I can't always hide. Because of him, I have break downs and flash backs when I'm in relationships now. Sometimes, I still hurt.
A week after my rape, I was home alone and I let a guy come over to watch movies. I didn't know him very well, but my friend and I had hung out with him before. We started kissing and he took my pants off. I was still trying to cope with what happened the week prior. I was too afraid to say no a second time, so I didn't. I just laid there. I let him do what he wanted and then he went home. Before he left, he asked me if I was on birth control then got angry at my answer. I wasn't using any kind of protection, because I wasn't sexually active. I had just been raped.. again. Twice in one week. But I wouldn't let myself believe it. I told myself it was all my fault because I didn't try fighting them. I just laid there. I had never even been touched before they came along. I didn't want to be.
Both unprotected. I took about 6 pregnancy tests within those next couple weeks. Everything in me was telling me that I was pregnant. I was sick. I was tired. I was terrified. I planned out exactly how I would save up my money for the next 9 months. Each test came back negative, but I never believed them. Then my period didn't come, and when it did, it could have easily been a miscarriage. Or maybe it was just different because of the trauma. I'll never know.
A year and a half after that incident happened, I found myself married to a man who I thought could protect me. I thought I was safe with him. He never physically hurt me, but he put my feelings aside and mentally abused me until I couldn't take anymore. He didn't want love.. He wanted a woman to take care of his every need. I was working 60+ hour work weeks to pay the bills. He expected me to cook dinner at 10pm every night when I got home. I had to do all of his laundry. I had to make the bed and clean the apartment. I had to do the grocery shopping. I had to do everything a wife is "supposed" to do, and I just didn't have the time. So, to him, I was never good enough. I was never enough to make him happy.
I went on vacation without him that winter. I noticed that I was the happiest I had been that whole year. I also noticed how, when people asked about my marriage, I had more negative than positive things to say. It broke my heart. I failed, because I knew divorce was my only option at that point. But I knew I deserved better. I got home on New Years Eve and I was ready to discuss my plan with him. He said to me, "because you think you're leaving me, and because it's a holiday, you owe me". He was talking about sex, of course. I didn't feel like I had a choice. So I did what he asked of me. Why? Because I was his wife, and I really believed that I owed it to him. I moved out three weeks later. After that, he would text me and blame his drinking and inappropriate behavior on me.
Are good men really so hard to find these days? I have dated 4 guys since my divorce. I don't mean like one single date. I mean, they were guys I was seeing almost every day for months. Guys I was falling for and giving my heart to. Each of them proved that they liked me and each of them put in a lot of effort, but none of them wanted to be in a real relationship. Men know how to get what they want. They all made me feel special, and they all made me believe there would be a future with them. I have proved time and time again that I will do everything I can to make people happy. I give so much of my time and effort because I believe that people deserve it. But men know exactly how to use and abuse. Some men think they can walk all over women. They treat us like we're dirt. And do you know what? We let them. We let them hurt us and leave us heartbroken.
We don't have to let them. I hope we, as women, understand what we really deserve. We deserve respect and love. We deserve so much more than half-ass relationships and such little effort. We are powerful and we are full of beauty and love. We should be able to say no, without fear. We should be confident and be able to walk away from the kind of men who just want us to fill the spaces in their lonely lives. We need to put a stop to the way we're being treated. Nobody else can stop it for us. We need to be bold, brave, and strong. We need to show ourselves respect. We are women. Let us prove that we are unstoppable.
Love, Miss KatieBug <3
