This is why.

 "Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in our hearts."
-Winnie the Pooh

     A few weeks back, I was having a particularly hard day. The hospital bills were getting extremely overwhelming and I wasn't quite sure how to handle it. Again, thoughts of suicide came flooding back. I can't explain what was running through my mind. I wanted to be better and stronger, but on the other hand, I was so tired of trying to deal with life. I remember coming home from work to another bill and I just sat down and cried. I wanted to talk to somebody, but what was that going to solve? It wasn't like I could find someone to pay my bills for me, and even if I could, I would only feel worse because it's my responsibility. I felt broken, again, and I've always hated that feeling.

I wish I could say that God is the first person I turn to when things get hard. I wish I could step back and tell you that I always pray when I need to feel peace. But I don't. It's almost like I've forgotten how to. About a year ago, I quickly started falling away from the church, and it was the biggest mistake of my life. Right now I'll admit to what I've been trying to deny.. I need help. I can honestly say that my life started going downhill because I stopped going to church. I stopped praying and reading my scriptures. I stopped caring.

I'm getting back on my feet again; although, it will take some time. Someone amazing recently came into my life and he told me that it's okay to be young and stupid. I mean, everybody goes through that stage, right? You grow and learn from it. Just by hearing that simple phrase, I realized that I'm gonna be okay. I can start going to church every week again, and I don't have to feel guilty. Not everybody knows what I've been through, but God knows. Now I have a great guy and example to go to church with every week. People keep saying things like, "don't do these things just for this guy" or "you can't just go to church for him." But do you want to know my thoughts? I'm not going back to church 'for him'. I'm going back to church BECAUSE of him. There's a difference. I'm going to church FOR me, and that makes me happy.

But this post isn't me telling you to start going to church if your life sucks. It's about the reasons behind life. I want you to notice the little things in life that make it worth living. So back to that really hard day of mine. I was laying in my bed that night getting ready to sleep, after finally calming down. A facebook notification popped up on my phone and it was a comment from my grandma. The comment was on a picture of me holding my baby nephew, Freddy. It was simple. All it said was, "This. This is why we're here."

I broke down. This time it wasn't because I was sad. I broke down, because I realized that I would be missing out on so much if I wasn't here. I wouldn't have met these cute, little nephews of mine. They would grow up hearing about me, but never know me. I would never have the opportunity to get married. I would never be able to have my own children. Those are things to look forward to in life. I've been growing up waiting for the day that I will fall in love. For as long as I can remember, I've been looking forward to the day where I can hold my first baby in my arms. And these small things are what we live for.

Don't forget that.

Love, Miss KatieBug <3